About men: They have to do something, but also need a burning bush experience

It is generally not easy for a man to simply do nothing. When they are still boys, even doing the wrong things beats doing nothing and as a result they are often in trouble. Look I know there are exceptions to every generalisation, but most guys I know, myself included, feel very uncomfortable with inaction.

If you wnat to see what I mean, watch what happens to men when they are out of work. Some climb the wall, some go right over the wall, others just slump against the wall in misery and a few, like Winston Churchill express their pain by building a new wall. Its a very tough thing for a guy, because rightly or wrongly he is conditioned by life to be a provider. It is tough to let go of that and look to God as our provider - most men will really battle to make that transition, even very spiritual men.

About men: They need to be heroes ... but who needs another hero?

Ever since my boys were small, there was a budding hero in their hearts. They took to guns and weapons of mass distraction, faster than I can write these words. They were up drainpipes, launching themselves down flights of stairs onto precarious mattresses or walking along the edge of nothingness or exploding stufft that the CIA might find less than amusing, before they even had teeth - thank you Lord that their teeth came later and that they each have a spare set, for they really need it.

To this day they both dream of changing the world and ridding it of all the baddies out there. Both had far more effective solutions for Iraq, Iran, Zimbabwe and other trouble spots of this earth, than the trillions of dollars the US spent in coming to a non-resolution.

About men: one of their greatest needs is to be needed

Decades ago, African men were defined by their prowess. They would carry spear and shields, chant war songs and go off to do battle, if not with their enemy, then with the antelope that frequented their grassy plains. After a hard day’s work the women would cook the food and wait on their warriors. But as the sun retreated below the tall stands of savanna and the thorn trees that stood sentry along the shadowed escarpments, the men would sit around their fires, drinking beer and sharing stories, the light in their eyes enflamed by the legends of bygone eras.

Sadly the world no longer needs their strength. They still stand in huddled groups around brazen fires, where flickering street lights enflame their empty eyes, as they shelter from the emptiness beyond … until the grey shafts of morn restore life to the cold, stone flagstones.

About men: they are caught in a conflict of expectations, that point back to God

My family has been through a long season of struggle. After a series of life-class setbacks, the final blow came with the failure of a business and my inability to get reemployed. That resulted in the loss of our life savings and many other deep struggles. Well, such is life. God has been faithful anyway and He has always provided our daily bread. He has also used our experience to shape us to His will and to equip us for whatever lies ahead.

Yesterday my wife had an honest moment with me. Now that we are at the bottom of the barrel she questioned whether I was doing enough to address the crisis. The fact that I have faced countless disappointments, is besides the point, but as she expressed disappointment in me for failing to meet her needs, I in turn said, “I feel the same about God”.

About men: they have greater needs for identity

One of the greatest needs of men is directly linked to one of their greatest vulnerabilities: the toughest of men are all susceptible to their egos. As such a little woman can stand up to a big man and tear him down with words or rejections.

The Scots have the most unshakable accent in the world. I have met Scots that are more than 50 years removed from their homeland, but whose accents are as stubborn as ever. I once heard of a woman who applied for a job. A condition of employment was to lose the accent, which she did, thereby proving that it is possible to shake, even if it is undesirable to do so. That stubbornness is because their cultural identities (kilts, bagpipes, traditions, symbols, food) are so strong and vivid, which firmly anchors the Scots to their roots.

About men: Biblical manhood

I have often heard leaders defend a masculine model of manhood, arguing that a man must be sweaty and brawny. Why do we need to tidy up incongruencies by putting people into stereotypical boxes and why do we insist on selecting leaders based on impressions whilst God looks on the unseen heart?

The fact is that like so like so many others, I am not that good at sport, nor am I brawny. My center of gravity is more in my heart and mind. I am a thinker and, like David, very reflective – a writer of poetry and books. I have also paid many prices for standing my ground on issues of consequence. Many other men who would pass the brawn and sweat test, still fail where it most counts – in their responsibilities to life and family.

About men series: What is the value of a man?

