Balanced discipline

Children go through development phases and discipline must adapt to each stage.

THE FIRST STAGE (0 to 6) IS INSTRUCTIVE

They have no internalized value system, the parent does and the challenge is to instruct them. At that age they are soft and warm and really a small, sharp, reasonable smack will not hurt them and it is not cruel. I have seen children of that age, playing in icy cold conditions or cold water, because there is such a high proportion of body fat that they are well insulated against a lot of things, including cold, pain, falling and other childhood threats. However, they do have a will. In fact studies have shown that they can even learn basic sign language as early as eight months and their application of that will is binary. They resist to find their boundaries and we oblige by showing them where those boundaries are.

The results of early discipline (not subtle stuff that they don't understand such as reward based manipulation), helps to build their confidence and respect for authority, the vital foundation needed for later discipline. The reason parents often struggle with discipline in later stages is because they haven't established the vital link in the cycle of discipline, namely respect for authority.

When my wife taught, her first semester was largely characterized by a tight, authoritative , non- negotiable , aloof style of management. Once she had commanded the respect of her learners she could slacken off and allow a bit more latitude and connectedness. Teachers who are soft when they first engage children, lose them and generally never regain their confidence.

I like to think of early development as an extrinsic fence that we put up to keep them out of trouble and in control. As they develop, the fences can gradually fade away until the fence is intrinsic, within their value system and part of their own self management.

THE SECOND PHASE IS FOR TRAINING

The training phase extends from 7 to 12 and will end with the child having its own internal compass and able to work out for itself what is right and wrong. Getting there is a journey in which understanding of our rules and values, slowly displaces the factual content of rules. As they mature in their capacity to integrate values and exercise them appropriately, discipline should move towards strategies that induce them to make appropriate choices and value judgments.

Instruction is binary as in "Don't do that, or else". If a child asks "why?", we generally answer, "Because I said so" or "Because it works that way". That approach is ineffective with children that are developing inquiring minds and cognitive skills. They then need to understand why we do what we do and what is the thinking behind a value. The ability to convey understanding is critical to the development of a healthy conscience and self-management.

During this phase, set backs will happen when a child will revert to childish ways. My brother-in-law rarely smacked his children, but right in the middle of this phase his firstborn took him on in a very public challenge to his authority. They were in a forest at the time and the father quickly restored the balance of power with a branch of a tree. The child never tried it again and blossomed into a fine young man. I have had similar relapses, fewer than what I can count on one hand, where my sons lost their way or started to regress into unacceptable patterns. A good smack helped them regain self control, self confidence and direction. It cleared out the cobwebs and for months, ever years later, they remained positive and happy.

THE THIRD PHASE IS FOR COACHING (Not my own concept, but certainly an observed reality in parent-child counseling sessions)

In this phase the child starts to negotiate the world on its own terms. Their compass should be working by then and the extrinsic fences should be down. I am not suggesting that discipline ends here, it just must be more measured and related to consequence. The child must make decisions and we at best should only coach from the side-lines, allowing them room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

My first born turns 13 this year and I have gone to great lengths to prepare him for a formal separation from childhood into manhood. I want him to know when he has crossed that line and from then on I will treat him as a man, not as a child, holding him accountable for his actions, decisions and behaviors .

CONCLUSION

If a parent is still spanking frequently beyond six, them its because they lost the opportunity to get the child orientated before six. I find parents are often scared of their children and reluctant to discipline, yet I have also found that children are so forgiving of loving discipline to the point where they will even misbehave so to get the attention they need. However, if a parent doesn't adapt to the changes in their children, all the good they set out to do will be undermined and rebellion or alienation will result.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Acknowledgement: E Ezzo, Raising Kids God's Way