About men: They have to do something, but also need a burning bush experience

It is generally not easy for a man to simply do nothing. When they are still boys, even doing the wrong things beats doing nothing and as a result they are often in trouble. Look I know there are exceptions to every generalisation, but most guys I know, myself included, feel very uncomfortable with inaction.

If you wnat to see what I mean, watch what happens to men when they are out of work. Some climb the wall, some go right over the wall, others just slump against the wall in misery and a few, like Winston Churchill express their pain by building a new wall. Its a very tough thing for a guy, because rightly or wrongly he is conditioned by life to be a provider. It is tough to let go of that and look to God as our provider - most men will really battle to make that transition, even very spiritual men.

About men: They need to be heroes ... but who needs another hero?

Ever since my boys were small, there was a budding hero in their hearts. They took to guns and weapons of mass distraction, faster than I can write these words. They were up drainpipes, launching themselves down flights of stairs onto precarious mattresses or walking along the edge of nothingness or exploding stufft that the CIA might find less than amusing, before they even had teeth - thank you Lord that their teeth came later and that they each have a spare set, for they really need it.

To this day they both dream of changing the world and ridding it of all the baddies out there. Both had far more effective solutions for Iraq, Iran, Zimbabwe and other trouble spots of this earth, than the trillions of dollars the US spent in coming to a non-resolution.

About men: one of their greatest needs is to be needed

Decades ago, African men were defined by their prowess. They would carry spear and shields, chant war songs and go off to do battle, if not with their enemy, then with the antelope that frequented their grassy plains. After a hard day’s work the women would cook the food and wait on their warriors. But as the sun retreated below the tall stands of savanna and the thorn trees that stood sentry along the shadowed escarpments, the men would sit around their fires, drinking beer and sharing stories, the light in their eyes enflamed by the legends of bygone eras.

Sadly the world no longer needs their strength. They still stand in huddled groups around brazen fires, where flickering street lights enflame their empty eyes, as they shelter from the emptiness beyond … until the grey shafts of morn restore life to the cold, stone flagstones.

About men: they are caught in a conflict of expectations, that point back to God

My family has been through a long season of struggle. After a series of life-class setbacks, the final blow came with the failure of a business and my inability to get reemployed. That resulted in the loss of our life savings and many other deep struggles. Well, such is life. God has been faithful anyway and He has always provided our daily bread. He has also used our experience to shape us to His will and to equip us for whatever lies ahead.

Yesterday my wife had an honest moment with me. Now that we are at the bottom of the barrel she questioned whether I was doing enough to address the crisis. The fact that I have faced countless disappointments, is besides the point, but as she expressed disappointment in me for failing to meet her needs, I in turn said, “I feel the same about God”.

About men: Why men outperform women

Men best women in almost every sphere of achievement. It is empirically true. The best chefs are men, men are better in almost every known sport, in non-athletic sports like golf or sailing, men still outrank women. Throughout biblical history, there was one female judge, no female monarchs, but endless male leaders. Throughout human history, men have built roads, bridges, empires and great structures. Men invented and perfected aircraft, motor cars, the space shuttle, weapons … they have excelled everywhere.

About men: We don't need another hero

Ever since my boys were tots they have cried out "watch me Dad", before diving down a full staircase onto the mattresses far below or exploding a home-made incendiary device or doing a double-somersault into the pool or walking along a parapet above a 3,000 foot sheer drop or launching a rocket or, more recently, to review their academic progress. I never had girls so I can't comment on that, already complex mystery.

The need for approval and recognition is a powerful driver in men. It was the key driver behind all the greatest waves of history. Unfortunately it is also misplaced.

So having upset a whole lot of ladies I am now upsetting a whole lot of guys

The Stranger in our House

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

About men: they have greater needs for identity

One of the greatest needs of men is directly linked to one of their greatest vulnerabilities: the toughest of men are all susceptible to their egos. As such a little woman can stand up to a big man and tear him down with words or rejections.

