About men: They need to be heroes ... but who needs another hero?

Ever since my boys were small, there was a budding hero in their hearts. They took to guns and weapons of mass distraction, faster than I can write these words. They were up drainpipes, launching themselves down flights of stairs onto precarious mattresses or walking along the edge of nothingness or exploding stufft that the CIA might find less than amusing, before they even had teeth - thank you Lord that their teeth came later and that they each have a spare set, for they really need it.

To this day they both dream of changing the world and ridding it of all the baddies out there. Both had far more effective solutions for Iraq, Iran, Zimbabwe and other trouble spots of this earth, than the trillions of dollars the US spent in coming to a non-resolution.

About wives: and mothers (mother's day post)

I am wary of sentimentalism and the commercialisation of our deepest values, but for my own reasons I will honor all mothers - my own mom and the mother of my sons in particular. She is the greatest human model of the unseen hands of compassion that sustain this world. There is a very kingly side to God - authoritative, no nonsense, clear cut, powerful. On more than one occasion that side of God has had to be restrained through intercession, else He would have wiped out His people or destroyed the earth.

But there is another side to Him, reflected by women, particularly by mothers. It sees the hand of judgement and discipline rise, then rushes in to restrain that hand, pulling it back and restoring perspective. For our God, fearsome as He is, a great consuming fire, is also slow to wrath and quick to show mercy. His love endures to countless generations, His mercies are ever sure.

About wives: I need love, affection, intimacy

Affection is one of greatest needs of wives, from their husbands: it defines the whole relationship.

Paul said in Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives”. In the same context he also said wives submit to your husbands. I know that is controversial and I really don’t need to go there right now, except to say this: there are reciprocal needs in a relationship. To make the fulfillment of one reasonable, other needs must also be addressed.

I think the world has become “win: win” in its thinking: it is selfish and only acts in response to what it gets. But Godly love is about trust, a trust that says I love fully without expectation of recompense.

When love is betrayed, count that as a violation of trust and deal with it appropriately. I don’t only refer to infidelity, but to any breech of trust between partners. I do not advocate a managed relationship, where each party jealously watches the other – that is not trust and it will also lead to frustration and a sense of being trapped. Trust is trust, the currency of love.

Never give up

Lifelong intimacy defines the sexuality of its partners and the partnership that we call marriage.
A man known for his prowess was asked how he would define great sexuality. His answer was, “A man who enjoys a lifelong intimacy with one woman and a woman who is satisfied to reciprocate over that same lifetime.”

The world we live in is so transient, so dispensable. In the US it is quite commonplace for people to buy new electronic equipment instead of repairing what is broken, because the cost of repairing is prohibitive. That suggests that the cost of maintenance or sustainability is no longer viable. The cost of preserving the world and fixing what breaks is less relevant than the value of pumping out new products that further diminish the life expectancy of the planet.

In many first world countries sell-by food that would feed the teeming millions dying all over the planet is deliberately trashed to avoid any litigation that might arise out of the consumption of such food by charities. Wow, so we are happy to waste away and do nothing to reinvest in the world that has provided us with so much. Indeed, George Bush reneged on environmental protocols because he felt that progress was more important to his constituencies than preservation is to the future of our children.

Thus we live our lives every day, happy with new things until the novelty wears off. Then we dispose or trade in the old for something newer, because we are victims of pervasive advertising. So we will have nice little novelties that gurgle and smile whilst they are infants and then reject them when the real cost of maintaining children starts to impact on our selfish little lives. Or we proudly walk the aisle and make promises, for the sake of tradition, with every intention of making a marriage last until the novelty wears off and a newer model becomes available.

There is no fulfillment in any of that. It is a great delusion. People abandon great causes for almost nothing, trading their birthrights for measly morsels.

Hey, I am no theorist. I cannot share my own pains in deference to others I care for, but take it from me that I have paid a big price to stay married. But in doing so I have found a deepening affection and trust for someone that will eventually have to share her love for me in very basic and practical ways, in between shifts of baby sitting for the legacy we hope to leave in the earth. We have scars and wounds aplenty, but shared memories that are so worth preserving.

Marriage is not for sissies. It probably does more to define a real man and a real woman than any other activity known to humans. It is the stuff of everyday heroism and real character. To they that overcome will be given surpassing rewards and a level of intimacy that will become more fulfilling with each passing year.

As Winston Churchill once said, “Never give up. Never, never, never give up.” He only fought a world war, but when we fight for our marriages, our fight has eternal implications.

© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

It just keeps getting better

Intimacy is evidently best amongst married and committed couples and can get even better with time.
An aged couple were sitting around the breakfast table, when she looked at the old guy reading the paper in front of her and said: “Arthur”. “Uh-huh”, came the typical reply. But she persisted enough for him to lower his paper and remove his spectacles: “Yes dear, what is it?”

“Arthur, do you remember how we once sat around a breakfast table like this and took off all our clothes, giggling like naughty school kids?” “Yes, I remember it. The next year our firstborn arrived, how could I ever forget such exciting times”. They laughed and sighed at the memories.

“Arthur”, she continued, just as a he started to replace his spectacles, “wouldn’t you like to relive that moment?”

Somewhat abashed, the old man just answered her question with his own more awkward questions. “Arthur, my breasts are so hot for you dear”, she crooned. “Well maybe, Mavis, it’s because one is almost in your porridge and the other is in the toast.”

I used to do Family Life conferences and once read in our material, that conservative Baptist women were reporting a better sex life than many contemporary younger people. I can imagine what was going on in their minds as they eyed their husbands swaying to church music in an otherwise serious Sunday service.

I don’t wish to be crude in all this, merely to provoke married couples to work towards real intimacy, whilst provoking unmarried people to hold out for the wonder of marriage. Marriage provides a safe context of mutual trust that enables couples to enjoy a depth, intensity and honesty that is rarely possible in extramarital love. Oh sure, sex with a relative stranger is probably wildly exciting, I am guy enough to understand that. But intimacy (not exclusively sex) with a lifetime partner is beyond comparison.

It is an experience that also provides a good thermostat for testing how the relationship is doing. If there is a cooling off, a real relationship is in a far better place to make appropriate corrections to daily schedules, work pressures, priorities, time-out and health issues. So an intimate, life-time relationship is also key to a longer, more fulfilled life and statistics indicate that ultimately such couples are also wealthier and more effective.

One profound by-product of an intimate marriage is less selfish, more confident and better balanced children. So in addition to all the other benefits you even get a low maintenance home. Wow!!

Don’t we all want these things? Then why do we settle for less?

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com