About men: They need to be heroes ... but who needs another hero?

Ever since my boys were small, there was a budding hero in their hearts. They took to guns and weapons of mass distraction, faster than I can write these words. They were up drainpipes, launching themselves down flights of stairs onto precarious mattresses or walking along the edge of nothingness or exploding stufft that the CIA might find less than amusing, before they even had teeth - thank you Lord that their teeth came later and that they each have a spare set, for they really need it.

To this day they both dream of changing the world and ridding it of all the baddies out there. Both had far more effective solutions for Iraq, Iran, Zimbabwe and other trouble spots of this earth, than the trillions of dollars the US spent in coming to a non-resolution.

About men: they are caught in a conflict of expectations, that point back to God

My family has been through a long season of struggle. After a series of life-class setbacks, the final blow came with the failure of a business and my inability to get reemployed. That resulted in the loss of our life savings and many other deep struggles. Well, such is life. God has been faithful anyway and He has always provided our daily bread. He has also used our experience to shape us to His will and to equip us for whatever lies ahead.

Yesterday my wife had an honest moment with me. Now that we are at the bottom of the barrel she questioned whether I was doing enough to address the crisis. The fact that I have faced countless disappointments, is besides the point, but as she expressed disappointment in me for failing to meet her needs, I in turn said, “I feel the same about God”.

About men: Root out the ants

My home was inundated with ants, but it amazed me how organized they were. If food dropped on the floor, news quickly reached the rest of the colony. As their chances of getting it all are always limited, they attack food furiously to get it back to the nest before it is too late.

Individual workers go out foraging and when they find a real prize they leave a pheromone trail on the way back to the nest. Other ants then follow the trail and if they confirm the find, they do their own pheromone number until they are all doing it.

The bottom line

The most important thing for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

The most important ingredient for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

In the army I once got too familiar with a senior officer. He had been friendly earlier so it seemed reasonable to joke a bit with him. He quickly put me in my place, because I was embarrassing him in front of others and I was taking liberties.

There is an instinct within all of us to test the boundaries of relationships. It looks for weaknesses and tries to exploit them, partly out of a need to define oneself. The most persistent battlefield though is in the family, where parents need to maintain a certain tension in the home to keep it together.

During my time in the army we had some mean leaders. They would haul us out of bed at 2 am to evaluate the capacity of our bladders or chase us off into the hills to find a leaf and then send us back for the other leaf.

We have also all had bosses like that. They would be gruff and unreasonable and strict. I even had it at school, where we used to have caning-relays, going round the class to each collect as many cuts as possible – great icebreaker on a cold day.

No permanent harm was ever done, most of us benefited, morale was high and memories were lingering. We had such war stories to relate to each other and had such fun getting almost into trouble or just out of trouble.

Although many of the discipline methods I have faced have become irrelevant in our modern world, discipline did create healthy tensions. Sloppiness, disrespect and untidiness were far from our minds. We were aware of what had to be done to survive and get through each day. There was a clear line that we would not cross, because every time we tried, something went badly wrong.

These tensions could be described as backbone, the solid foundation on which everything else is built. It ensures readiness, commitment, awareness, attention to detail, loyalty … all wonderful virtues to take into life. People who grow up outside such environments actually battle to fit in and they work against themselves – in fact the rest of the team will often censure them.

My eldest son is playing rugby. The disciplines for messing around during practices, include press-ups and running around the field. In the years to come I believe this will help adjust my son to real life. I find that ex sportsmen generally make very good employees because they have learnt: discipline, team work, how to handle pain, etc.

So when I tested my sergeant I tampered with a vital part of what makes a good army work. I was trying to undermine the healthy tension between leaders and followers. Loss of respect for leaders can cost lives in the army and it breeds low morale, disinterest, in fighting, restlessness and insecurity.

When a parent allows a child to cross that last frontier into the forbidden territory of familiarity and disrespect, it can lead seriously damage their sense of self, confidence, relational maturity and their ability to negotiate life realistically. Appropriate discipline is needed to nip such behavior in the bud.

