Raising balanced children

Some children set their site password to "MickeyMinnieGoofieDonald”.

When asked why, they said that the site required them to enter at least “four characters”.

The password or access key to successful parenting also has four characters, namely Godparentteachercommunity. These four primary influences bring balance to a developing child. They are like tag-team wrestlers, for just as soon as we recover from the struggles in one corner, the parent or the teacher tags another of the team and a new struggle starts. In some respects community is where we get broad, street-wise sensibility. No teacher will ever tell you: “Don’t tease your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat”, or “never dare your little brother to paint Dad’s car” or “avoid food that moves on its own”. Sage wisdom like “wait till your mom is on the phone before asking her to sign your report”, is also learnt in the community.

Friends, siblings and fellows, teach us to grow up, stand together and work as a team. The teacher is so vital to child development, A child was asked a question by her teacher, to which she replied, “what do you think?” In response she defiantly said, “I don’t THINK, I KNOW”, to which the learner replied, “well I don’t think I know either”. With time we all learn that teachers are far too wise and experienced to stay ahead of them.

This brings me to parents. Well now that’s a group of people we all try to get around and it’s a struggle that rages through childhood, until we wake up one day (quite near to our fortieth birthday), and realize they were right after all. At three my youngest battled to get us to work with him. He had already dismissed my help, shouting, “Mom, why did you marry that man”, but needed to sort out his older brother. “Mommy, my brother hit me”, he cried one morning, only to be told, “no, we don’t tell on our brothers unless they are in danger”. Five minutes later the same little mudpile waddled back into the kitchen on stubby little legs declaring, “Mommy, my brother’s in danger”. “Why is he in danger?” asked Mom, “because he hit me”, came the reply. Such is the struggle of a parent, that they need to work through these kinds of issues and still keep a straight face.

Don’t think God has it any easier. If God could He would strongly advise the average boy not to try baptizing the family cat. Like the teacher, parent and the community, God is a source of vital wisdom that prepares us for life. But its in the nature of a child to apply such wisdom selectively, as when a child was told, “David, wait before you tuck in - Jesus would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake””, to which David said, ”Hey John, you can be Jesus”.Yet God does put the lonely in families, its all part of His great provision for our lives. A pastor prayed, “Lord may these children grow up in good Christian homes”, to which Sam commented, “but Mom and Dad, I would rather live with you guys”.

The reality is that teachers, parents and our communities are not perfect, but no one else in all the earth can do parenting as well as parents do it, and there is no better way to extend that parenting, than through the community of wise teachers, good friends and a healthy spiritual family. Above all, we thank God, who knows us by name and will still hold our hands in life when our parents, teachers and friends are gone.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

The bottom line

The most important thing for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

The most important ingredient for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

In the army I once got too familiar with a senior officer. He had been friendly earlier so it seemed reasonable to joke a bit with him. He quickly put me in my place, because I was embarrassing him in front of others and I was taking liberties.

There is an instinct within all of us to test the boundaries of relationships. It looks for weaknesses and tries to exploit them, partly out of a need to define oneself. The most persistent battlefield though is in the family, where parents need to maintain a certain tension in the home to keep it together.

During my time in the army we had some mean leaders. They would haul us out of bed at 2 am to evaluate the capacity of our bladders or chase us off into the hills to find a leaf and then send us back for the other leaf.

We have also all had bosses like that. They would be gruff and unreasonable and strict. I even had it at school, where we used to have caning-relays, going round the class to each collect as many cuts as possible – great icebreaker on a cold day.

No permanent harm was ever done, most of us benefited, morale was high and memories were lingering. We had such war stories to relate to each other and had such fun getting almost into trouble or just out of trouble.

Although many of the discipline methods I have faced have become irrelevant in our modern world, discipline did create healthy tensions. Sloppiness, disrespect and untidiness were far from our minds. We were aware of what had to be done to survive and get through each day. There was a clear line that we would not cross, because every time we tried, something went badly wrong.

These tensions could be described as backbone, the solid foundation on which everything else is built. It ensures readiness, commitment, awareness, attention to detail, loyalty … all wonderful virtues to take into life. People who grow up outside such environments actually battle to fit in and they work against themselves – in fact the rest of the team will often censure them.

My eldest son is playing rugby. The disciplines for messing around during practices, include press-ups and running around the field. In the years to come I believe this will help adjust my son to real life. I find that ex sportsmen generally make very good employees because they have learnt: discipline, team work, how to handle pain, etc.

