Christian Family Life

About men: They have to do something, but also need a burning bush experience

2010-09-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

It is generally not easy for a man to simply do nothing. When they are still boys, even doing the wrong things beats doing nothing and as a result they are often in trouble. Look I know there are exceptions to every generalisation, but most guys I know, myself included, feel very uncomfortable with inaction.

If you wnat to see what I mean, watch what happens to men when they are out of work. Some climb the wall, some go right over the wall, others just slump against the wall in misery and a few, like Winston Churchill express their pain by building a new wall. Its a very tough thing for a guy, because rightly or wrongly he is conditioned by life to be a provider. It is tough to let go of that and look to God as our provider - most men will really battle to make that transition, even very spiritual men.

Its partly because of these instincts that men in trouble tend to retreat into their caves, because they feel so ashamed when they can no longer provide. It doesn't matter how other see it, they will see themselves as failures.

To be honest, no woman can truly understand these issues. Moving into a career is a step up for a woman and losing a job merely brings her back to her comfort zone - and I have found that many, maybe most women are confortable with that. Amazingly, that makes them more alluring to future job providers, because they are less likely to come across in interviews as desperately unemployed. It is not so for a guy.

A man's identity is so linked to what he does, taking that away can destroy him. What I mean is that, since forever, men were known by their work, Jack the Smith or John the Baker or Jim the Butcher or Pat the Postman.

It was never so for women and even today it is hardly a deal-breaker for them, because they just don't have as deep a need. They are more secure in their identities, because they have a more internalised frame of reference - womanhood and motherhood is full of rich identifiers that generally enjoy the approval of other woman and the admiration of men. Men don't have such luxuries.

Now the upshot of this is that God will often cut a man down and force him into a place of standing still, because otherwise they will not listen or even stop to hear. They are not comfortable with sitting and listening and church is often a very counter-intuitive experience for a guy.

I can only say, as a man who was cut down and left to tread water for a good few years, that if you don't stop when He says stop, you will crash and burn out or at least compound the crises you already have. You can fight God if you want, but you won't win.

All the great men of the bible were sent into personal wildernesses to wrestle with God until they heard His still small voice. It is flipping tough to go there and yet, contradictory as it may sound, doing nothing at times like that can be your most constructive response to crisis.

We have to appreciate that God is Holy and we show that holiness by leaving our shoes and all our related agendas outside until His fire burns in us again.

(c) Peter Eleazar @ www.4u2live.net
Image source: http://www.judaicaboutique.com/catalog/images/Products/Darius/the-burning-bush-by-darius-gilmont.gif

About men: They need to be heroes ... but who needs another hero?

2010-08-25T03:54:00.000-07:00

Ever since my boys were small, there was a budding hero in their hearts. They took to guns and weapons of mass distraction, faster than I can write these words. They were up drainpipes, launching themselves down flights of stairs onto precarious mattresses or walking along the edge of nothingness or exploding stufft that the CIA might find less than amusing, before they even had teeth - thank you Lord that their teeth came later and that they each have a spare set, for they really need it.

To this day they both dream of changing the world and ridding it of all the baddies out there. Both had far more effective solutions for Iraq, Iran, Zimbabwe and other trouble spots of this earth, than the trillions of dollars the US spent in coming to a non-resolution.

A correspondent recently observed that boys grow into men that so long to be heroes - useful, wanted and vital. They want to sweep a distressed damself off her feet and change the world around them. They want to make it all better, to raise their families right and also to contribute to society. Yes, I really do believe that every man has the same innate desire to be a genuine hero in the eternal struggle of good versus evil.

Sadly, our heroes are often so blinded by their own needs that they forget the youngsters at home, who have yet to become heroes, but right now just need a hero ... and that's where it all goes wrong.

I have seen grown men go to middle and old age, carrying unspeakable wounds inflicted by their fathers. Their needs are often as simple as watching them when they cry, "Dad watch me" or "Dad come and look at what I have made ... but step carefully because that string goes through that window over the neighbour's wall, through my ear down the toilet and across the street. If you kick it we will all be in big trouble". Oh how many times I have had to chuckle beneath my breath at some of the bizarre but ever intriguing schemes my sons have dreamed up, but how it saddened them when I don't show up.

They actually don't ask much from us, which is good as right now there isn't too much to give. They are also very forgiving, and I need a lot of that. They are also remarkeably easy to please - they rarely need expensive toys or other things to amuse them and would far rather get loving correction than indifference. But they can rarely thrive without the loving support and recognition of their dads. It is as true of girls.

