About men: one of their greatest needs is to be needed

Decades ago, African men were defined by their prowess. They would carry spear and shields, chant war songs and go off to do battle, if not with their enemy, then with the antelope that frequented their grassy plains. After a hard day’s work the women would cook the food and wait on their warriors. But as the sun retreated below the tall stands of savanna and the thorn trees that stood sentry along the shadowed escarpments, the men would sit around their fires, drinking beer and sharing stories, the light in their eyes enflamed by the legends of bygone eras.

Sadly the world no longer needs their strength. They still stand in huddled groups around brazen fires, where flickering street lights enflame their empty eyes, as they shelter from the emptiness beyond … until the grey shafts of morn restore life to the cold, stone flagstones.

The bottom line

The most important thing for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

The most important ingredient for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

In the army I once got too familiar with a senior officer. He had been friendly earlier so it seemed reasonable to joke a bit with him. He quickly put me in my place, because I was embarrassing him in front of others and I was taking liberties.

There is an instinct within all of us to test the boundaries of relationships. It looks for weaknesses and tries to exploit them, partly out of a need to define oneself. The most persistent battlefield though is in the family, where parents need to maintain a certain tension in the home to keep it together.

During my time in the army we had some mean leaders. They would haul us out of bed at 2 am to evaluate the capacity of our bladders or chase us off into the hills to find a leaf and then send us back for the other leaf.

We have also all had bosses like that. They would be gruff and unreasonable and strict. I even had it at school, where we used to have caning-relays, going round the class to each collect as many cuts as possible – great icebreaker on a cold day.

No permanent harm was ever done, most of us benefited, morale was high and memories were lingering. We had such war stories to relate to each other and had such fun getting almost into trouble or just out of trouble.

Although many of the discipline methods I have faced have become irrelevant in our modern world, discipline did create healthy tensions. Sloppiness, disrespect and untidiness were far from our minds. We were aware of what had to be done to survive and get through each day. There was a clear line that we would not cross, because every time we tried, something went badly wrong.

These tensions could be described as backbone, the solid foundation on which everything else is built. It ensures readiness, commitment, awareness, attention to detail, loyalty … all wonderful virtues to take into life. People who grow up outside such environments actually battle to fit in and they work against themselves – in fact the rest of the team will often censure them.

My eldest son is playing rugby. The disciplines for messing around during practices, include press-ups and running around the field. In the years to come I believe this will help adjust my son to real life. I find that ex sportsmen generally make very good employees because they have learnt: discipline, team work, how to handle pain, etc.

So when I tested my sergeant I tampered with a vital part of what makes a good army work. I was trying to undermine the healthy tension between leaders and followers. Loss of respect for leaders can cost lives in the army and it breeds low morale, disinterest, in fighting, restlessness and insecurity.

When a parent allows a child to cross that last frontier into the forbidden territory of familiarity and disrespect, it can lead seriously damage their sense of self, confidence, relational maturity and their ability to negotiate life realistically. Appropriate discipline is needed to nip such behavior in the bud.

Initially discipline starts with building clear and certain (never oppressive) fences around a child - "do this, do that, etc". With time fences must grow in their hearts, in the form of character and wisdom, the ability to discern right from wrong and make sound decisions. At that stage we must gradually remove the external fences, until the internal fences define them.

James Dobson relates how he was firmly disciplined as a young boy. It helped him to grow up with a healthy awareness of the consequences of disrespect, whilst still feeling memorably loved.

I can relate to that: one day I drove my Mom to the point where her frustration welled up and she broke a bicycle pump over my head – in my surprise I suddenly found new expressions of respect, like: “Wow, way to go Mom”.

Boundaries must never be defined by the child. Parents must set boundaries and maintain them. “When they test the lines and challenge you to react, REACT - stop it immediately”, otherwise by definition the line has been moved – and it will continue to move until it gets out of control.