Initially discipline starts with building clear and certain (never oppressive) fences around a child - "do this, do that, etc". With time fences must grow in their hearts, in the form of character and wisdom, the ability to discern right from wrong and make sound decisions. At that stage we must gradually remove the external fences, until the internal fences define them.

James Dobson relates how he was firmly disciplined as a young boy. It helped him to grow up with a healthy awareness of the consequences of disrespect, whilst still feeling memorably loved.

I can relate to that: one day I drove my Mom to the point where her frustration welled up and she broke a bicycle pump over my head – in my surprise I suddenly found new expressions of respect, like: “Wow, way to go Mom”.

Boundaries must never be defined by the child. Parents must set boundaries and maintain them. “When they test the lines and challenge you to react, REACT - stop it immediately”, otherwise by definition the line has been moved – and it will continue to move until it gets out of control.

Children analyze their boundaries. We are just as analytical in defying authority: we understand the official speed limit, but want to know what is the unofficial limit at which the authorities will actually take action. Or we excuse daily transgressions, allowing our own lines to drift until something goes wrong.

As Rudoph Giuliani proved in his celebrated anti-crime strategy, only a zero tolerance approach will restore the boundaries and renew social integrity. Parents also need a zero tolerance approach - never abdicate the line of authority, for in doing so you abdicate parenthood.

In the TV sitcom “8 simple rules”, Cate (a single mother) takes courageous and effective steps to restrain her teenage daughters Bridget and Kerry and her son Rory. The kids try everything to undermine her, but she never backs down and has very clear boundaries (8 simple rules) – a good, albeit humorous example for all.

Every good home needs its own simple, non-negotiable rules. Cate’s rules relate to the dating of her daughters, we need them to save our families.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

I will build you a house

After a long, dry season, we put our house up for sale. It took the last half of that season to sell, but a year later an offer was placed before us. That night I talked to my family about the offer and we all reflected on how much we had loved the house that God had given us to live in. After supper I retired early as I wanted to sleep on the offer and get up early to pray about it.

As I prepared for bed, I felt God urging me to open my bible. I then read from Psalm 126, David speaking, "I have love the house that you gave us to live in". It was an uncanny moment, but the NIV specifically cast David's word in the past perfect tense. I sensed God was acknowledging that we needed to let go of something of value and He was showing us that this was of Him.

I read further and at the end of the chapter, God spoke to David and said, "I will place level ground beneath you". All building starts with a leveling process, using foundations to create an artificial level that is vital to sound building. The greatest of builders knew that we needed solid ground for our future, but He also knew that we needed a foundation that would ensure a sound structure in our lives. In place of the uncertainty that faced us, God now revealed a future of certainty.

In Psalm 127 David speaks of building on a solid rock and making God His house, His dwelling place. This spoke to of finding security, not in brick and mortar, but in the purposes of God. In fact, David, in Psalm 23, implied that finding a dwelling in God was a permanent thing. He confirmed that surely goodness and mercy would stay with Him always and that He would dwell in God's house forever.

David was a man given to building. He and his descendants built a physical house for a spiritual God, but mighty as her walls were, Jerusalem fell - time and time again. He also sought to build a temple for God, but that task fell to His son Solomon, but magnificent as Solomon's labors were, his workmanship barely outlasted the corruption of his own heart.

As the nation slumped into a moral morass, the Persians plundered the city and led her people into captivity. The Romans also occupied the City and Herod, who built a new and truly awesome temple, occupied the walls of Jerusalem with a Roman guard. Titus then razed the city to the ground in AD70 and the Muslims later built the "abomination of desolation" on Judaism's most sacred temple mount. Even now a portion of the ancient city is in Palestinian hands.

As the great wall of China kept away the enemy without but failed to stop the enemy within, so David's city, a symbol of security and refuge, failed to be a true house.

But God promised in 2 Samuel 7, to establish a house for David that would never fail and that would give him a secure rest from his struggles. The concept of a "house" in the bible, refers to a legacy, a lineage. Moses was a servant in his own house, but Jesus is a son over his house (Hebrews 3). The house of Abraham referred to his descendants that would become like the stars of the sky and the sands of seashore for multitude. It was the idea of a lasting legacy that kept Abraham faithful to God's call and it so appealed to his grandson, Jacob, that he fought with all his heart for that which Esau could never appreciate.