So as much as dads have a great need to be heroes, what their soon-to-be hero children really want is for us to take them on our adventures, so we can all be heroes together. Someone once said, "how can I change the world", to which another replied, "start with your family".

Sadly even if guys wear their underclothes on the outside of their pants or slant their eyes unevenly to show their menace or let their capes blow in the wind as they waft by, the only ones who will truly ever see them as the heroes they have already become ... are at home waiting for you to appear out of the blue.

Tina Turner ground away her gritty, "we don't need another hero", a sentiment that is as true of Dads, because to every little boy and girl in the world and to every unfulfilled woman sitting at home waiting for him to ride in off the streets and conquer her dragons ... the hero they already have is all they really need.

Now here is the upshot. No matter how impressive you may seem to be out there, other equally wounded guys will soon notice the label on your inside-out undies and see right through dark shades or your deep-voiced bluster. But almost in spite of every reasonable fault, your family will still accept you as their hero and forgive you for your inadequacies ... if you will just turn back to them.

Image source: http://youngwivestale-eve.blogspot.com/2010/01/o-father-of-minetell-me-where-have-you.html

About men: one of their greatest needs is to be needed

2010-08-17T02:19:00.000-07:00

Decades ago, African men were defined by their prowess. They would carry spear and shields, chant war songs and go off to do battle, if not with their enemy, then with the antelope that frequented their grassy plains. After a hard day’s work the women would cook the food and wait on their warriors. But as the sun retreated below the tall stands of savanna and the thorn trees that stood sentry along the shadowed escarpments, the men would sit around their fires, drinking beer and sharing stories, the light in their eyes enflamed by the legends of bygone eras.

Sadly the world no longer needs their strength. They still stand in huddled groups around brazen fires, where flickering street lights enflame their empty eyes, as they shelter from the emptiness beyond … until the grey shafts of morn restore life to the cold, stone flagstones.

I once had to give a lift to a female colleague whose husband had declined to fetch her from the airport. I asked why, only to be told that “I have my own professional life and can look after myself.” My own reply was, “Then you are getting what you deserve”. No, this is not a criticism of women in the workplace. Not even the bible does that. It is merely a concern for the marginalization of men. Sadly, just as for the African warrior, modern man is becoming redundant.

Irma Bombeck, the great American comedienne, though successful in her own right, publicly confessed her need for her husband. So did Margaret Thatcher. I have worked with other women in powerful positions who managed to retain their femininity and would still proudly walk on the arms of their hubbies. It is not weakness to need a guy, but it may be wisdom. Men need to be needed. That is why they battle so deeply with worklessness or loss of mobility. Unfortunately, I fear the rising trend of violence against women may reflect a primitive need to regain the one thing that always defined them: their prowess.

I don’t care how hard a mom tries to assert authority, a man just has to speak and children listen. Fathers also provide vital inputs to the emerging sexual and spiritual identity of children. Men are also useful in decision making, because they tend to be less emotive, more matter of fact. They are undoubtedly better at ensuring security in the home. They have many vital virtues, not the least being that they are an integral part of social and interpersonal balance. So why are they being marginalized? Or maybe more to the point, why are they being emasculated?

I don’t have the answers but I will end with this: it is ignorant folly to not need your man. Paul said, “submit to your husbands”, but the context was “men love your wives”. As much as a woman needs love, so a man needs respect and a sense of value. Give it, be wise about it, and you will reap great benefits.

About men: they are caught in a conflict of expectations, that point back to God

2010-08-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

My family has been through a long season of struggle. After a series of life-class setbacks, the final blow came with the failure of a business and my inability to get reemployed. That resulted in the loss of our life savings and many other deep struggles. Well, such is life. God has been faithful anyway and He has always provided our daily bread. He has also used our experience to shape us to His will and to equip us for whatever lies ahead.

Yesterday my wife had an honest moment with me. Now that we are at the bottom of the barrel she questioned whether I was doing enough to address the crisis. The fact that I have faced countless disappointments, is besides the point, but as she expressed disappointment in me for failing to meet her needs, I in turn said, “I feel the same about God”.

Let me explain. Biblically, as a woman looks to her man, so he looks to God. As she has expectations of her husband, so he in turn has expectations of God. The frustrations that Paula now feels brings into stark perspective the restlessness I too feel. It makes our struggle both human and real.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not having a go at God, I am merely bringing things into perspective.

The world takes God out of the equation and imposes undue expectations on husbands. Indeed, it is so entrenched in society that men bear enough shame when found wanting, to send them into states of madness or desperation. However, when God is restored to His rightful place in the order of life and family, the demands of society are tempered. The burden of a man then shifts from primary provider to that of family priest and shepherd.