The Scots have the most unshakable accent in the world. I have met Scots that are more than 50 years removed from their homeland, but whose accents are as stubborn as ever. I once heard of a woman who applied for a job. A condition of employment was to lose the accent, which she did, thereby proving that it is possible to shake, even if it is undesirable to do so. That stubbornness is because their cultural identities (kilts, bagpipes, traditions, symbols, food) are so strong and vivid, which firmly anchors the Scots to their roots.

About men: who are you? There are just many mixed signals

Society is facing more moral dilemmas than ever. For ages homosexuality was a closet sin and so were many other social issues, but now it has become a social sin to suppress what was once frowned on. It is now more wrong to speak right, truth has become an opinion and society has opted for the ten suggestions.

We have a litany of social issues, but in decrying the symptoms have lost sight of the causes. Doctors may treat root cause, not symptoms, but more money can be made from symptomatic treatments. Rather than understand why we feel the way we do, we revert to placebos, pain killers, anti-depressants and so on.

As with homosexuality, many have reverted to rather simplistic right/wrong debates. There was a time when the priests of Israel used the Urim and Thummin (yes/no, guilty/not guilty) method of divination. They were bones or stones that the user cast to the ground as a somewhat arbitrary method of discernment. It was used by Joshua to (correctly) single out Achan for the offence he brought on the nation when he took forbidden loot from Jericho.

About men: Biblical manhood

I have often heard leaders defend a masculine model of manhood, arguing that a man must be sweaty and brawny. Why do we need to tidy up incongruencies by putting people into stereotypical boxes and why do we insist on selecting leaders based on impressions whilst God looks on the unseen heart?

The fact is that like so like so many others, I am not that good at sport, nor am I brawny. My center of gravity is more in my heart and mind. I am a thinker and, like David, very reflective – a writer of poetry and books. I have also paid many prices for standing my ground on issues of consequence. Many other men who would pass the brawn and sweat test, still fail where it most counts – in their responsibilities to life and family.

About men: All or nothing

I recently had the need to explore work opportunities away from home. My own drought drove me as it once did for Abraham and Jacob. However, at the last moment God intervened, shut the door and pointed me in another direction. It was almost like the knife had been poised over my family when the angel intervened.

It reminded me that God is so relational. He will never, ever divide relationships, especially families. He told Abraham to offer His son to make that very point - that unlike the pagan system, His value does not turn our most treasured relationships into sacrifices.

Oh of course we don't do human sacrifices anymore - we just offer our families on the economic or career altar, allowing the most treasured of all relationships to suffer for the sake of a thankless system. But God is not like that at all. Indeed, performance is of little or no consequence to Him at all. Obdeience is far more valuable than sacrifice. We can make whatever sacrifices to the system, be it time, money, convenience or lifestyle, but it all means nought to God - for divine progress derives from obedience to God's laws and principles.

There is a more salient point though. When Abraham sired a half son through Hagar, God made the point that for all his potency as a man (and Abraham was evidently very potent given the children he sired after the death of Sarah), the promise was two-edged - it vested in him and his wife. Just as a seed cannot germinate without an egg, so we are incapable of stewarding God's promises except in covenant with our life partners.

Far too many men feel that what happens out there is down to their prowess or ego - and many women have fallen for the same lie. To God it is all or nothing. Moses, Joshua and Caleb were great men, but God refused to let them go into the promised land without Israel, for the nation was the chosen vessel of God, not the individuals making up that nation.

So too with our families and indeed with the church - the individual for all his or her gifted-ness, is of little value alone, but is of awesome value and power within the context of the greater whole, for therein lies the fullest expression of His heart. God is relational - He never built the kingdom alone and He sure will not allow any of us to go it alone - its all, or nothing.

(c) Peter Eleazar@www.4u2live.net

About men: Root out the ants

My home was inundated with ants, but it amazed me how organized they were. If food dropped on the floor, news quickly reached the rest of the colony. As their chances of getting it all are always limited, they attack food furiously to get it back to the nest before it is too late.

Individual workers go out foraging and when they find a real prize they leave a pheromone trail on the way back to the nest. Other ants then follow the trail and if they confirm the find, they do their own pheromone number until they are all doing it.

About wives: What value a wife

What is the value of a wife? The bible calls her a good thing, but there are as many with doubts, as there are wives with doubts about husbands. The concept is a fading throwback to a romantic era. Sure marriage can hurt, but persistence brings great reward, as the relationship shifts from the emotions, to the head, the body and the heart - and two became one.