So when I tested my sergeant I tampered with a vital part of what makes a good army work. I was trying to undermine the healthy tension between leaders and followers. Loss of respect for leaders can cost lives in the army and it breeds low morale, disinterest, in fighting, restlessness and insecurity.

When a parent allows a child to cross that last frontier into the forbidden territory of familiarity and disrespect, it can lead seriously damage their sense of self, confidence, relational maturity and their ability to negotiate life realistically. Appropriate discipline is needed to nip such behavior in the bud.

Initially discipline starts with building clear and certain (never oppressive) fences around a child - "do this, do that, etc". With time fences must grow in their hearts, in the form of character and wisdom, the ability to discern right from wrong and make sound decisions. At that stage we must gradually remove the external fences, until the internal fences define them.

James Dobson relates how he was firmly disciplined as a young boy. It helped him to grow up with a healthy awareness of the consequences of disrespect, whilst still feeling memorably loved.

I can relate to that: one day I drove my Mom to the point where her frustration welled up and she broke a bicycle pump over my head – in my surprise I suddenly found new expressions of respect, like: “Wow, way to go Mom”.

Boundaries must never be defined by the child. Parents must set boundaries and maintain them. “When they test the lines and challenge you to react, REACT - stop it immediately”, otherwise by definition the line has been moved – and it will continue to move until it gets out of control.

Children analyze their boundaries. We are just as analytical in defying authority: we understand the official speed limit, but want to know what is the unofficial limit at which the authorities will actually take action. Or we excuse daily transgressions, allowing our own lines to drift until something goes wrong.

As Rudoph Giuliani proved in his celebrated anti-crime strategy, only a zero tolerance approach will restore the boundaries and renew social integrity. Parents also need a zero tolerance approach - never abdicate the line of authority, for in doing so you abdicate parenthood.

In the TV sitcom “8 simple rules”, Cate (a single mother) takes courageous and effective steps to restrain her teenage daughters Bridget and Kerry and her son Rory. The kids try everything to undermine her, but she never backs down and has very clear boundaries (8 simple rules) – a good, albeit humorous example for all.

Every good home needs its own simple, non-negotiable rules. Cate’s rules relate to the dating of her daughters, we need them to save our families.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Balanced discipline

Children go through development phases and discipline must adapt to each stage.

THE FIRST STAGE (0 to 6) IS INSTRUCTIVE

They have no internalized value system, the parent does and the challenge is to instruct them. At that age they are soft and warm and really a small, sharp, reasonable smack will not hurt them and it is not cruel. I have seen children of that age, playing in icy cold conditions or cold water, because there is such a high proportion of body fat that they are well insulated against a lot of things, including cold, pain, falling and other childhood threats. However, they do have a will. In fact studies have shown that they can even learn basic sign language as early as eight months and their application of that will is binary. They resist to find their boundaries and we oblige by showing them where those boundaries are.

The results of early discipline (not subtle stuff that they don't understand such as reward based manipulation), helps to build their confidence and respect for authority, the vital foundation needed for later discipline. The reason parents often struggle with discipline in later stages is because they haven't established the vital link in the cycle of discipline, namely respect for authority.

When my wife taught, her first semester was largely characterized by a tight, authoritative , non- negotiable , aloof style of management. Once she had commanded the respect of her learners she could slacken off and allow a bit more latitude and connectedness. Teachers who are soft when they first engage children, lose them and generally never regain their confidence.

I like to think of early development as an extrinsic fence that we put up to keep them out of trouble and in control. As they develop, the fences can gradually fade away until the fence is intrinsic, within their value system and part of their own self management.

THE SECOND PHASE IS FOR TRAINING

The training phase extends from 7 to 12 and will end with the child having its own internal compass and able to work out for itself what is right and wrong. Getting there is a journey in which understanding of our rules and values, slowly displaces the factual content of rules. As they mature in their capacity to integrate values and exercise them appropriately, discipline should move towards strategies that induce them to make appropriate choices and value judgments.

Instruction is binary as in "Don't do that, or else". If a child asks "why?", we generally answer, "Because I said so" or "Because it works that way". That approach is ineffective with children that are developing inquiring minds and cognitive skills. They then need to understand why we do what we do and what is the thinking behind a value. The ability to convey understanding is critical to the development of a healthy conscience and self-management.