Fact is that God’s ways are hard to find and He has always imposed adversity on His people. When He led Abraham and Sarah into a lonely wilderness, she lost all the support systems that once sustained her, but Abraham obeyed God and went the distance anyway. I could also talk of Moses, David, Jacob and others, suffice to say that God casts us into struggles for His own reasons.

To me it has been marvelous to compare notes with others and reflect on how adversity has simplified our lives, taught us deeper values, drawn us closer to each other and strengthened, not weakened, our faith. God knows what He is doing and His ways will be vindicated, but in the process, will He not also vindicate the righteous and raise us up in due course?

I have to believe He is faithful and that we will never see the righteous forsaken or His seed begging for bread. I must also come to terms with the humbling that a process of dependency on God works in us, knowing that it will ultimately be for His glory. All He requires from us is a faith that persists through the trials so He can finish what He has started in us.

Image source: http://media.photobucket.com/image/man%20alone%20with%20God/mmeyerdc/siberian_solitude.jpg#

About men: Why men outperform women

2010-07-20T00:15:00.000-07:00

Men best women in almost every sphere of achievement. It is empirically true. The best chefs are men, men are better in almost every known sport, in non-athletic sports like golf or sailing, men still outrank women. Throughout biblical history, there was one female judge, no female monarchs, but endless male leaders. Throughout human history, men have built roads, bridges, empires and great structures. Men invented and perfected aircraft, motor cars, the space shuttle, weapons … they have excelled everywhere.

Yeah, I know I have just upset a lot of people, but there is an explanation for all this.

The female identity relates to who she is. The male identity comes from what he does. The patterns have been distorted by modernization, but the principles remain valid. By 12 or 13 a girl acquires a deep, instinctive sense of self and matures quickly. Her identifiers are so strong that she finds herself far quicker than guys do and the issues and pains of womanhood that she shares will all other women, further reinforces her identity. As her breast fill out, she also flowers and her contours soften. Her hair, which thanks to estrogen, generally never fails, crowns her with glory. To add to that, most healthy men look at her with wonder and so confirm her identity. They pursue her approval and worship her loveliness. No wonder that from pre-puberty, a girl starts driving her parents crazy with her self-awareness and the associated need for acceptance of that.

It is not so for guys.

Trace back through history, even to the present and you will see that men always had external identifiers. All ancient civilizations had male coming of age or initiation rituals, because a boy cannot make the transition to real manhood outside of the acceptance of other men. There is a deeper principle behind that, but suffice to say that God programmed us that way. Thus, a man is born to compete for his identity.

In nature a bird fluffs its feathers, a lion shows off its mane, a weaver displays its nest, other creatures sing for their supper and antelope square off against other males – all for the elusive approval of females. That approval instills rivalry and contributes to a strong gene pool. The tensions provoke all males in all species to gather the attributes needed for the approval of their sublimely adequate and essentially fulfilled mates. Hey I know that females also have identity issues and I think barrenness is one of the greatest of all sorrows as is the growing tendency of men to not honor their mates with the security of marriage. I also know that unloved wives are deeply wounded. However, all her needs are drawn from her inner world – her family, child bearing, the beautification of her home, her mate and her role in society. It is not so for men.

So men also compete for their mates, but their need for the approval of other men is almost as strong. To that end their minds are designed for focus, for hunting and accomplishment and their bodies are equipped for strength, power and competition. It is not so for women. They certainly are good workers and Solomon advocated teh role of women in the economy, as did other biblical writers. Indeed they bring a fresh perspective and unique capabilities, so this is not a comparative debate - it is merely intended to explore what makes men tick and how we should address their special needs.

Behind all this is a deeper mystery that is the real driver of these instincts. I will deal with this later, but it all points to our surpassing need for the approval of the Greatest Father.

About men: We don't need another hero

2010-07-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

Ever since my boys were tots they have cried out "watch me Dad", before diving down a full staircase onto the mattresses far below or exploding a home-made incendiary device or doing a double-somersault into the pool or walking along a parapet above a 3,000 foot sheer drop or launching a rocket or, more recently, to review their academic progress. I never had girls so I can't comment on that, already complex mystery.

The need for approval and recognition is a powerful driver in men. It was the key driver behind all the greatest waves of history. Unfortunately it is also misplaced.

So having upset a whole lot of ladies I am now upsetting a whole lot of guys

As my own journey with God enfolded, He stripped away my many layers until I stood naked before Him. One of those layers was a man-made imposition that guys must have all the answers and make all the provisions for their homes - it imposes a heroic role that is unsustainable and generally a great big lie. God provides and God has the answers. We don't need heroes, we need grace.