The blood, sweat and toils of brave men laid the foundations of human development, but the world we live in seems intent on rendering men redundant. They have contributed so much to history and the modern world owes them such a debt of gratitude, yet the same world seems to have fotgotten all that went before. It seems that society has lost its sense of the value of a man. Is it just my perception? What do you think?

In times before time, men fought wild beasts and rival tribes to preserve the gene-pool that became the stepping off point for modern civilization. They also crafted primitive tools and then developed those into ever more sophisticated instruments that became the key building-blocks of human advancement. Later they applied their sweat, power and specialist skills to tame the accursed soil and extract its abundant riches.

Through the middle ages, masons devoted their brief life-times to the building of churches, castles, battlements and villages, many of which still stand to this day thanks to profound craftsmanship, unstinting commitment and a willingness to defend their heritage to the last man. From the dawn of the industrial age, men hunked heavy objects and drove dangerous machines in appalling conditions, to provide the new world with its vital infrastructure. Then through the 20th century tens of millions of young men laid down their lives to protect the free world from dark, oppressive forces. Thanks to them the modern world is not led by mad-men, but by reasonable people who have preserved the order that others fought so hard to establish.

About wives: Men please be men

The third need of a wife is for her man to fulfil his role, whilst complementing hers.

In all armies, role differentiation is very clear. Infantry members do not cook, but they would be useless if the cooks did not cook. Likewise tank drivers are not medics, but they are grateful that medics command their specialization, for that has saved many lives. It’s no less useful if minesweepers decide that they might be good pilots, or if fighter pilots try to do bridge-building. A good army requires mustering. If each person does what they are trained for, the team works well and is effective in executing its overall responsibility.

What's happening to me

Changes that happen in adolescents are wondrous, powerful and scary. Stay close and support them..

When my firstborn crossed the invisible line of childhood, shut that door and passed into manhood, we honored the moment. Over the ensuing year he was farmed out to other significant men in my culture for mentorship and preparation. Then the day came and we had a party to which only adults were invited – to avoid embarrassment and because of the poignancy of the moment.

Tim was baptized that day, then we had a sumptuous meal in his honor. Afterwards the guests shared insights and scriptures with him, providing inclusion and a sense of belonging for Tim. Later I gave him a basic wooden box, in which was written “we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the glory may be of God and not ourselves.” In the box was a broken wineglass, symbolizing the fragility of life and how difficult it is to repair what we break. A burnt scroll alluded to an earlier lesson about fire – it contained words of inspiration and acceptance that were witnessed by each person present. A compass symbolized direction, a penknife symbolized resourcefulness. All of these gifts were given so that in the years to come Tim will be able to reflect on the most significant moment of his life and draw inspiration.

When we were done, Tim delivered an acceptance speech and then Paula, Dan and I held him close, something he was uncomfortable about. But this was followed by a symbolic pushing away and entrusting of his life to other men. I said, “having held you so close, we now let you go for these are now your brothers, fathers (and mothers and sisters)’, just as Jesus once said.

I made the point that although the passage to manhood bridged an invisible line, the differences either side of the line were as significant as the differences for people living either side of a national border. Things may look the same, but rights, responsibilities, entitlements, status and identity are compellingly different.

Now, some months later that reality has hit home and Tim has felt the mantle of manhood settle on his shoulders. He is facing all the challenges that go with it; peer pressure, sexual pressure, performance pressure, responsibility, self-management and so much more.

I refuse to call him a teenager and his new school addresses him as a gentleman. Whoever invented the stereotypes of teenagerdom had a dim view of the potential and dignity of this awesome season in a young person’s life.

Now, as Tim confronts his struggles he is reminded that on the day we honored him, we also broke the rod of authority in half and cast that it into his memory box. Now is not a time for instruction, but rather a time for coaching and support. Young people have enormous potential and just need counsel, prayer, a ready ear and an empathetic heart (to every subject they raise), in order to cope with the challenges facing them.

If you love your children, go and do likewise.

© Peter Eleazar at http://www.bethelstone.com/