About men: The home shepherd

In a previous article I showed that Jacob, Abel, Moses, David and Abraham were all shepherds. They were not distinguished by their physical prowess or sweat capital. God despised those things that we so often associate with manhood: sweat, strength and initiative. He looked beyond those obvious externalities and sifted people to find men who could ably steward his kingdom.

God’s men all happened to have learnt about stewardship though shepherding. God used that to demonstrate the contrasts between them and the men he rejected in their favor. Thus Esau and Cain both leaned on their manly skills but failed to impress, whilst Jacob and Abel deferred to their pastoral skills to win the favor of God.

I have often heard men preach on “manliness” and have felt that in doing so they generally missed the point. Godly manhood certainly does not disdain strength (take Peter as an example). Rather it emphasizes pastoral values.

About wives: She is a life witness

Jesus called us to be His witnesses, just as an intimate life partner is a witness to our own lives.

Both men and women need a witness to their lives. Jesus had four primary witnesses, the writers of the gospels, but He also relied on the rest of the twelve disciples and His faithful retinue. So the idea of having witnesses to our lives is nothing strange.

A life witness inside a marriage keeps us honest and true to ourselves, but it also reminds us of the fact that our life story is being recorded and will ultimately be told: “No comment” is also a recorded statement, so there is no escaping the fact that ultimately our lives will relate to others, either as an example or as a warning. Our most important audience obviously will be the Great God Himself, who will hold court so that relevant witnesses can validate our testimonies.

About wives: She needs good communication

As a communicator, she needs to talk, share, hear, but she also wants to be heard and understood..

She feels a fight is being resolved if they are still talking, he feels it is over when they stop talking. She will raise her hand and ask for help, he will find a cave somewhere and try to work it all out. She will get directions when lost but he will ride around, past filling stations and other sources of help, until he finds the place. She will know where the turnoff is even when she is not looking, but he will ride on by.

Now don’t get me wrong: I am a guy and fiercely loyal to guy-dom. My sons and I love all that makes us men, because we really just know how to have good old dirty fun and can find it in all kinds of cool things: explosives, fire, fishing, hiking, pranks …

I will do another series to help women relate to their men, because it is such a great need, but for now let’s just stick to the issues of men relating to their wives.

A woman is a communication-holic. Most women cannot survive without a network of friends, family and telephones to keep them connected to life. The modern workplace needs to adapt to that reality and encourage networking if they want to get the best out of their women employees.

Women solve things by talking, men solve things through reflection and contemplation, which is why Rodin’s Thinker is portrayed as a man. Look at the photos of famous statesmen and invariably the best shots are of men standing alone in deep thought. It is not wrong and many great leaders have wrestled with immense decisions by walking the lonely road reserved for great leaders.

But a woman is rarely able to function without opening up the discussion and incorporating many views. I do not think that makes women superior in the workplace, but it does bring a vital balance to the workplace, because women are biased towards a more consultative leadership style that can be very useful in some, but not all situations.

About wives: See the whole me

With complex wiring and a broad brain stem, women offer us tinkers, a fascinating, lifelong pastime.

A wife also needs to be seen as a whole. She is not a sexual object, nor even a prize to be worn on the arms of proud men. She is a living, breathing wholeness that cries out for completion more than men are able to understand.

Men are quite binary. Feed them, sex them, amuse them and rest them and they are reasonably content.

A man can get by on a fairly business-like partnership with his wife, but that will never fulfill her. She is just too complex. A man can be switched on to his wife (or any other female) in moments and lose interest as quickly, not so for a woman. A man could be as detached from his wife in lovemaking as a client is in a transient moment with a prostitute. His need is somewhat organic, fairly superficial and easily satisfied.

About wives: Accept me

Another recurring cry of wives, is for acceptance. Its urgency sets off alarm bells in our culture.

I find this particular need to be so high on the list of priorities that it sets off alarm bells.

I know there was a time when I was judgmental and intolerant, partly because of upbringing and partly because of my theological background. But having had two very normal boys has helped me to become more realistic. The boys may have some advantages, but they are still quite normal in their responses to the world around them. Without exposing their souls, let me simply say that many of their own personal struggles could have become major issues, if it were not for a value that our family has adopted, namely: to minimize issues and accept them as they are.

If I were to major on every issue, I would oppress my children. I do have certain no-fly zones, such as respect for authority, particularly parents and teachers (non-negotiable), personal discipline (clean nails, proper grooming and tidy bedrooms) and a few other things. But there are a zillion other things that I take to be normal and allow, choosing rather to nudge and guide the boys or teach about the consequence of their actions.

About wives: Our men must live in authority

Another male role is to anchor roles and be a backbone of authority in healthy, balanced families.

The need for authority is a tough and thorny subject to work through.

Let me start by bringing some balance. I believe women all over the world have been oppressed for far too long, yet they have so ably proved themselves in the workplace and in the life of the church. Many ministers will tell you that the backbone of their congregations comprises women and many bosses will tell of the competence of women employees. They are also more resilient, able to multi-task and blessed with a very real intuition that is vital to effective decision-making in politically tainted contexts. Solomon also recognized these virtues in Proverbs 31:10-31.

I have spoken in a separate context about the social order of the African Lion and shown how the females do most of the real stuff that keeps the pride going. They obviously bear and raise the next generation, but they also hunt for food, hold the pride together, train the younger lions and so on. The males don’t do as much, but their focus is vital to the sustainability of the pride.

About wives: Men please be men

The third need of a wife is for her man to fulfil his role, whilst complementing hers.

In all armies, role differentiation is very clear. Infantry members do not cook, but they would be useless if the cooks did not cook. Likewise tank drivers are not medics, but they are grateful that medics command their specialization, for that has saved many lives. It’s no less useful if minesweepers decide that they might be good pilots, or if fighter pilots try to do bridge-building. A good army requires mustering. If each person does what they are trained for, the team works well and is effective in executing its overall responsibility.

About wives: I need love, affection, intimacy

Affection is one of greatest needs of wives, from their husbands: it defines the whole relationship.

Paul said in Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives”. In the same context he also said wives submit to your husbands. I know that is controversial and I really don’t need to go there right now, except to say this: there are reciprocal needs in a relationship. To make the fulfillment of one reasonable, other needs must also be addressed.

I think the world has become “win: win” in its thinking: it is selfish and only acts in response to what it gets. But Godly love is about trust, a trust that says I love fully without expectation of recompense.

When love is betrayed, count that as a violation of trust and deal with it appropriately. I don’t only refer to infidelity, but to any breech of trust between partners. I do not advocate a managed relationship, where each party jealously watches the other – that is not trust and it will also lead to frustration and a sense of being trapped. Trust is trust, the currency of love.

About wives: Series on their needs

What does a woman want? Mel Gibson had some ideas, but he cheated. Maybe it is time for another look.

It does seem that the needs of married men and women compete with each other within marriage. He seems to prefer physical things, she is more emotional. She is maternal, he paternal. He has a protective instinct; she is inclined to be more vulnerable. He is often more game for wild things; she tends to be more sensible. He tends to see things on the surface; she tends to see below the surface of people and issues.

Okay I guess there is enough generalization there to keep us busy awhile, but there are other idiosyncrasies that do seem to characterize a woman’s need quite well. These observations have held consistent for me across a wide spectrum. They have been true of high powered women and housewives. They are consistent across degrees of beauty, age, health and state of life.