I must add here that one of the biggest stumbling blocks of leadership, especially (in this context) male leadership, is the assumption that they must have the answers, the vision or the resources to make everything happen. No - the sweet spot of leadership is where we become like Moses or Paul, in taking what we receive from God and committing it to faithful souls. God never glories in our accomplishments or original thinking, but is delighted when, like Abel, we bring back to Him what He first entrusted to us. Indeed, when Moses had his individual moment, God effectively said, "dare not speak to my people that way. They are mine, the product of my workmanship. So now rather you walk away."

Men were also half made

Ouch. I am really treading on corns here. The truth is that we are all half made. We were designed to be complementary. The very fact that we need food and shelter, was God's way of inducing co-dependencies, without which we cannot and will not know His heart. Similarly, God distributed natural resources (minerals, land, water) and human resources (skills, talents, exerience), so that we may trade with each other and find meaning in the human collective. Thus, even if a man becomes the focused, sharp end of a marriage (a generalisation), without the balancing effect of a wife's relational skills, the marital team will always be stilted.

I have to again make the point, that leadership is not sufficient unto itself. Good leadership is not about using the people as a platform for self-realization, it is a process by which we cultivate and coordinate the activities of others so that they can be effective. It is never about us. Leadership is only a role amongst roles, useful to the extent that it brings vital direction and backbone to a team, but generally less than useful in the roles that others (often women) are better equipped to fulfill. Vision is a collective consciousness, which a skilful and relevant leader learns to distil through interaction, prophetic influences and consultation, so that the people ultimately fulfill their own God-given potential instead of being shoe-horned into a leader's mold.

The most heroic of all the Godly souls of history, were the shepherds – because shepherding is what real leadership and fatherhood is all about.

The Stranger in our House

2010-07-19T04:21:00.000-07:00

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.

(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors.

Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.

He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.

Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name? .... We just call him 'TV.' He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.' Their first child is "Cell Phone" and the second child is "I Pod"

Source: Colin Wood, a friend

About men: they have greater needs for identity

2010-07-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest needs of men is directly linked to one of their greatest vulnerabilities: the toughest of men are all susceptible to their egos. As such a little woman can stand up to a big man and tear him down with words or rejections.

The Scots have the most unshakable accent in the world. I have met Scots that are more than 50 years removed from their homeland, but whose accents are as stubborn as ever. I once heard of a woman who applied for a job. A condition of employment was to lose the accent, which she did, thereby proving that it is possible to shake, even if it is undesirable to do so. That stubbornness is because their cultural identities (kilts, bagpipes, traditions, symbols, food) are so strong and vivid, which firmly anchors the Scots to their roots.

The same may be said of woman. They have very clear distinctions that emerge in puberty and stay with them throughout life. They happily live through the more onerous rituals of womanhood, because that is what makes a woman, a woman. It also enables women to identify with each other, thereby reinforcing their identities. As a result they network readily - to cope with and interpret life. They are also naturally intriguing to men, a mystique that enhances their identity and lifts them to the pinnacle of creation. Men on the other are so sensitive to rivalries and perceptions that tehy resolve all tehir crises in their own private caves.

The identity of men is far more ambiguous. Generally men are more powerful, practical and physical than women. However, they are prone to stereotyping because of our tendency to resist the maturity and finesse of woman. Oh we may well become domesticated, albeit reluctantly, but the instinct of most men is to be free-spirited, independent and as close to mud as possible. We are playful and reckless throughout life.

Otherwise, the defining characteristics of men are far wider than for woman. We have fewer physical identifiers and far broader character distinctions. Women are generally feminine, but masculinity in men is an ambiguous concept. To some it is brawn (often without brains), to others it is responsibility, whilst others again are identified by their athleticism, looks, intellect, creativity or sociability … the list is rather long.

Men also defer to women. The world has an emasculating, domesticating influence on us. Schools are generally dominated by women and early academic advantages accrue to girls – even when a boy does excel he is labeled as a nerd. The dating game demands further refinement, just as it does in the courtship rituals of nature, where the female of the species validates a male and men are required to fluff feathers, flare chests and do whatever it takes to make an impression. Woman generally just have to be what they are. That is not to say, for one moment, that women have a lesser value in life. They are making vital contributions and bringing unique perspectives to work, which is why Solomon acknowledged the industrious wife.

Once married, a man is subject to further refinement and domestication, as the burdens of responsibility and social awareness are imposed on us.

