What does a woman want? Mel Gibson had some ideas, but he cheated. Maybe it is time for another look.It does seem that the needs of married men and women compete with each other within marriage. He seems to prefer physical things, she is more emotional. She is maternal, he paternal. He has a protective instinct; she is inclined to be more vulnerable. He is often more game for wild things; she tends to be more sensible. He tends to see things on the surface; she tends to see below the surface of people and issues.
Okay I guess there is enough generalization there to keep us busy awhile, but there are other idiosyncrasies that do seem to characterize a woman’s need quite well. These observations have held consistent for me across a wide spectrum. They have been true of high powered women and housewives. They are consistent across degrees of beauty, age, health and state of life.
The first relates to her locus of identity. I have struggled for years to accept the point I will make here, but have had to accept it as valid. A man’s identity tends to come from his work and his peers, but a woman’s identity is largely rooted in her husband. Now that is going to sit very uncomfortably with single women, for whom I have sympathy. But even the bible makes allowances for the different needs of a single woman. So for now, can we limit this discourse to marriage.
I have tried to shift Paula’s centre of gravity closer to God, I guess because of some of the tough experiences we have been through and because it demands somewhat from a man to be her anchor. But the more I have ignored the need, the more I have frustrated my wife. She is very competent and could find adequate fulfillment in the feedback she gets from her employers, but there seems to be no substitute for my own support and appreciation. She can go far on my encouragement but falter without it, regardless of other considerations.
Of course I must concede that if I persisted in ignoring this need, she would adapt, for she is capable: but I would be the loser and she would remain unfulfilled.
I once worked with a very successful vice president of a large multi-national. She once asked me to give her a lift home from the airport, to which I inquired: “What about your husband?” In the car she opened up and said that whilst they were happily married, her success had made her quite self-reliant. In reply to this, I said: “Well then its no wonder he doesn’t come to fetch you from the airport”. She had adapted to the point where she lived in denial of her real need and this sent wrong signals to him about her vulnerability. As most guys are quite happy to opt out of their roles, these two both ended up missing each other.
The late great American comedian, Erma Bombeck, whilst being very successful in her own right, confessed to her need for the refuge, solace and encouragement of her husband. She had a powerful, self-reliant role that never diminished her fundamental feminism or the needs that go with that.
God made the genders to be interdependent and to help define respective roles. I was in a border war, where we lived exclusively amongst men. Even the flowers stood in perfect little rows and were uprooted if they failed to stand with military rigidity. It was a spartan, soulless environment until it was totally transformed by the presence of one female. Without implying any sexual connotations, it would be fair to say that she humanized and softened the entire camp, bringing our soldierly roles into proper perspective. We had forgotten why we were there, until she came along and reminded us of the women and children whose futures depended on our present struggles.
Men help to provide the contrast by which women distinguish their own identities, but the approval, acceptance, love and encouragement of a personally significant man in a woman’s life, helps to cement her role and bring it to glowing fulfillment: within her career and in her home.
By implication a weak male role blurs a woman’s role, leading to dissonance and frustration. It also requires her to live outside of her comfort zone, fighting fights for which he is better equipped. One of the most notable role conflicts relates to child discipline, which men can address largely by their physical presence and commanding voices. I have rarely seen any woman do it as effectively: rather I have seen women try with great frustration to discipline children who respond by goading her into anger and vulnerability. I remember my own mother breaking a bicycle pump over my head in a moment of similar frustration. I knew I deserved it too, for I had discovered exactly how to get under her skin – I just exposed the flaws in her assumed role.
In my professional life, I found many women who were able to preserve their own femininity within a tough corporate life. They were also the one’s who always spoke of an anchor back home. The role of a wise, masculine and effective man in providing her with a role anchor, is vital to her sense of wellbeing and fulfillment.
The next important role relates to love and affection.
© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
Okay I guess there is enough generalization there to keep us busy awhile, but there are other idiosyncrasies that do seem to characterize a woman’s need quite well. These observations have held consistent for me across a wide spectrum. They have been true of high powered women and housewives. They are consistent across degrees of beauty, age, health and state of life.
The first relates to her locus of identity. I have struggled for years to accept the point I will make here, but have had to accept it as valid. A man’s identity tends to come from his work and his peers, but a woman’s identity is largely rooted in her husband. Now that is going to sit very uncomfortably with single women, for whom I have sympathy. But even the bible makes allowances for the different needs of a single woman. So for now, can we limit this discourse to marriage.
I have tried to shift Paula’s centre of gravity closer to God, I guess because of some of the tough experiences we have been through and because it demands somewhat from a man to be her anchor. But the more I have ignored the need, the more I have frustrated my wife. She is very competent and could find adequate fulfillment in the feedback she gets from her employers, but there seems to be no substitute for my own support and appreciation. She can go far on my encouragement but falter without it, regardless of other considerations.
Of course I must concede that if I persisted in ignoring this need, she would adapt, for she is capable: but I would be the loser and she would remain unfulfilled.
I once worked with a very successful vice president of a large multi-national. She once asked me to give her a lift home from the airport, to which I inquired: “What about your husband?” In the car she opened up and said that whilst they were happily married, her success had made her quite self-reliant. In reply to this, I said: “Well then its no wonder he doesn’t come to fetch you from the airport”. She had adapted to the point where she lived in denial of her real need and this sent wrong signals to him about her vulnerability. As most guys are quite happy to opt out of their roles, these two both ended up missing each other.
The late great American comedian, Erma Bombeck, whilst being very successful in her own right, confessed to her need for the refuge, solace and encouragement of her husband. She had a powerful, self-reliant role that never diminished her fundamental feminism or the needs that go with that.
God made the genders to be interdependent and to help define respective roles. I was in a border war, where we lived exclusively amongst men. Even the flowers stood in perfect little rows and were uprooted if they failed to stand with military rigidity. It was a spartan, soulless environment until it was totally transformed by the presence of one female. Without implying any sexual connotations, it would be fair to say that she humanized and softened the entire camp, bringing our soldierly roles into proper perspective. We had forgotten why we were there, until she came along and reminded us of the women and children whose futures depended on our present struggles.
Men help to provide the contrast by which women distinguish their own identities, but the approval, acceptance, love and encouragement of a personally significant man in a woman’s life, helps to cement her role and bring it to glowing fulfillment: within her career and in her home.
By implication a weak male role blurs a woman’s role, leading to dissonance and frustration. It also requires her to live outside of her comfort zone, fighting fights for which he is better equipped. One of the most notable role conflicts relates to child discipline, which men can address largely by their physical presence and commanding voices. I have rarely seen any woman do it as effectively: rather I have seen women try with great frustration to discipline children who respond by goading her into anger and vulnerability. I remember my own mother breaking a bicycle pump over my head in a moment of similar frustration. I knew I deserved it too, for I had discovered exactly how to get under her skin – I just exposed the flaws in her assumed role.
In my professional life, I found many women who were able to preserve their own femininity within a tough corporate life. They were also the one’s who always spoke of an anchor back home. The role of a wise, masculine and effective man in providing her with a role anchor, is vital to her sense of wellbeing and fulfillment.
The next important role relates to love and affection.
© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
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