During this phase, set backs will happen when a child will revert to childish ways. My brother-in-law rarely smacked his children, but right in the middle of this phase his firstborn took him on in a very public challenge to his authority. They were in a forest at the time and the father quickly restored the balance of power with a branch of a tree. The child never tried it again and blossomed into a fine young man. I have had similar relapses, fewer than what I can count on one hand, where my sons lost their way or started to regress into unacceptable patterns. A good smack helped them regain self control, self confidence and direction. It cleared out the cobwebs and for months, ever years later, they remained positive and happy.

THE THIRD PHASE IS FOR COACHING (Not my own concept, but certainly an observed reality in parent-child counseling sessions)

In this phase the child starts to negotiate the world on its own terms. Their compass should be working by then and the extrinsic fences should be down. I am not suggesting that discipline ends here, it just must be more measured and related to consequence. The child must make decisions and we at best should only coach from the side-lines, allowing them room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

My first born turns 13 this year and I have gone to great lengths to prepare him for a formal separation from childhood into manhood. I want him to know when he has crossed that line and from then on I will treat him as a man, not as a child, holding him accountable for his actions, decisions and behaviors .

CONCLUSION

If a parent is still spanking frequently beyond six, them its because they lost the opportunity to get the child orientated before six. I find parents are often scared of their children and reluctant to discipline, yet I have also found that children are so forgiving of loving discipline to the point where they will even misbehave so to get the attention they need. However, if a parent doesn't adapt to the changes in their children, all the good they set out to do will be undermined and rebellion or alienation will result.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Acknowledgement: E Ezzo, Raising Kids God's Way

Corporal discipline of children

It has is or is becoming universally illegal for parents to use corporal punishment in the home. I hate the term “corporal punishment”, because it does not reflect God’s heart, but it does introduce the points I wish to make.

God’s call is to discipline, which implies instruction, loving instruction. The acid test of good discipline is a good disciple. If discipline induces a noble change of heart and a deep internalisation of values, it is a good thing. If discipline is just about hitting, then it is hitting, not discipline.

Some day, children near you might sue their parents for smacking them. It would be a tragic day, but when it does come, don’t blame the law, blame the home. If a parent whose behaviour is devoid of loving instruction hits a child, chances are good that the child will regard the action as abuse, not as just or fair discipline. Children have an inbuilt sense of justice and will respect the disciplines imposed by fair and loving parents.

A child was smacked in a US car park. Some bystander screamed at the parents and threatened to report them to the authorities, to which the “victim” said, “Dad what’s wrong with that woman”. Where discipline is lovingly applied within a context of wise instruction, it is highly unlikely that a child would run to the authorities. Children actually value discipline, because it gives them a sense of security and if it is done with the right heart, they will see it as a loving expression of your interest in their wellbeing.

The modern trend away from corporal discipline has all kinds of roots. There was a time when abuse of slaves was allowed and then rightly prohibited. The abuse of women is still widely practised around the world and that is also wrong. Bullying in school is just as wrong and the increasing trend in child abuse is most definitely wrong. It is useful to understand why legislators currently want to address corporal punishment, especially given the extent of child abuse in our society.

However, whilst I deplore child abuse of any form, I must balance the debate with an equally relevant observation, namely that, “The neglect of loving discipline is also abusive”. Universally, parents are already tending to opt out on what is probably our defining role in life, so once the law takes its course there could be universal abdication of discipline in the home? I would be a very worried child if that were the case.

Consider that discipline could steer your children away from drugs, crime, aids, social problems, struggling careers, poor sportsmanship, low self-esteem, disregard for social order … I would rather take steps to avoid that, regardless of what people say.

Society seems so inclined to over-correct. We readily throw the baby out with the bathwater (which I believe is not very good for babies). We need to find a balance in the current debate. Denying the rights of a parent, to parent, surrenders the next generation to the discipline of gangs, bullies and hoodlums. No one will be able to legislate against that, but it is the next logical step in our regression to anarchy.

I came across the following list of reasons for not spanking:

Hitting, models hitting – I agree, that’s why we speak of loving discipline rather than hitting as such. However, when a smack is appropriate, it will never model hitting, it will model responsibility.

Hitting devalues a child – I was subject to what may be described as abuse and even that did not devalue me. However, loving discipline entrenches self-respect and dignity in a child.
Hitting devalues the parent – On the contrary, it restores respect to parents and provides boundaries. Reneging on discipline devalues parents, because everyone else has to live with the consequences.
Hitting does not improve behaviour – I don’t want to improve bad behaviour, I want to stop it. Smacking, used wisely and selectively can stop a whole lot of things, including the symptoms of insecurity.