So, it is no wonder that a man’s ego is so vulnerable, yet many foolish women have misused that to crush men. I say “foolish”, because the biggest losers in that game are always women. I will explore that in the next blog, but for now, let me conclude by saying that the need for identity is one of the greatest needs of men. Sure woman also need approval and love, but men will crumble if their identities fail – take away a man’s job, his family, his strength or his status and you will quickly see what I mean.

About men: who are you? There are just many mixed signals

2010-06-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

Society is facing more moral dilemmas than ever. For ages homosexuality was a closet sin and so were many other social issues, but now it has become a social sin to suppress what was once frowned on. It is now more wrong to speak right, truth has become an opinion and society has opted for the ten suggestions.

We have a litany of social issues, but in decrying the symptoms have lost sight of the causes. Doctors may treat root cause, not symptoms, but more money can be made from symptomatic treatments. Rather than understand why we feel the way we do, we revert to placebos, pain killers, anti-depressants and so on.

As with homosexuality, many have reverted to rather simplistic right/wrong debates. There was a time when the priests of Israel used the Urim and Thummin (yes/no, guilty/not guilty) method of divination. They were bones or stones that the user cast to the ground as a somewhat arbitrary method of discernment. It was used by Joshua to (correctly) single out Achan for the offence he brought on the nation when he took forbidden loot from Jericho.

That system faded, because God never advocated a simple yes/no or right/wrong posture - unlike Catholic and social emphases on sins, God is concerned with Sin: a state of being by which all humans stand guilty before God. The priests of old hid the Urim and Thummin inside the ephod, a garment encrusted with semi-precious stones, each representative of one of the tribes of Israel. By implication, the priests had hid a yes/no philosophy inside the fabric of an intermediary model, by which a priest could rather intercede before God on behalf of the people. Jesus took that to its ultimate conclusion when He bore our sins to the cross, thereby replacing a right/wrong model with a grace and truth model. He dealt with sin and took our blame.

There is a substantial yes/no dilemma at the heart of homosexuality. Any boy who falls out of the frame of normality poses a dilemma for a yes/no society. Thus, rather than accept his uniqueness (some of the greatest men of biblical and secular history were different, contemplative and non-physical), others label him and force him into his own right/wrong choice about where to find solace and acceptance. It often starts at home, though, when fathers fail to accept the uniqueness of each child or neglect to provide a sound model on which to frame their choices and worldviews.

This all points to a greater issue – the universal need for acceptance, which having been denied provokes all of us to find ways to frame our own value relative to others. Thus, by putting down others and gravitating to certain groups, we ensure perceptions of acceptance. That has led to a vicious cycle of materialism and social one-upmanship, resulting in a myriad social problems, including broken homes, substance abuse, stress-related illnesses, crime … and, of course, sexual identity issues. As "The Who" sang way back in 1978, we are now all asking, "who are you?" and "who am I?"

Acceptance issues have made pharmaceutical and cosmetic markets very lucrative, for the worse we feel about ourselves the more we spend and the more we spend the worse we feel. Paul rightly said, in Romans 8, that we were made subject to vanity, but the root of that vanity is common to all … it is a sin nature that can only be cured by the cross. Thus, our world, for all its woes, is in trouble – not because of its social exceptions, but because we excepted the only God who could give us real acceptance.

About men: the real role of Father-hood is a noble calling

2010-06-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

This cartoon says it all on this Father's day 2010. A busy father was nagged by his son to go fishing. Eventually he could not put it off so he cleared a day in his diary and did it (I don't like fishing either, but I love being with my sons). Afterwards the father wrote in his diary, "worst day of my life". The boy subsequently died in an accident and the father had to tidy up his room, a process that stumbled on the boy's diary. As the father sat down to page through the book he came to the day when the two went fishing - the inscription said, "best day of my life".

The lesson in this story is for fathers to never underestimate their value to growing chidren. There is evidence that the sexual identity of boys and girls is derived from their fathers as is their concept of an angry, absent or loving God.

Even an imperfect father (and we are all flawed) can make a profound difference. A man asked his friend, "why are you such a fine person, whilst you dad was such an habitual drunk". The other replied, "When I was young, my brother died of a sickness that my parents could have treated, so they blamed each other until she left and divorced him. He turned to the bottle to soothe his compound pains, but he also won custody of me. Every night, for as far back as I can remember, that old man, drunk or sober, would creep into my room, kiss my forehead and say, "I love you son" - and that sole fact defines my life today".