She is a life witness – only she has walked the journey with me and known my every stumble and triumph. She knows me better than anyone else, but the miracle is she loves me anyway. Some might prefer her to be a silent witness, but I am glad she was there.

About wives: See the whole me

With complex wiring and a broad brain stem, women offer us tinkers, a fascinating, lifelong pastime.

A wife also needs to be seen as a whole. She is not a sexual object, nor even a prize to be worn on the arms of proud men. She is a living, breathing wholeness that cries out for completion more than men are able to understand.

Men are quite binary. Feed them, sex them, amuse them and rest them and they are reasonably content.

A man can get by on a fairly business-like partnership with his wife, but that will never fulfill her. She is just too complex. A man can be switched on to his wife (or any other female) in moments and lose interest as quickly, not so for a woman. A man could be as detached from his wife in lovemaking as a client is in a transient moment with a prostitute. His need is somewhat organic, fairly superficial and easily satisfied.

The bottom line

The most important thing for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

The most important ingredient for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

In the army I once got too familiar with a senior officer. He had been friendly earlier so it seemed reasonable to joke a bit with him. He quickly put me in my place, because I was embarrassing him in front of others and I was taking liberties.

There is an instinct within all of us to test the boundaries of relationships. It looks for weaknesses and tries to exploit them, partly out of a need to define oneself. The most persistent battlefield though is in the family, where parents need to maintain a certain tension in the home to keep it together.

During my time in the army we had some mean leaders. They would haul us out of bed at 2 am to evaluate the capacity of our bladders or chase us off into the hills to find a leaf and then send us back for the other leaf.

We have also all had bosses like that. They would be gruff and unreasonable and strict. I even had it at school, where we used to have caning-relays, going round the class to each collect as many cuts as possible – great icebreaker on a cold day.

No permanent harm was ever done, most of us benefited, morale was high and memories were lingering. We had such war stories to relate to each other and had such fun getting almost into trouble or just out of trouble.

Although many of the discipline methods I have faced have become irrelevant in our modern world, discipline did create healthy tensions. Sloppiness, disrespect and untidiness were far from our minds. We were aware of what had to be done to survive and get through each day. There was a clear line that we would not cross, because every time we tried, something went badly wrong.

These tensions could be described as backbone, the solid foundation on which everything else is built. It ensures readiness, commitment, awareness, attention to detail, loyalty … all wonderful virtues to take into life. People who grow up outside such environments actually battle to fit in and they work against themselves – in fact the rest of the team will often censure them.

My eldest son is playing rugby. The disciplines for messing around during practices, include press-ups and running around the field. In the years to come I believe this will help adjust my son to real life. I find that ex sportsmen generally make very good employees because they have learnt: discipline, team work, how to handle pain, etc.

So when I tested my sergeant I tampered with a vital part of what makes a good army work. I was trying to undermine the healthy tension between leaders and followers. Loss of respect for leaders can cost lives in the army and it breeds low morale, disinterest, in fighting, restlessness and insecurity.

When a parent allows a child to cross that last frontier into the forbidden territory of familiarity and disrespect, it can lead seriously damage their sense of self, confidence, relational maturity and their ability to negotiate life realistically. Appropriate discipline is needed to nip such behavior in the bud.

Initially discipline starts with building clear and certain (never oppressive) fences around a child - "do this, do that, etc". With time fences must grow in their hearts, in the form of character and wisdom, the ability to discern right from wrong and make sound decisions. At that stage we must gradually remove the external fences, until the internal fences define them.

James Dobson relates how he was firmly disciplined as a young boy. It helped him to grow up with a healthy awareness of the consequences of disrespect, whilst still feeling memorably loved.

I can relate to that: one day I drove my Mom to the point where her frustration welled up and she broke a bicycle pump over my head – in my surprise I suddenly found new expressions of respect, like: “Wow, way to go Mom”.

Boundaries must never be defined by the child. Parents must set boundaries and maintain them. “When they test the lines and challenge you to react, REACT - stop it immediately”, otherwise by definition the line has been moved – and it will continue to move until it gets out of control.

