Another recurring cry of wives, is for acceptance. Its urgency sets off alarm bells in our culture.
I find this particular need to be so high on the list of priorities that it sets off alarm bells.
I know there was a time when I was judgmental and intolerant, partly because of upbringing and partly because of my theological background. But having had two very normal boys has helped me to become more realistic. The boys may have some advantages, but they are still quite normal in their responses to the world around them. Without exposing their souls, let me simply say that many of their own personal struggles could have become major issues, if it were not for a value that our family has adopted, namely: to minimize issues and accept them as they are.
If I were to major on every issue, I would oppress my children. I do have certain no-fly zones, such as respect for authority, particularly parents and teachers (non-negotiable), personal discipline (clean nails, proper grooming and tidy bedrooms) and a few other things. But there are a zillion other things that I take to be normal and allow, choosing rather to nudge and guide the boys or teach about the consequence of their actions.
Now, if I am willing to do that for them, why not for my wife. Like me, she is not perfect. There I have said it, she is not perfect. I have more faults, but she has enough to write a book about. Even my boys sometimes complain about things she does, just as they are inclined to complain to her about me. When Danny was three he came to his mother and said, “Mom why did you marry that man?”
I do not believe God ever expected parents to be ideals or perfect models, because it is their humanity that provides such relevant instruction for their fertile souls. I put it to you that Jesus had an inadequate father, who never showed approval for what was happening in Jesus’ life. Was God crazy, did he get it wrong that such a special boy should be cast into such an inadequate home? Hey, regardless of catholic sentimentality, Mary was also far from perfect and really quite an ordinary woman in a less than perfect culture. Did that matter to God? Absolutely not. A relevant upbringing was vital to equipping Jesus as a practical, compassionate, understanding and relevant shepherd.
I heard a great preacher speak from his heart about tolerance within the context of family love. He chose a different path to his austere father, but he nonetheless chose a noble path. He preferred a different spiritual expression in a lively, dynamic church, but his dad wrote him off and was convinced his son was hell-bound, because he opted out of the teachings and structures that were more familiar to him. It took a lifetime for the two men to finally accept each other and heal such needless wounds.
If the dad had accepted their differences as part of our diversity and uniqueness, their relationship would have soared. But we are no better than him and we all live with some form of intolerance.
Denominations judge each other, church leaders impose norms of performance and acceptance and stifle their flocks, parents judge their children, husbands judge their wives and children see their parents through their own cultural lenses. It goes further: blacks hate whites, whites condescend to blacks, men marginalize women, women emasculate men. How can we live peaceably with each other under such conditions?
I read of a woman who forever criticized her husband. It so affected their relationship that he found himself fulfilling her worst expectations: a kind of pygmalion effect, the kind that predefined Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady. Basically he was so insecure that it made him clumsy and more prone to mistakes. A marriage was headed for the scrapheap until one day she decided that she had no right to fault her husband, for he deserved to be accepted in his own home. When she stopped trying to change him, he regained enough self-assurance to change himself and they drew closer to each other. Their marriage was healed by the application of a godly principle by an “ungodly” women.
So husbands, as much as you want that same acceptance, understand that, generally speaking, men can find acceptance and identity outside of the home, in their jobs, golf scores or other competencies. Woman (yes even successful ones), draw their identity from their families, their husbands and their homes. If she does not find acceptance at home she will be at odds with herself out there in the world.
Look at Bill and Hilary Clinton as an example and see how supportive he is towards his wife. He appreciates her and provides such seasoned, sound advice and wisdom to Hilary, whilst being her number one fan. Do you think she glows because of her public acceptance or because she has an admiring, loving and supportive husband? You be the judge.
Jack Nicklaus, one of the greatest golfers of all times spoke of the peace of mind and contentment that characterized his game and he attributed that to a loving wife. He could focus on his game because he knew that she was covering his back, looking after things that would otherwise distract him. That speaks of a mature relationship based on unselfish acceptance and it enable her to become the biggest beneficiary of her husbands’ success, whilst secretly being the wind beneath his wings and his private place of refuge from a harsh, competitive world.
Regardless of how you look at life, acceptance is a fundamental, basic need and a right within every marriage. Sure you have a right to challenge some things, because the alternative is to be repressed and unhappy with things that are really distracting, but you have no right to deal with those issues unless your point of departure is acceptance.
This is probably a key reason why marriages fail and indeed it sets up one of the greatest vulnerabilities to extra-marital relationships, namely a deep cry for self-esteem that often falls prey to flattery and the wiles of sexual predators.
People who are intolerant and harsh towards each other, don’t realizing that criticism actually reflects more against them than against the object of their criticism, for it reveals a shallow, immature and insecure character that has no capacity for magnanimity. Only confident people can be generous and accepting of others, so if you aren’t, start looking into your own heart for I bet that a lot of the problems in your relationship start with you.
© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
Image: Acceptance, by Elizabeth Silk, American Fine Art
I find this particular need to be so high on the list of priorities that it sets off alarm bells.
I know there was a time when I was judgmental and intolerant, partly because of upbringing and partly because of my theological background. But having had two very normal boys has helped me to become more realistic. The boys may have some advantages, but they are still quite normal in their responses to the world around them. Without exposing their souls, let me simply say that many of their own personal struggles could have become major issues, if it were not for a value that our family has adopted, namely: to minimize issues and accept them as they are.If I were to major on every issue, I would oppress my children. I do have certain no-fly zones, such as respect for authority, particularly parents and teachers (non-negotiable), personal discipline (clean nails, proper grooming and tidy bedrooms) and a few other things. But there are a zillion other things that I take to be normal and allow, choosing rather to nudge and guide the boys or teach about the consequence of their actions.
Now, if I am willing to do that for them, why not for my wife. Like me, she is not perfect. There I have said it, she is not perfect. I have more faults, but she has enough to write a book about. Even my boys sometimes complain about things she does, just as they are inclined to complain to her about me. When Danny was three he came to his mother and said, “Mom why did you marry that man?”
I do not believe God ever expected parents to be ideals or perfect models, because it is their humanity that provides such relevant instruction for their fertile souls. I put it to you that Jesus had an inadequate father, who never showed approval for what was happening in Jesus’ life. Was God crazy, did he get it wrong that such a special boy should be cast into such an inadequate home? Hey, regardless of catholic sentimentality, Mary was also far from perfect and really quite an ordinary woman in a less than perfect culture. Did that matter to God? Absolutely not. A relevant upbringing was vital to equipping Jesus as a practical, compassionate, understanding and relevant shepherd.
I heard a great preacher speak from his heart about tolerance within the context of family love. He chose a different path to his austere father, but he nonetheless chose a noble path. He preferred a different spiritual expression in a lively, dynamic church, but his dad wrote him off and was convinced his son was hell-bound, because he opted out of the teachings and structures that were more familiar to him. It took a lifetime for the two men to finally accept each other and heal such needless wounds.
If the dad had accepted their differences as part of our diversity and uniqueness, their relationship would have soared. But we are no better than him and we all live with some form of intolerance.
Denominations judge each other, church leaders impose norms of performance and acceptance and stifle their flocks, parents judge their children, husbands judge their wives and children see their parents through their own cultural lenses. It goes further: blacks hate whites, whites condescend to blacks, men marginalize women, women emasculate men. How can we live peaceably with each other under such conditions?
I read of a woman who forever criticized her husband. It so affected their relationship that he found himself fulfilling her worst expectations: a kind of pygmalion effect, the kind that predefined Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady. Basically he was so insecure that it made him clumsy and more prone to mistakes. A marriage was headed for the scrapheap until one day she decided that she had no right to fault her husband, for he deserved to be accepted in his own home. When she stopped trying to change him, he regained enough self-assurance to change himself and they drew closer to each other. Their marriage was healed by the application of a godly principle by an “ungodly” women.
So husbands, as much as you want that same acceptance, understand that, generally speaking, men can find acceptance and identity outside of the home, in their jobs, golf scores or other competencies. Woman (yes even successful ones), draw their identity from their families, their husbands and their homes. If she does not find acceptance at home she will be at odds with herself out there in the world.
Look at Bill and Hilary Clinton as an example and see how supportive he is towards his wife. He appreciates her and provides such seasoned, sound advice and wisdom to Hilary, whilst being her number one fan. Do you think she glows because of her public acceptance or because she has an admiring, loving and supportive husband? You be the judge.
Jack Nicklaus, one of the greatest golfers of all times spoke of the peace of mind and contentment that characterized his game and he attributed that to a loving wife. He could focus on his game because he knew that she was covering his back, looking after things that would otherwise distract him. That speaks of a mature relationship based on unselfish acceptance and it enable her to become the biggest beneficiary of her husbands’ success, whilst secretly being the wind beneath his wings and his private place of refuge from a harsh, competitive world.
Regardless of how you look at life, acceptance is a fundamental, basic need and a right within every marriage. Sure you have a right to challenge some things, because the alternative is to be repressed and unhappy with things that are really distracting, but you have no right to deal with those issues unless your point of departure is acceptance.
This is probably a key reason why marriages fail and indeed it sets up one of the greatest vulnerabilities to extra-marital relationships, namely a deep cry for self-esteem that often falls prey to flattery and the wiles of sexual predators.
People who are intolerant and harsh towards each other, don’t realizing that criticism actually reflects more against them than against the object of their criticism, for it reveals a shallow, immature and insecure character that has no capacity for magnanimity. Only confident people can be generous and accepting of others, so if you aren’t, start looking into your own heart for I bet that a lot of the problems in your relationship start with you.
© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
Image: Acceptance, by Elizabeth Silk, American Fine Art
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