Children analyze their boundaries. We are just as analytical in defying authority: we understand the official speed limit, but want to know what is the unofficial limit at which the authorities will actually take action. Or we excuse daily transgressions, allowing our own lines to drift until something goes wrong.

As Rudoph Giuliani proved in his celebrated anti-crime strategy, only a zero tolerance approach will restore the boundaries and renew social integrity. Parents also need a zero tolerance approach - never abdicate the line of authority, for in doing so you abdicate parenthood.

In the TV sitcom “8 simple rules”, Cate (a single mother) takes courageous and effective steps to restrain her teenage daughters Bridget and Kerry and her son Rory. The kids try everything to undermine her, but she never backs down and has very clear boundaries (8 simple rules) – a good, albeit humorous example for all.

Every good home needs its own simple, non-negotiable rules. Cate’s rules relate to the dating of her daughters, we need them to save our families.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Corporal discipline of children

It has is or is becoming universally illegal for parents to use corporal punishment in the home. I hate the term “corporal punishment”, because it does not reflect God’s heart, but it does introduce the points I wish to make.

God’s call is to discipline, which implies instruction, loving instruction. The acid test of good discipline is a good disciple. If discipline induces a noble change of heart and a deep internalisation of values, it is a good thing. If discipline is just about hitting, then it is hitting, not discipline.

Some day, children near you might sue their parents for smacking them. It would be a tragic day, but when it does come, don’t blame the law, blame the home. If a parent whose behaviour is devoid of loving instruction hits a child, chances are good that the child will regard the action as abuse, not as just or fair discipline. Children have an inbuilt sense of justice and will respect the disciplines imposed by fair and loving parents.

A child was smacked in a US car park. Some bystander screamed at the parents and threatened to report them to the authorities, to which the “victim” said, “Dad what’s wrong with that woman”. Where discipline is lovingly applied within a context of wise instruction, it is highly unlikely that a child would run to the authorities. Children actually value discipline, because it gives them a sense of security and if it is done with the right heart, they will see it as a loving expression of your interest in their wellbeing.

The modern trend away from corporal discipline has all kinds of roots. There was a time when abuse of slaves was allowed and then rightly prohibited. The abuse of women is still widely practised around the world and that is also wrong. Bullying in school is just as wrong and the increasing trend in child abuse is most definitely wrong. It is useful to understand why legislators currently want to address corporal punishment, especially given the extent of child abuse in our society.

However, whilst I deplore child abuse of any form, I must balance the debate with an equally relevant observation, namely that, “The neglect of loving discipline is also abusive”. Universally, parents are already tending to opt out on what is probably our defining role in life, so once the law takes its course there could be universal abdication of discipline in the home? I would be a very worried child if that were the case.

Consider that discipline could steer your children away from drugs, crime, aids, social problems, struggling careers, poor sportsmanship, low self-esteem, disregard for social order … I would rather take steps to avoid that, regardless of what people say.

Society seems so inclined to over-correct. We readily throw the baby out with the bathwater (which I believe is not very good for babies). We need to find a balance in the current debate. Denying the rights of a parent, to parent, surrenders the next generation to the discipline of gangs, bullies and hoodlums. No one will be able to legislate against that, but it is the next logical step in our regression to anarchy.

I came across the following list of reasons for not spanking:

Hitting, models hitting – I agree, that’s why we speak of loving discipline rather than hitting as such. However, when a smack is appropriate, it will never model hitting, it will model responsibility.

Hitting devalues a child – I was subject to what may be described as abuse and even that did not devalue me. However, loving discipline entrenches self-respect and dignity in a child.
Hitting devalues the parent – On the contrary, it restores respect to parents and provides boundaries. Reneging on discipline devalues parents, because everyone else has to live with the consequences.
Hitting does not improve behaviour – I don’t want to improve bad behaviour, I want to stop it. Smacking, used wisely and selectively can stop a whole lot of things, including the symptoms of insecurity.

Spanking is unbiblical – that may be true for some people, but not for the bible most widely used in our culture. Accordingly, I have ignored the rest of the list as well.