David's house became the most durable culture of history. Even when his descendants were scattered or taken into captivity, they prevailed. They never forsook their heritage and remain as entrenched in their deep values. They fight like a tiger with cubs for their promised land and their holy city and will willingly sacrifice all for the unsearchable riches of the greatest heritage.

A house is secured by its walls and foundations, but a home is built and sustained by God. Walls keep out criminals, who rarely hurt the home, as such. But God protects us from the ravages of the world. He establishes our hearts and minds, and keeps them whose minds are stayed on Him. Therefore we will see our children's children (Ps 128).

Too many parents fret about security and the physical safety that a house offers, but it is better that we trust God to establish a house, a heritage, destiny, lineage and legacy that will outlast us and touch generations to come.

Two mid-west families sired four generations. The one family was given to drunkenness and coarse living and their ultimate descendants included a string of prostitutes, drug addicts, alcoholics, jail birds and miscreants. The other family, though poor, established a Godly heritage. As such their descendants today include doctors, lawyers, social pillars and prosperity. Evidently one of those descendants was a vice president of the US. Which parent would you rather be - one that is safe behind your walls, but unable to protect your family from the corruption of this world, or one that jealously preserves our precious heritage for the generations to come. The former may have a house, but the latter will have an enduing home.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Balanced discipline

Children go through development phases and discipline must adapt to each stage.

THE FIRST STAGE (0 to 6) IS INSTRUCTIVE

They have no internalized value system, the parent does and the challenge is to instruct them. At that age they are soft and warm and really a small, sharp, reasonable smack will not hurt them and it is not cruel. I have seen children of that age, playing in icy cold conditions or cold water, because there is such a high proportion of body fat that they are well insulated against a lot of things, including cold, pain, falling and other childhood threats. However, they do have a will. In fact studies have shown that they can even learn basic sign language as early as eight months and their application of that will is binary. They resist to find their boundaries and we oblige by showing them where those boundaries are.

The results of early discipline (not subtle stuff that they don't understand such as reward based manipulation), helps to build their confidence and respect for authority, the vital foundation needed for later discipline. The reason parents often struggle with discipline in later stages is because they haven't established the vital link in the cycle of discipline, namely respect for authority.

When my wife taught, her first semester was largely characterized by a tight, authoritative , non- negotiable , aloof style of management. Once she had commanded the respect of her learners she could slacken off and allow a bit more latitude and connectedness. Teachers who are soft when they first engage children, lose them and generally never regain their confidence.

I like to think of early development as an extrinsic fence that we put up to keep them out of trouble and in control. As they develop, the fences can gradually fade away until the fence is intrinsic, within their value system and part of their own self management.

THE SECOND PHASE IS FOR TRAINING

The training phase extends from 7 to 12 and will end with the child having its own internal compass and able to work out for itself what is right and wrong. Getting there is a journey in which understanding of our rules and values, slowly displaces the factual content of rules. As they mature in their capacity to integrate values and exercise them appropriately, discipline should move towards strategies that induce them to make appropriate choices and value judgments.

Instruction is binary as in "Don't do that, or else". If a child asks "why?", we generally answer, "Because I said so" or "Because it works that way". That approach is ineffective with children that are developing inquiring minds and cognitive skills. They then need to understand why we do what we do and what is the thinking behind a value. The ability to convey understanding is critical to the development of a healthy conscience and self-management.

During this phase, set backs will happen when a child will revert to childish ways. My brother-in-law rarely smacked his children, but right in the middle of this phase his firstborn took him on in a very public challenge to his authority. They were in a forest at the time and the father quickly restored the balance of power with a branch of a tree. The child never tried it again and blossomed into a fine young man. I have had similar relapses, fewer than what I can count on one hand, where my sons lost their way or started to regress into unacceptable patterns. A good smack helped them regain self control, self confidence and direction. It cleared out the cobwebs and for months, ever years later, they remained positive and happy.

