About wives: She needs good communication

As a communicator, she needs to talk, share, hear, but she also wants to be heard and understood..

She feels a fight is being resolved if they are still talking, he feels it is over when they stop talking. She will raise her hand and ask for help, he will find a cave somewhere and try to work it all out. She will get directions when lost but he will ride around, past filling stations and other sources of help, until he finds the place. She will know where the turnoff is even when she is not looking, but he will ride on by.

Now don’t get me wrong: I am a guy and fiercely loyal to guy-dom. My sons and I love all that makes us men, because we really just know how to have good old dirty fun and can find it in all kinds of cool things: explosives, fire, fishing, hiking, pranks …

I will do another series to help women relate to their men, because it is such a great need, but for now let’s just stick to the issues of men relating to their wives.

A woman is a communication-holic. Most women cannot survive without a network of friends, family and telephones to keep them connected to life. The modern workplace needs to adapt to that reality and encourage networking if they want to get the best out of their women employees.

Women solve things by talking, men solve things through reflection and contemplation, which is why Rodin’s Thinker is portrayed as a man. Look at the photos of famous statesmen and invariably the best shots are of men standing alone in deep thought. It is not wrong and many great leaders have wrestled with immense decisions by walking the lonely road reserved for great leaders.

But a woman is rarely able to function without opening up the discussion and incorporating many views. I do not think that makes women superior in the workplace, but it does bring a vital balance to the workplace, because women are biased towards a more consultative leadership style that can be very useful in some, but not all situations.

But if a husband forgets that she is a communicator he will stifle, frustrate and isolate her. Regardless of how they handle the rest of life, men need to realize that she cannot function without communication.

Here is a tip for younger men. Would you like to win a good life partner, well just learn to be a good listener and be interesting enough in conversation for women to feel okay with themselves and intrigued by you. Your looks will fade anyway and they never compare with her looks, so she closes her eyes to your lesser virtues, puts up her antennae and looks for signs of companionship, warmth, openness, humor, intelligence and so on. Her first impressions may be of a hunk, but it is the lasting impressions that really matter.

I can think of few things that have frustrated my wife more than her coming home to find me working when she has so much to share about her day. I learnt long ago to chase away the boys, pour a glass of wine for her and sit in the kitchen whilst she cooks, to chat, listen and share about the day. It can take as little as fifteen minutes for her to offload and feel connected, but often we will resume our discussions after supper or when we retire to bed.

She feels appreciated and fulfilled when she can open up, be heard and feel an empathetic response from me. Its like filling her tank. The male bladder has about 200 times the capacity of a woman’s – hers needs to be emptied often. That is a good analogy of her heart, which also needs to be topped up regularly.

A woman obviously doesn’t just communicate at one level, for she is multi-dimensional and complex. So she needs dinner and a show. You can’t just talk without showing. I remarked in a previous article how Eliza Dolittle said, “Don’t talk of love, show me”. Well maybe she wasn’t being totally fair to her gender, for most woman feel that talking is showing because it displays interest and concern. However, if communication is limited to a cranial level it will frustrate. She needs communication to connect with her wholeness. Touch is vital to her and so are gestures of love, like flowers or chocolates.

Men often speak of the complexity of women and I will at least agree that they are fascinating and mysterious, enough to keep us amused for a lifetime. I think that a woman provides us with some insight into the mysterious side of God’s character, for although a lot of His heart is revealed through factual words and laws or principles (manly responses), there is a side to Him that will always enthrall us and keep us searching for more – it will still be so billions of years from now.

However, I also believe that woman have an incredible simplicity, which is somewhat reflected in God as well. The Holy Grail, the sweet-spot of God, is not in garish religion or shiny religious artifacts – I want to retch at some of the things we have done to memorialize God when all He ever wanted was to be remembered in a simple traveling supper, a fellowship meal of such timeless finesse.

Listen men, beyond the apparent complexity of God and of women is an incredible simplicity – what she wants is what God wants – a relationship founded on love. Paul said, “When I was a child I handled childish things (contextually he is referring to the basics of our Christian ways and he potentially even casts things like faith and hope onto the same heap of “relatively” childish pastimes), but when I became a man (learnt about love and its value to my relationship with God), I put away childish things.”

I have found that simple love and acceptance actually brings acceptance, for it somehow anaesthetizes the nerves that link Paula’s eyes and ears to her heart. She is far less able to see my faults or criticize when she feels loved and accepted. I actually think a woman is quite simple, but veiled in mystery. We just need to work through the mystique to find the simplicity that lies beyond and in finding that both she and he will find mutual fulfillment and lingering contentment.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
Image source: http://reviveyourlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-water-291x300.jpg