Fathers, I salute you. Hardened criminals rarely resent their moms, but almost always resent the absence of their dads. Know today that you do make a big difference and may well be the last restraint on a world that is spinning out of control. Never underestimate your value. A group of juvenile elephants was separated from the male role models in their herd, which led them to misbehave - resulting in a few overturned cars and tourist deaths. The introduction of a few male role models sorted them out - it is as true of the role of dads in society.

I pray that God will bless each father today and give you the courage to do your best, in spite of our shared inadequacies. Know this, children were designed to be forgiving, because God knew that their parents would be imperfect, so don't give up hope - you are needed and valuable, no matter how things seem to be.

Image source: http://politicsoffthegrid.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/fathers-day2.jpg

About men: Biblical manhood

2010-06-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

I have often heard leaders defend a masculine model of manhood, arguing that a man must be sweaty and brawny. Why do we need to tidy up incongruencies by putting people into stereotypical boxes and why do we insist on selecting leaders based on impressions whilst God looks on the unseen heart?

The fact is that like so like so many others, I am not that good at sport, nor am I brawny. My center of gravity is more in my heart and mind. I am a thinker and, like David, very reflective – a writer of poetry and books. I have also paid many prices for standing my ground on issues of consequence. Many other men who would pass the brawn and sweat test, still fail where it most counts – in their responsibilities to life and family.

Esau was a red, hairy, hard, masculine hunter-brother who regarded his thinker-reflector brother as a nerd. Jacob spent time at the feet of spiritual examples like his grandfather and mother, but Esau relied on his father’s misplaced approval. God loved Jacob and rejected Esau – because he respected his birthright, valued his past and was willing to fight for a noble cause. Rebekah, his mom, was cut from the same cloth and ultimately paid a great price for ensuring that the blessing was entrusted to the more dependable son.

It is intriguing to me that the “manly” characters of the bible were often disastrous leaders. They were impulsive, egotistic, self-centered, proud and unwise. King Saul epitomized the issue, for despite being physically impressive, he was corrupt and ineffectual. I contrast the same men with the great men of the bible, who were generally all shepherds, writers, psalmists and thinkers, men that took time to listen to God and wait on Him for their life direction instead of running off impulsively in their own follies.

A brave man must never be confused with a fearless man. The ludicrous image of he-men attacking a small force with overwhelming and heavily armed numbers may typify Hollywood action movies, but it hardly presents a role model of manhood. The real men who hold a nation together are the unspoken heroes who nurture their children, love their wives and fight for righteous causes. They may be unarmed and often in the minority, but their words and actions have repeatedly shaped the course of society and history. They also had to battle inner fears and misgivings, conquering their own doubts more heroically than those blinded to fearlessness by their tax paid armor and technology.

Some of the less manly men who shaped the world in spite of their own inner struggles, include Churchill (sickly and depressive), Roosevelt (no legs), Lincoln (rejected many times), Gandhi (a pacifist who silently resisted an empire), Einstein (a likeable eccentric), David (a shepherd king), Moses (a prince reduced to shepherding) and Paul (a scholar who returned from his own wilderness to found the early church). I could go on, but you have enough to make your own choice about what defines a man.

Image source: http://www.grace-efc.org/clientimages/39877/mensfraternity2.jpg

About men: The home shepherd

2010-06-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

In a previous article I showed that Jacob, Abel, Moses, David and Abraham were all shepherds. They were not distinguished by their physical prowess or sweat capital. God despised those things that we so often associate with manhood: sweat, strength and initiative. He looked beyond those obvious externalities and sifted people to find men who could ably steward his kingdom.

God’s men all happened to have learnt about stewardship though shepherding. God used that to demonstrate the contrasts between them and the men he rejected in their favor. Thus Esau and Cain both leaned on their manly skills but failed to impress, whilst Jacob and Abel deferred to their pastoral skills to win the favor of God.

I have often heard men preach on “manliness” and have felt that in doing so they generally missed the point. Godly manhood certainly does not disdain strength (take Peter as an example). Rather it emphasizes pastoral values.

In my darkest hours, wiser men observed that the primary role of men is not even about providing, a notion that has put many men under great pressure. Providers are generally affirmed by our culture, but as soon as they fail they are cast aside, minimized and ground to powder by their perceived failure. It is a tough call and I have personally experienced how painful it is to fail in this way, for it reflects on what makes men significant to the prevailing culture. Although it is noble for men to provide and good to lay up a heritage for their children, that is not their defining identity. Yet it would seem that men who lose their employment status run this risk of isolation and banishment.

The same tribe of men that so loves to categorize men, as early as school years, conveniently places softer men into a limbo state that they generalize into “Gays”. Only some of that group really deserve the label. Some are the victims of harsh fathers and many others are the victims of a harsh, judgmental society that lacks the guts to accept less physical men as men at all.