Spanking is unbiblical – that may be true for some people, but not for the bible most widely used in our culture. Accordingly, I have ignored the rest of the list as well.

Someone once said, “Let a pig and a boy have their own way and you’ll have a good pig and a bad boy” – you will also have a happy pig and a sad boy. Don’t ever underestimate the unique capacity parents have been given to bring discipline to their homes and the significant difference it will make to the children entrusted to our care. Dare to discipline.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Those boots were made for walking

When my firstborn was about two, he adored his little blue gum-boots and could go nowhere without them. One day his mom kissed him goodbye as she dropped him off at creche. She said to Tim, "Jesus is in your heart", to which he replied, "and in my boots".

A few years later he and his little brother were jumping up and down in the backseat of the car, when he said "let's drive each other nuts". Nancy Sinatra's shoes may have been made for walking, but when a person allows God's spirit to fill their shoes, give them direction and lead them into adventure, not only does it rub off on others, it also drives Satan crazy.

We need Jesus in our hearts, but unless our lives acquire a living purpose in Him, we are no more than an ark without water: destined to go nowhere, with a faith that is irrelevant, untested and unable to rise to the challenges of life.

In the formative years of their lives, our children walk closer to us, looking to us for direction, purpose and instruction. Consequently we build little fences around them, to define their limited boundaries and to protect them from childhood perils. As they grow, we slowly push out the boundaries until eventually they are removed completely. By then, it is hoped that sound fences have emerged within their hearts and that they have developed an internal compass that can guide them to right decisions and a sense of purpose.

It is not our role to build our children towards us and to so rule their lives that they become dependents. It is our function to build away from us and to develop them into independent, self-assured people, who can leave the home and walk into the world with their heads held high.

They are not ours and never will be. They came from God and must return to Him. I have always believed that they were entrusted to me and as such I have stewarded their precious lives in a way that would enable me to account to God for them. I must hand them back and surrender them to God's purpose for their lives otherwise I will frustrate them and rob them of human worth and dignity. As such, every lesson, every moment of learning relates not to the offence as much as it does to the principle behind the offence.

The law kills and when we instruct or discipline around the offence, as such, we impose the law and kill the spirit. However, when we focus on the spirit of the law, the principle behind the offence, we add life.

If a child is penalized for running along a corridor, his response will be one of fear, defiance or avoidance - none of which are fruits of the Spirit. When a child learns that younger children could be hurt and he could slip if he runs along a corridor (assuming that the ruling is not in itself petty and irrelevant to a young, energetic child), the child will display traits of consideration, self control and peace - fruits of the Spirit.

Jesus is in their little boots. The call of God is on each precious life. They have a divine potential for good. Our role is to steer them away from what is bad and to instill an aspiration for that which is noble and of good report. I have witnessed far too many liberal schools and their capacity to breed social misfits, but I have also witnessed conservative schools that all too often punish for petty offences and thereby provoke frustration and resentment. I firmly believe in discipline, but when a boy behaves like a boy I get excited, for in our effeminate, emasculated world, far too many men grow up repressed and domesticated, with no will to rise up and be men or leaders within their culture. Girls respond to restraint far more readily than boys do, because they are wired differently. It is rarely naughtiness that leads to boys burning things or climbing on the roof, rather it is the spirit of manhood calling them to wild adventure and a purpose in God.

When Tim was about twelve, he unintentionally set fire to a compost heap in our back yard. It was a raging fire that had neighbors hosing it down from across the wall. When they asked what was happening, I merely replied, "I have sons": they fully understood what that meant.

Afterwards, I had a choice to lay into my already distressed and regretful son and thereby forego a teachable moment or to use the moment wisely. I chose to sit him down and talk about fire, about how, since the dawn of time, men carried fire. They carried it into their villages and caves and harnessed it for the protection of their families, for warmth and for light. Later they acquired the use of guns, a variant of primitive fire. It was defining of a man to handle the danger and fury of fire with responsibility and restraint. The intention was to add value to the village, not to burn it down. I have since been hunting with Tim and could share with him that guns are very dangerous things, to be used responsibly, to protect and defend, never to cause harm.

