About wives: and mothers (mother's day post)

I am wary of sentimentalism and the commercialisation of our deepest values, but for my own reasons I will honor all mothers - my own mom and the mother of my sons in particular. She is the greatest human model of the unseen hands of compassion that sustain this world. There is a very kingly side to God - authoritative, no nonsense, clear cut, powerful. On more than one occasion that side of God has had to be restrained through intercession, else He would have wiped out His people or destroyed the earth.

But there is another side to Him, reflected by women, particularly by mothers. It sees the hand of judgement and discipline rise, then rushes in to restrain that hand, pulling it back and restoring perspective. For our God, fearsome as He is, a great consuming fire, is also slow to wrath and quick to show mercy. His love endures to countless generations, His mercies are ever sure.

About wives: What value a wife

What is the value of a wife? The bible calls her a good thing, but there are as many with doubts, as there are wives with doubts about husbands. The concept is a fading throwback to a romantic era. Sure marriage can hurt, but persistence brings great reward, as the relationship shifts from the emotions, to the head, the body and the heart - and two became one.

She is a life witness – only she has walked the journey with me and known my every stumble and triumph. She knows me better than anyone else, but the miracle is she loves me anyway. Some might prefer her to be a silent witness, but I am glad she was there.

About wives: She is a life witness

Jesus called us to be His witnesses, just as an intimate life partner is a witness to our own lives.

Both men and women need a witness to their lives. Jesus had four primary witnesses, the writers of the gospels, but He also relied on the rest of the twelve disciples and His faithful retinue. So the idea of having witnesses to our lives is nothing strange.

A life witness inside a marriage keeps us honest and true to ourselves, but it also reminds us of the fact that our life story is being recorded and will ultimately be told: “No comment” is also a recorded statement, so there is no escaping the fact that ultimately our lives will relate to others, either as an example or as a warning. Our most important audience obviously will be the Great God Himself, who will hold court so that relevant witnesses can validate our testimonies.

About wives: See the whole me

With complex wiring and a broad brain stem, women offer us tinkers, a fascinating, lifelong pastime.

A wife also needs to be seen as a whole. She is not a sexual object, nor even a prize to be worn on the arms of proud men. She is a living, breathing wholeness that cries out for completion more than men are able to understand.

Men are quite binary. Feed them, sex them, amuse them and rest them and they are reasonably content.

A man can get by on a fairly business-like partnership with his wife, but that will never fulfill her. She is just too complex. A man can be switched on to his wife (or any other female) in moments and lose interest as quickly, not so for a woman. A man could be as detached from his wife in lovemaking as a client is in a transient moment with a prostitute. His need is somewhat organic, fairly superficial and easily satisfied.

About wives: Accept me

Another recurring cry of wives, is for acceptance. Its urgency sets off alarm bells in our culture.

I find this particular need to be so high on the list of priorities that it sets off alarm bells.

I know there was a time when I was judgmental and intolerant, partly because of upbringing and partly because of my theological background. But having had two very normal boys has helped me to become more realistic. The boys may have some advantages, but they are still quite normal in their responses to the world around them. Without exposing their souls, let me simply say that many of their own personal struggles could have become major issues, if it were not for a value that our family has adopted, namely: to minimize issues and accept them as they are.

If I were to major on every issue, I would oppress my children. I do have certain no-fly zones, such as respect for authority, particularly parents and teachers (non-negotiable), personal discipline (clean nails, proper grooming and tidy bedrooms) and a few other things. But there are a zillion other things that I take to be normal and allow, choosing rather to nudge and guide the boys or teach about the consequence of their actions.

About wives: Our men must live in authority

Another male role is to anchor roles and be a backbone of authority in healthy, balanced families.

The need for authority is a tough and thorny subject to work through.

Let me start by bringing some balance. I believe women all over the world have been oppressed for far too long, yet they have so ably proved themselves in the workplace and in the life of the church. Many ministers will tell you that the backbone of their congregations comprises women and many bosses will tell of the competence of women employees. They are also more resilient, able to multi-task and blessed with a very real intuition that is vital to effective decision-making in politically tainted contexts. Solomon also recognized these virtues in Proverbs 31:10-31.

I have spoken in a separate context about the social order of the African Lion and shown how the females do most of the real stuff that keeps the pride going. They obviously bear and raise the next generation, but they also hunt for food, hold the pride together, train the younger lions and so on. The males don’t do as much, but their focus is vital to the sustainability of the pride.

About wives: Men please be men

The third need of a wife is for her man to fulfil his role, whilst complementing hers.

In all armies, role differentiation is very clear. Infantry members do not cook, but they would be useless if the cooks did not cook. Likewise tank drivers are not medics, but they are grateful that medics command their specialization, for that has saved many lives. It’s no less useful if minesweepers decide that they might be good pilots, or if fighter pilots try to do bridge-building. A good army requires mustering. If each person does what they are trained for, the team works well and is effective in executing its overall responsibility.

About wives: I need love, affection, intimacy

Affection is one of greatest needs of wives, from their husbands: it defines the whole relationship.

Paul said in Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives”. In the same context he also said wives submit to your husbands. I know that is controversial and I really don’t need to go there right now, except to say this: there are reciprocal needs in a relationship. To make the fulfillment of one reasonable, other needs must also be addressed.

I think the world has become “win: win” in its thinking: it is selfish and only acts in response to what it gets. But Godly love is about trust, a trust that says I love fully without expectation of recompense.

When love is betrayed, count that as a violation of trust and deal with it appropriately. I don’t only refer to infidelity, but to any breech of trust between partners. I do not advocate a managed relationship, where each party jealously watches the other – that is not trust and it will also lead to frustration and a sense of being trapped. Trust is trust, the currency of love.

About wives: Series on their needs

What does a woman want? Mel Gibson had some ideas, but he cheated. Maybe it is time for another look.

It does seem that the needs of married men and women compete with each other within marriage. He seems to prefer physical things, she is more emotional. She is maternal, he paternal. He has a protective instinct; she is inclined to be more vulnerable. He is often more game for wild things; she tends to be more sensible. He tends to see things on the surface; she tends to see below the surface of people and issues.

Okay I guess there is enough generalization there to keep us busy awhile, but there are other idiosyncrasies that do seem to characterize a woman’s need quite well. These observations have held consistent for me across a wide spectrum. They have been true of high powered women and housewives. They are consistent across degrees of beauty, age, health and state of life.