THE THIRD PHASE IS FOR COACHING (Not my own concept, but certainly an observed reality in parent-child counseling sessions)

In this phase the child starts to negotiate the world on its own terms. Their compass should be working by then and the extrinsic fences should be down. I am not suggesting that discipline ends here, it just must be more measured and related to consequence. The child must make decisions and we at best should only coach from the side-lines, allowing them room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

My first born turns 13 this year and I have gone to great lengths to prepare him for a formal separation from childhood into manhood. I want him to know when he has crossed that line and from then on I will treat him as a man, not as a child, holding him accountable for his actions, decisions and behaviors .

CONCLUSION

If a parent is still spanking frequently beyond six, them its because they lost the opportunity to get the child orientated before six. I find parents are often scared of their children and reluctant to discipline, yet I have also found that children are so forgiving of loving discipline to the point where they will even misbehave so to get the attention they need. However, if a parent doesn't adapt to the changes in their children, all the good they set out to do will be undermined and rebellion or alienation will result.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Acknowledgement: E Ezzo, Raising Kids God's Way

Conquering the self esteem giant

I am intrigued by the issues of self-esteem, especially in children. I don't doubt that it is a major issue across society, but I am not sure we can realistically insulate our children from loss of self esteem, any more than we can restore the self esteem of those that protect them, their parents and teachers.

Don't get me wrong, we certainly do see degrees of self confidence in life, which suggest that at least there is hope. However, the factors leading to the loss of self esteem are complex, It is just too simplistic to isolate the issue to the schoolyard and it is equally simplistic to assume we can make it go away.

I was in the army, a very harsh and confrontational environment that existed to equip soldiers for battle. No allowances could be made for those who would fall apart in battle, so the system always weeded out weaker individuals. These were handled with appropriate compassion and many were reintegrated into less stressful roles, whilst some left and a few committed suicide.

As a young man I had to confront these issues, because the issues were real and near to us. I came away convinced that although life really was hard in the army, most of us had a pain threshold that kept us above the pain. With time, I saw recurring patterns in our school, where I am on the board of governors. Time and again I saw patterns of deviant behavior or evidence of diminished self esteem that traced back to parents. If it was a socially pervasive issue, I would have expected such patterns of behavior to be the norm, not the exception.

It led me to the conclusion that children are generally equipped for most of what life throws at them. I also concluded that a vital key to equipping a child for life is parenting.

One of my most notable observations has been that many children emerge successfully from deficient parenting, which reflects how forgiving parenting really is.

Thus I have seen children face really disappointing experiences and still love their parents, which offers great hope to parents who feel their parenting is inadequate.

I suppose its fair to observe that I did see some children drawn from seemingly privileged environments who also came off the tracks, but the causes were the same even if they looked different: the approval of parents and the time that parents spent with their children in instruction, loving discipline, relationship and support were key determinants of self esteem.

The problem with this line of argument, is that despite all the very best intentions, very few parents get it right - actually I don't think anyone does. John Eldredge wrote a great book, "Wild at Heart", which suggests that we are all wounded by our fathers, albeit unwittingly. I concur with that view and wrote my own book, "Dead Reckoning", which explores a biblical principle from Romans 8, which observes that "we are all subject to vanity".

It is our underlying vanity (sense of worthlessness, fear of failure, vulnerability), that lies at the root of materialism, competitive capitalism, one-upmanship, epidemic levels of psychosomatic disease and even wars. It is the very thing that capitalists exploit to separate you from your money, by playing on your vulnerabilities, so to induce you to buy a myriad of must-have products that might just enhance your self esteem.

In my book, I allude to fathering, but argue that the need for approval from our fathers will never be fulfilled, but our search for a greater Father can be met. We eventually must all face crises that trace back to our core vulnerabilities and which become the place of reckoning where we finally confront our issues and reset our compasses on a more certain beacon.

I was worried about my youngest son, who had an under-developed cortex that created a great tension between his ideals and his abilities. It also led to him being vulnerable to bullying. I considered sending him to self-defence classes, but then realized that would only cover his soul with a shield, a hard outer crust. It would not address the core vulnerability that plagues all of us in one way or another. So I worked on building up his character and giving him models of others who had to overcome giants, men like the biblical David. David was small, overlooked and an unlikely hero, but he faced his lions, his bears and than his giants until he stood tall in the land as a relevant leader.

