Monday

About men: they have greater needs for identity

One of the greatest needs of men is directly linked to one of their greatest vulnerabilities: the toughest of men are all susceptible to their egos. As such a little woman can stand up to a big man and tear him down with words or rejections.

The Scots have the most unshakable accent in the world. I have met Scots that are more than 50 years removed from their homeland, but whose accents are as stubborn as ever. I once heard of a woman who applied for a job. A condition of employment was to lose the accent, which she did, thereby proving that it is possible to shake, even if it is undesirable to do so. That stubbornness is because their cultural identities (kilts, bagpipes, traditions, symbols, food) are so strong and vivid, which firmly anchors the Scots to their roots.

The same may be said of woman. They have very clear distinctions that emerge in puberty and stay with them throughout life. They happily live through the more onerous rituals of womanhood, because that is what makes a woman, a woman. It also enables women to identify with each other, thereby reinforcing their identities. As a result they network readily - to cope with and interpret life. They are also naturally intriguing to men, a mystique that enhances their identity and lifts them to the pinnacle of creation. Men on the other are so sensitive to rivalries and perceptions that tehy resolve all tehir crises in their own private caves.  

The identity of men is far more ambiguous. Generally men are more powerful, practical and physical than women. However, they are prone to stereotyping because of our tendency to resist the maturity and finesse of woman. Oh we may well become domesticated, albeit reluctantly, but the instinct of most men is to be free-spirited, independent and as close to mud as possible. We are playful and reckless throughout life.

Otherwise, the defining characteristics of men are far wider than for woman. We have fewer physical identifiers and far broader character distinctions. Women are generally feminine, but masculinity in men is an ambiguous concept. To some it is brawn (often without brains), to others it is responsibility, whilst others again are identified by their athleticism, looks, intellect, creativity or sociability … the list is rather long.

Men also defer to women. The world has an emasculating, domesticating influence on us. Schools are generally dominated by women and early academic advantages accrue to girls – even when a boy does excel he is labeled as a nerd. The dating game demands further refinement, just as it does in the courtship rituals of nature, where the female of the species validates a male and men are required to fluff feathers, flare chests and do whatever it takes to make an impression. Woman generally just have to be what they are. That is not to say, for one moment, that women have a lesser value in life. They are making vital contributions and bringing unique perspectives to work, which is why Solomon acknowledged the industrious wife.

Once married, a man is subject to further refinement and domestication, as the burdens of responsibility and social awareness are imposed on us.

So, it is no wonder that a man’s ego is so vulnerable, yet many foolish women have misused that to crush men. I say “foolish”, because the biggest losers in that game are always women. I will explore that in the next blog, but for now, let me conclude by saying that the need for identity is one of the greatest needs of men. Sure woman also need approval and love, but men will crumble if their identities fail – take away a man’s job, his family, his strength or his status and you will quickly see what I mean.  

(c) Peter Eleazar @ www.4u2live.net

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