Children analyze their boundaries. We are just as analytical in defying authority: we understand the official speed limit, but want to know what is the unofficial limit at which the authorities will actually take action. Or we excuse daily transgressions, allowing our own lines to drift until something goes wrong.

As Rudoph Giuliani proved in his celebrated anti-crime strategy, only a zero tolerance approach will restore the boundaries and renew social integrity. Parents also need a zero tolerance approach - never abdicate the line of authority, for in doing so you abdicate parenthood.

In the TV sitcom “8 simple rules”, Cate (a single mother) takes courageous and effective steps to restrain her teenage daughters Bridget and Kerry and her son Rory. The kids try everything to undermine her, but she never backs down and has very clear boundaries (8 simple rules) – a good, albeit humorous example for all.

Every good home needs its own simple, non-negotiable rules. Cate’s rules relate to the dating of her daughters, we need them to save our families.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Survey on family trends

The biggest spiritual challenges Christian parents identified are related to the spiritual development of their children, a new survey found.

Only four out of every 10 Christian parents of children between the ages of 3 and 18 said they do not face any spiritual challenges in their life, according to The Barna Group. Among those who do, 14 percent said the biggest personal challenge related to faith is raising moral children with a strong faith, which was the most common response.

Ten percent identified the need to personally invest more time in religious activities, such as reading the Bible or praying, as their greatest faith challenge.

When asked to rate the significance of eight specific challenges related to their faith, most do not perceive themselves to face major spiritual challenges.

Only 34 percent said having enough time to devote to their faith was a major challenge; and 30 percent said helping their children to become more spiritual was a major challenge.

"Our studies show that the faith principles and practices that a child absorbs by age thirteen boldly shapes their spirituality for the duration of their life,” said George Barna, who directed the survey. “Parents have a greater impact on that process than anyone else.

"This was a study exclusively of Christian parents with young children in their household. Given companion surveys showing that such parents often convey dismay over the eroding cultural environment for raising children, and how difficult parenting is these days, we anticipated a broader emphasis upon the challenges related to bringing up spiritually whole and healthy children.”

Evangelical Christian parents were three times more likely than other Christian segments to identify responding to the declining morals and values of society as a major challenge. They were also more likely than other Christian parents to feel they failed to devote enough time to their faith.

Among other challenges identified, 23 percent overall said enabling their spouse to be more spiritual; 21 percent said growing spiritually, personally; 20 percent identified understanding what's in the Bible; 19 percent named finding a church or faith community that's right for them; 18 percent said getting a sense of direction from God; and 18 percent identified practicing the faith principles they had learned.

"In addition to making parenting a 24/7 priority, we found that parents must have an authentic and vibrant faith in order to provide meaningful spiritual guidance to their children," said Barna. "Children rarely embrace spiritual principles and practices that their parents fail to demonstrate in their lifestyle.”

Hispanics were the most likely ethnic group to identify challenges related to parenting and family matters with one out of every three Hispanic parents listing the challenge. Meanwhile, only one out of six white parents and one out of eight black parents listed the same challenge.

Black parents were much more likely than others to name faith-driven behavioral challenges. And white parents were much more likely than others to list participating in more religious activity as their major spiritual challenge. At the same time, white parents were substantially less likely than parents of other ethnic groups to indicate that growing spiritually and understanding the Bible were major challenges.

Other findings showed that notional Christians – those who are not born again but consider themselves to be Christian – were twice as likely as born-again parents to list attending church more often as a major challenge.

Regionally, Christian parents in the Northeast were the least likely to feel challenged to have enough time to devote to their faith and to feel that growing spiritually was a major personal challenge.

Those most likely to identify helping their children grow spiritually as a major challenge were parents in the South. Meanwhile, parents in the western states were among the least likely to feel that growing spiritually and finding a viable church or faith community were major challenges.

Christian parents in the Midwest were the least likely to feel that helping children grow spiritually was a major challenge; least likely to identify exhibiting spiritual-driven behavior as an issue; and least likely to say they had no faith-related or spiritual issues facing them.