The self esteem issue is a giant and we must all face our ultimate appointment with that giant if we are ever to be free and able to walk tall in the world.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Corporal discipline of children

It has is or is becoming universally illegal for parents to use corporal punishment in the home. I hate the term “corporal punishment”, because it does not reflect God’s heart, but it does introduce the points I wish to make.

God’s call is to discipline, which implies instruction, loving instruction. The acid test of good discipline is a good disciple. If discipline induces a noble change of heart and a deep internalisation of values, it is a good thing. If discipline is just about hitting, then it is hitting, not discipline.

Some day, children near you might sue their parents for smacking them. It would be a tragic day, but when it does come, don’t blame the law, blame the home. If a parent whose behaviour is devoid of loving instruction hits a child, chances are good that the child will regard the action as abuse, not as just or fair discipline. Children have an inbuilt sense of justice and will respect the disciplines imposed by fair and loving parents.

A child was smacked in a US car park. Some bystander screamed at the parents and threatened to report them to the authorities, to which the “victim” said, “Dad what’s wrong with that woman”. Where discipline is lovingly applied within a context of wise instruction, it is highly unlikely that a child would run to the authorities. Children actually value discipline, because it gives them a sense of security and if it is done with the right heart, they will see it as a loving expression of your interest in their wellbeing.

The modern trend away from corporal discipline has all kinds of roots. There was a time when abuse of slaves was allowed and then rightly prohibited. The abuse of women is still widely practised around the world and that is also wrong. Bullying in school is just as wrong and the increasing trend in child abuse is most definitely wrong. It is useful to understand why legislators currently want to address corporal punishment, especially given the extent of child abuse in our society.

However, whilst I deplore child abuse of any form, I must balance the debate with an equally relevant observation, namely that, “The neglect of loving discipline is also abusive”. Universally, parents are already tending to opt out on what is probably our defining role in life, so once the law takes its course there could be universal abdication of discipline in the home? I would be a very worried child if that were the case.

Consider that discipline could steer your children away from drugs, crime, aids, social problems, struggling careers, poor sportsmanship, low self-esteem, disregard for social order … I would rather take steps to avoid that, regardless of what people say.

Society seems so inclined to over-correct. We readily throw the baby out with the bathwater (which I believe is not very good for babies). We need to find a balance in the current debate. Denying the rights of a parent, to parent, surrenders the next generation to the discipline of gangs, bullies and hoodlums. No one will be able to legislate against that, but it is the next logical step in our regression to anarchy.

I came across the following list of reasons for not spanking:

Hitting, models hitting – I agree, that’s why we speak of loving discipline rather than hitting as such. However, when a smack is appropriate, it will never model hitting, it will model responsibility.

Hitting devalues a child – I was subject to what may be described as abuse and even that did not devalue me. However, loving discipline entrenches self-respect and dignity in a child.
Hitting devalues the parent – On the contrary, it restores respect to parents and provides boundaries. Reneging on discipline devalues parents, because everyone else has to live with the consequences.
Hitting does not improve behaviour – I don’t want to improve bad behaviour, I want to stop it. Smacking, used wisely and selectively can stop a whole lot of things, including the symptoms of insecurity.

Spanking is unbiblical – that may be true for some people, but not for the bible most widely used in our culture. Accordingly, I have ignored the rest of the list as well.

Someone once said, “Let a pig and a boy have their own way and you’ll have a good pig and a bad boy” – you will also have a happy pig and a sad boy. Don’t ever underestimate the unique capacity parents have been given to bring discipline to their homes and the significant difference it will make to the children entrusted to our care. Dare to discipline.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Those boots were made for walking

When my firstborn was about two, he adored his little blue gum-boots and could go nowhere without them. One day his mom kissed him goodbye as she dropped him off at creche. She said to Tim, "Jesus is in your heart", to which he replied, "and in my boots".

A few years later he and his little brother were jumping up and down in the backseat of the car, when he said "let's drive each other nuts". Nancy Sinatra's shoes may have been made for walking, but when a person allows God's spirit to fill their shoes, give them direction and lead them into adventure, not only does it rub off on others, it also drives Satan crazy.