Someone once said, “Let a pig and a boy have their own way and you’ll have a good pig and a bad boy” – you will also have a happy pig and a sad boy. Don’t ever underestimate the unique capacity parents have been given to bring discipline to their homes and the significant difference it will make to the children entrusted to our care. Dare to discipline.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Good news

Crocodile Harris sang, “Please give me the good news.” One of the verses says:

If I accept the word “forever”
Maybe we should live together
and not be scared to watch the late night news.
You can't use guns to build a nation,
a bullet never was creation

Somewhat haunting words and they go straight to one of the greatest issues of our time, crime and violence. We all fear it, we all hate it, we all want our government to stop it and no one feels enough is being done.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani transformed New York from the world’s crime capital into a flourishing city. He imposed discipline on New York, through “zero tolerance” of all offences. One thing led to another and the crime and the grime was uprooted. This brought tourists in, tills began to ring, people prospered, everyone benefited and only criminals were worse off.

Crime and violence reflects a lack of discipline in home and society

Governments express deep concern about opportunism and ill discipline, especially within their own ranks and among the youth. Crime and corruption threatens the fabric of our society and the sustainability of democracy, which would hurt the economic and social prospects of all.

Their concerns are reflected by broader evidence of “dissing” amongst children, rampant abuse of cellphones, violence in schools and a general regression of social order – on the roads, in public offices, everywhere.

Declining discipline levels in UK schools and the misguided tolerance of bad behaviour amongst children, encourages kids to swear at teachers and threaten violence. There are some controls, but its not enough and anti-social behaviour could become a runaway phenomenon that will eventually hit the economy, foreign investment and social stability.

Not long ago some learners, in our own school, admitted that they felt a thing was only wrong when they were caught doing it. They were quite happy to disobey the rules of the school without any conscience. Thankfully they are now testing their moral theories elsewhere.

We may be a generation away from a social disaster, yet we are but one generation beyond what was once a respectful and ordered society. How quickly things have degenerated. How urgently we must act to preserve life for our children and their children. Discipline is our collective struggle..

A call to action – a reasonable response to the issues

Christians will never be free of these social issues. In fact if we over regulate it, we could repress character and undermine the moral responsibility of our children – not an objective of good education. Indeed, our job is to buidl a value system that facilitates confident self-management in children, for they are not ours - we must ultimately equip them for that moment when we return them to God and His divine purpose for their lives and then they must get on with it. Repression will rob them of self-motivation, responsibility and independence.

So we need to live with many imperfections and govern it all wisely, without creating a stifling, cold and regimented system. We should also remain real and relational. Thus parents and teachers must be able to laugh and cry and be very human, whilst still maintaining high standards of education and discipline.

Parents may feel that the subject of discipline is challenging. It is certainly not my desire to be insensitive to parents that are trying hard, despite the struggles of balancing work, home and other priorities. But, you also cannot outsource parental guidance – discipline must start at home and parents and teachers need to find ways to work together to instil a culture of discipline and respect in all learners.

Fair and loving discipline is not hard to impose, is always respected by children and is the most obvious way to protect our children from social corruption. Don’t feel threatened by this, rather lets help each other to help them. When we are divided, children will divide and conquer, but when we work together we will equip them for life, peace and happiness.

Unless we act, we face a greater struggle

When Winston Churchill warned the world of war, they ignored him. When the clouds of war gathered over Europe they still ignored him, and Harold McMillan naively shook hands with evil, saying: “We have peace in our times”. Then the bombs started falling, but it was too late.

So I must now say to this generation: don’t ignore the real threats of indiscipline. Crime and corruption reflect a lack of social maturity and an absence of discipline, a psychosis that has destroyed many nations. Left to itself, the same tragedy will befall our world and hurt the very people we seek to help.

So, I can’t give you good news, as such. Yet there still is good news: for we can still make a difference and there is still hope. With God, ALL things are possible!

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com