“Many of the same people who claim that their faith is very important to them and that they are absolutely committed to Christianity also say that they face no spiritual challenges in life," Barna noted. "Many other adults are only vaguely aware of such challenges, and do not put much energy into addressing them.

"Americans focus on what they consider to be the most important matters; faith maturity is not one of them. The dominant spiritual change that we have seen – Americans becoming less engaged in matters of faith – helps to explain the surging secularization of our culture.”

The survey was conducted in October and November 2006 among 601 adults who described themselves as Christian.

(c) 6 October 2007, Audrey Barrick, Christian Post

Good news

Crocodile Harris sang, “Please give me the good news.” One of the verses says:

If I accept the word “forever”
Maybe we should live together
and not be scared to watch the late night news.
You can't use guns to build a nation,
a bullet never was creation

Somewhat haunting words and they go straight to one of the greatest issues of our time, crime and violence. We all fear it, we all hate it, we all want our government to stop it and no one feels enough is being done.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani transformed New York from the world’s crime capital into a flourishing city. He imposed discipline on New York, through “zero tolerance” of all offences. One thing led to another and the crime and the grime was uprooted. This brought tourists in, tills began to ring, people prospered, everyone benefited and only criminals were worse off.

Crime and violence reflects a lack of discipline in home and society

Governments express deep concern about opportunism and ill discipline, especially within their own ranks and among the youth. Crime and corruption threatens the fabric of our society and the sustainability of democracy, which would hurt the economic and social prospects of all.

Their concerns are reflected by broader evidence of “dissing” amongst children, rampant abuse of cellphones, violence in schools and a general regression of social order – on the roads, in public offices, everywhere.

Declining discipline levels in UK schools and the misguided tolerance of bad behaviour amongst children, encourages kids to swear at teachers and threaten violence. There are some controls, but its not enough and anti-social behaviour could become a runaway phenomenon that will eventually hit the economy, foreign investment and social stability.

Not long ago some learners, in our own school, admitted that they felt a thing was only wrong when they were caught doing it. They were quite happy to disobey the rules of the school without any conscience. Thankfully they are now testing their moral theories elsewhere.

We may be a generation away from a social disaster, yet we are but one generation beyond what was once a respectful and ordered society. How quickly things have degenerated. How urgently we must act to preserve life for our children and their children. Discipline is our collective struggle..

A call to action – a reasonable response to the issues

Christians will never be free of these social issues. In fact if we over regulate it, we could repress character and undermine the moral responsibility of our children – not an objective of good education. Indeed, our job is to buidl a value system that facilitates confident self-management in children, for they are not ours - we must ultimately equip them for that moment when we return them to God and His divine purpose for their lives and then they must get on with it. Repression will rob them of self-motivation, responsibility and independence.

So we need to live with many imperfections and govern it all wisely, without creating a stifling, cold and regimented system. We should also remain real and relational. Thus parents and teachers must be able to laugh and cry and be very human, whilst still maintaining high standards of education and discipline.

Parents may feel that the subject of discipline is challenging. It is certainly not my desire to be insensitive to parents that are trying hard, despite the struggles of balancing work, home and other priorities. But, you also cannot outsource parental guidance – discipline must start at home and parents and teachers need to find ways to work together to instil a culture of discipline and respect in all learners.

Fair and loving discipline is not hard to impose, is always respected by children and is the most obvious way to protect our children from social corruption. Don’t feel threatened by this, rather lets help each other to help them. When we are divided, children will divide and conquer, but when we work together we will equip them for life, peace and happiness.

Unless we act, we face a greater struggle

When Winston Churchill warned the world of war, they ignored him. When the clouds of war gathered over Europe they still ignored him, and Harold McMillan naively shook hands with evil, saying: “We have peace in our times”. Then the bombs started falling, but it was too late.

So I must now say to this generation: don’t ignore the real threats of indiscipline. Crime and corruption reflect a lack of social maturity and an absence of discipline, a psychosis that has destroyed many nations. Left to itself, the same tragedy will befall our world and hurt the very people we seek to help.

So, I can’t give you good news, as such. Yet there still is good news: for we can still make a difference and there is still hope. With God, ALL things are possible!

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com