We need Jesus in our hearts, but unless our lives acquire a living purpose in Him, we are no more than an ark without water: destined to go nowhere, with a faith that is irrelevant, untested and unable to rise to the challenges of life.

In the formative years of their lives, our children walk closer to us, looking to us for direction, purpose and instruction. Consequently we build little fences around them, to define their limited boundaries and to protect them from childhood perils. As they grow, we slowly push out the boundaries until eventually they are removed completely. By then, it is hoped that sound fences have emerged within their hearts and that they have developed an internal compass that can guide them to right decisions and a sense of purpose.

It is not our role to build our children towards us and to so rule their lives that they become dependents. It is our function to build away from us and to develop them into independent, self-assured people, who can leave the home and walk into the world with their heads held high.

They are not ours and never will be. They came from God and must return to Him. I have always believed that they were entrusted to me and as such I have stewarded their precious lives in a way that would enable me to account to God for them. I must hand them back and surrender them to God's purpose for their lives otherwise I will frustrate them and rob them of human worth and dignity. As such, every lesson, every moment of learning relates not to the offence as much as it does to the principle behind the offence.

The law kills and when we instruct or discipline around the offence, as such, we impose the law and kill the spirit. However, when we focus on the spirit of the law, the principle behind the offence, we add life.

If a child is penalized for running along a corridor, his response will be one of fear, defiance or avoidance - none of which are fruits of the Spirit. When a child learns that younger children could be hurt and he could slip if he runs along a corridor (assuming that the ruling is not in itself petty and irrelevant to a young, energetic child), the child will display traits of consideration, self control and peace - fruits of the Spirit.

Jesus is in their little boots. The call of God is on each precious life. They have a divine potential for good. Our role is to steer them away from what is bad and to instill an aspiration for that which is noble and of good report. I have witnessed far too many liberal schools and their capacity to breed social misfits, but I have also witnessed conservative schools that all too often punish for petty offences and thereby provoke frustration and resentment. I firmly believe in discipline, but when a boy behaves like a boy I get excited, for in our effeminate, emasculated world, far too many men grow up repressed and domesticated, with no will to rise up and be men or leaders within their culture. Girls respond to restraint far more readily than boys do, because they are wired differently. It is rarely naughtiness that leads to boys burning things or climbing on the roof, rather it is the spirit of manhood calling them to wild adventure and a purpose in God.

When Tim was about twelve, he unintentionally set fire to a compost heap in our back yard. It was a raging fire that had neighbors hosing it down from across the wall. When they asked what was happening, I merely replied, "I have sons": they fully understood what that meant.

Afterwards, I had a choice to lay into my already distressed and regretful son and thereby forego a teachable moment or to use the moment wisely. I chose to sit him down and talk about fire, about how, since the dawn of time, men carried fire. They carried it into their villages and caves and harnessed it for the protection of their families, for warmth and for light. Later they acquired the use of guns, a variant of primitive fire. It was defining of a man to handle the danger and fury of fire with responsibility and restraint. The intention was to add value to the village, not to burn it down. I have since been hunting with Tim and could share with him that guns are very dangerous things, to be used responsibly, to protect and defend, never to cause harm.

I then spoke of the fires of our lives, fires that we must manage to define our lives. Our sexual fire is intense, yet when a man chooses to restrain himself and not spill his fire, but to channel it into meaningful, responsible living, he will emerge as a man indeed. Similarly, the fire of purpose and passion, if used for reckless living, defines a man as a fool, but a focused life is like an arrow that flies straight to its target and sets men apart from boys. Now God too gives us His fire, the zeal of God which comes as the fire of His spirit, a flame that burns in the heart and lights up young eyes. That fire must also be channeled, so that children find their purpose and step up to the plate to assume a meaningful place in the course of life.

Life affords us no greater responsibility or privilege than to raise the next generation, so invest purpose and dignity into their lives and equip them to walk, nay to run through life with such purpose that when at last they stumble into the ground, they go down panting and with a victorious smile on their faces.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com