But God does not see it that way. He loves pastoral men and entrusts their more compassionate hearts with great things. Indeed, when the last curtain falls on history we may well be very surprised by whom God cites as heroes. Jim Collins’ book on “Good to Great” leadership, draws similar conclusion revealing America’s greatest leaders as being typically soft-spoken, self-deprecating, humble … but fiercely resolute.

To me, and the bible supports my view, the real heroes of God, are Spiritual Priests within their homes and cultures. They pray often for their families and take deliberate steps to keep their families intact, close to truth and far from trouble. They speak wisdom into their homes and guide their sheep to greatness. They do not resent the success of their wives, but pray that God will give them fulfilling roles in a tough world.

Priests of the home liberate and empower their homes, never stifle, but lay foundations for individual expression that enable the family to become an effective battle unit. They are tough, tougher than many apparently tough guys. They will fight for what is right and resist all wrongs, but most of their fights are played out on spiritual battlefields. Yet, for all their toughness, they are gentle, able to love their families with a heartfelt love.

The world we live in has emasculated men and that is tragic. But in some respects men got what they deserved. When they stopped talking to their children, defending their homes, upholding loving discipline or lovingly shepherding their sheep, they abandoned their posts and left it to their wives to fulfill their natural roles. Unfortunately for the same men, who felt that working hard was validation enough for their manhood, women are now succeeding where men once dominated – so much for our manhood.

If we are to reclaim our identities we must look to the bible and rediscover the fear of God: the beginning of all wisdom. To reclaim our families and become living examples, shepherds must be man-enough and humble enough to stand accountable for the sheep entrusted to them. But in doing so, most reasonable (or at least Godly) women will not only learn to trust their husbands again, but they will also rediscover real fulfillment – in their homes, their work and their spirituality.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

About men: All or nothing

2010-06-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

I recently had the need to explore work opportunities away from home. My own drought drove me as it once did for Abraham and Jacob. However, at the last moment God intervened, shut the door and pointed me in another direction. It was almost like the knife had been poised over my family when the angel intervened.

It reminded me that God is so relational. He will never, ever divide relationships, especially families. He told Abraham to offer His son to make that very point - that unlike the pagan system, His value does not turn our most treasured relationships into sacrifices.

Oh of course we don't do human sacrifices anymore - we just offer our families on the economic or career altar, allowing the most treasured of all relationships to suffer for the sake of a thankless system. But God is not like that at all. Indeed, performance is of little or no consequence to Him at all. Obdeience is far more valuable than sacrifice. We can make whatever sacrifices to the system, be it time, money, convenience or lifestyle, but it all means nought to God - for divine progress derives from obedience to God's laws and principles.

There is a more salient point though. When Abraham sired a half son through Hagar, God made the point that for all his potency as a man (and Abraham was evidently very potent given the children he sired after the death of Sarah), the promise was two-edged - it vested in him and his wife. Just as a seed cannot germinate without an egg, so we are incapable of stewarding God's promises except in covenant with our life partners.

Far too many men feel that what happens out there is down to their prowess or ego - and many women have fallen for the same lie. To God it is all or nothing. Moses, Joshua and Caleb were great men, but God refused to let them go into the promised land without Israel, for the nation was the chosen vessel of God, not the individuals making up that nation.

So too with our families and indeed with the church - the individual for all his or her gifted-ness, is of little value alone, but is of awesome value and power within the context of the greater whole, for therein lies the fullest expression of His heart. God is relational - He never built the kingdom alone and He sure will not allow any of us to go it alone - its all, or nothing.

About men: Root out the ants

2010-06-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

My home was inundated with ants, but it amazed me how organized they were. If food dropped on the floor, news quickly reached the rest of the colony. As their chances of getting it all are always limited, they attack food furiously to get it back to the nest before it is too late.

Individual workers go out foraging and when they find a real prize they leave a pheromone trail on the way back to the nest. Other ants then follow the trail and if they confirm the find, they do their own pheromone number until they are all doing it.

So I thought that ruthless cleaning (I am not yet compulsive), using strong smelling agents, would kill off their trail. A woman gives off pheromones with similar effect and my cleaning agents switched her off, so it all made sense. Cleaning helped, but it was a high maintenance task. Oh it kept them at bay for a while and their efforts went unrewarded, but they kept on coming anyway.

So then I got down on my knees to trace where they were coming from. That led me to nests hidden in cracks and crevices of the house that were too small to see. I lathered the cracks with poison – and walla, success. I succeeded because I got to the root or source, to kill off the nest and the queen.