I then spoke of the fires of our lives, fires that we must manage to define our lives. Our sexual fire is intense, yet when a man chooses to restrain himself and not spill his fire, but to channel it into meaningful, responsible living, he will emerge as a man indeed. Similarly, the fire of purpose and passion, if used for reckless living, defines a man as a fool, but a focused life is like an arrow that flies straight to its target and sets men apart from boys. Now God too gives us His fire, the zeal of God which comes as the fire of His spirit, a flame that burns in the heart and lights up young eyes. That fire must also be channeled, so that children find their purpose and step up to the plate to assume a meaningful place in the course of life.

Life affords us no greater responsibility or privilege than to raise the next generation, so invest purpose and dignity into their lives and equip them to walk, nay to run through life with such purpose that when at last they stumble into the ground, they go down panting and with a victorious smile on their faces.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Good news

Crocodile Harris sang, “Please give me the good news.” One of the verses says:

If I accept the word “forever”
Maybe we should live together
and not be scared to watch the late night news.
You can't use guns to build a nation,
a bullet never was creation

Somewhat haunting words and they go straight to one of the greatest issues of our time, crime and violence. We all fear it, we all hate it, we all want our government to stop it and no one feels enough is being done.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani transformed New York from the world’s crime capital into a flourishing city. He imposed discipline on New York, through “zero tolerance” of all offences. One thing led to another and the crime and the grime was uprooted. This brought tourists in, tills began to ring, people prospered, everyone benefited and only criminals were worse off.

Crime and violence reflects a lack of discipline in home and society

Governments express deep concern about opportunism and ill discipline, especially within their own ranks and among the youth. Crime and corruption threatens the fabric of our society and the sustainability of democracy, which would hurt the economic and social prospects of all.

Their concerns are reflected by broader evidence of “dissing” amongst children, rampant abuse of cellphones, violence in schools and a general regression of social order – on the roads, in public offices, everywhere.

Declining discipline levels in UK schools and the misguided tolerance of bad behaviour amongst children, encourages kids to swear at teachers and threaten violence. There are some controls, but its not enough and anti-social behaviour could become a runaway phenomenon that will eventually hit the economy, foreign investment and social stability.

Not long ago some learners, in our own school, admitted that they felt a thing was only wrong when they were caught doing it. They were quite happy to disobey the rules of the school without any conscience. Thankfully they are now testing their moral theories elsewhere.

We may be a generation away from a social disaster, yet we are but one generation beyond what was once a respectful and ordered society. How quickly things have degenerated. How urgently we must act to preserve life for our children and their children. Discipline is our collective struggle..

A call to action – a reasonable response to the issues

Christians will never be free of these social issues. In fact if we over regulate it, we could repress character and undermine the moral responsibility of our children – not an objective of good education. Indeed, our job is to buidl a value system that facilitates confident self-management in children, for they are not ours - we must ultimately equip them for that moment when we return them to God and His divine purpose for their lives and then they must get on with it. Repression will rob them of self-motivation, responsibility and independence.

So we need to live with many imperfections and govern it all wisely, without creating a stifling, cold and regimented system. We should also remain real and relational. Thus parents and teachers must be able to laugh and cry and be very human, whilst still maintaining high standards of education and discipline.

Parents may feel that the subject of discipline is challenging. It is certainly not my desire to be insensitive to parents that are trying hard, despite the struggles of balancing work, home and other priorities. But, you also cannot outsource parental guidance – discipline must start at home and parents and teachers need to find ways to work together to instil a culture of discipline and respect in all learners.

Fair and loving discipline is not hard to impose, is always respected by children and is the most obvious way to protect our children from social corruption. Don’t feel threatened by this, rather lets help each other to help them. When we are divided, children will divide and conquer, but when we work together we will equip them for life, peace and happiness.

Unless we act, we face a greater struggle

When Winston Churchill warned the world of war, they ignored him. When the clouds of war gathered over Europe they still ignored him, and Harold McMillan naively shook hands with evil, saying: “We have peace in our times”. Then the bombs started falling, but it was too late.

So I must now say to this generation: don’t ignore the real threats of indiscipline. Crime and corruption reflect a lack of social maturity and an absence of discipline, a psychosis that has destroyed many nations. Left to itself, the same tragedy will befall our world and hurt the very people we seek to help.

So, I can’t give you good news, as such. Yet there still is good news: for we can still make a difference and there is still hope. With God, ALL things are possible!

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com