Now, there are similar forces at work against our families. They come in waves and of course we leave enough to encourage them. Our worries, fears, sins and other follies are food indeed for the enemies of our soul. Some take it out on their families because of the negative consequences that such dark influences have. But I prefer to get down on my knees - because then I can see more clearly.

There are a number of thrones in heaven, but one is always accessible to us, the throne of grace or mercy seat. We have access to it through the veil that Christ rent on the cross. We also have the right to carry our own breastplate of precious stones on our hearts as we mediate for others.

The key to our strategy is to stop targeting symptoms or even the enemy we can see. We must target the nest, the root cause, where our issues multiply. We must take up the weapons of our warfare which are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds.

Our children often mirror our sins, so I find it useful to actively face up to the roots of sin in me before targeting those I pray for. We either inherit or bring iniquity upon ourselves. Such issues violate the objective laws of God, but by the same laws, repentance always brings blessing.

So approach His throne, without presumption or pretension. Humble yourself before Him and take the fight straight back to the source – and God will deliver your enemies into your hand, for the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much in the sight of God.

About men series: What is the value of a man?

2010-06-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

The blood, sweat and toils of brave men laid the foundations of human development, but the world we live in seems intent on rendering men redundant. They have contributed so much to history and the modern world owes them such a debt of gratitude, yet the same world seems to have fotgotten all that went before. It seems that society has lost its sense of the value of a man. Is it just my perception? What do you think?

In times before time, men fought wild beasts and rival tribes to preserve the gene-pool that became the stepping off point for modern civilization. They also crafted primitive tools and then developed those into ever more sophisticated instruments that became the key building-blocks of human advancement. Later they applied their sweat, power and specialist skills to tame the accursed soil and extract its abundant riches.

Through the middle ages, masons devoted their brief life-times to the building of churches, castles, battlements and villages, many of which still stand to this day thanks to profound craftsmanship, unstinting commitment and a willingness to defend their heritage to the last man. From the dawn of the industrial age, men hunked heavy objects and drove dangerous machines in appalling conditions, to provide the new world with its vital infrastructure. Then through the 20th century tens of millions of young men laid down their lives to protect the free world from dark, oppressive forces. Thanks to them the modern world is not led by mad-men, but by reasonable people who have preserved the order that others fought so hard to establish.

I am not discounted the value of women, I merely make a case for the value of men. They are still vital. Just because the world has changed, does not mean that men are now expendable.

There is not a boy or girl in the world that did not yearn for the arms of a father. Dads are vital to the establishment of gender identity, discipline, authority, sexual identity and a child’s concept of God. They are also vital to the protection of the family. They also play a vital role in balancing modern business and society. They are still so vital, despite how the modern world tends to neutralise or emasculate them.

Men still outperform women in sports and in physical activities. They possess a natural strength that sets the average man apart from the average woman. Oh sure, women have their own unique predispositions and I will never discount their value, but it is a foolish society that chooses to marginalize or emasculate its men.

I am actually not surprised that violent crime and rape is on the increase, because our world is driving men to resort to their primal instincts in a desperate quest for meaning and self-preservation. Such crimes are never going to be right, but if we don’t restore the balances, a violent reprisal is inevitable and in such a stand-off men will prevail, but the result will be a loss of civilization as we know it.

I once saw a Giles cartoon of a bunch of female nuclear non-proliferation activists protesting against US weaponry. They were encamped outside the Greenham Common Airbase in England. The cartoonist depicted an ordered female society with one luckless man tied to a post at the outskirts of the camp. When asked what he was for, they replied, “Oh we just keep him for reproductive purposes”.

It was a cynical stab at modern feminism, but it vividly symbolizes the tragedy of such thinking: truly a world that does not value its men, will face inevitable decline and regress until it is so weakened that stronger and meaner men will then take over and assert oppressive control.

I abhor the oppression of women, but casting men onto the scrapheap is not the right response to past injustices. We were made to coexist. To overcome life and its many struggles we need the physical strength of men and the loving care of women, just as God made it to be.

About wives: and mothers (mother's day post)

2010-05-09T02:14:00.000-07:00

I am wary of sentimentalism and the commercialisation of our deepest values, but for my own reasons I will honor all mothers - my own mom and the mother of my sons in particular. She is the greatest human model of the unseen hands of compassion that sustain this world. There is a very kingly side to God - authoritative, no nonsense, clear cut, powerful. On more than one occasion that side of God has had to be restrained through intercession, else He would have wiped out His people or destroyed the earth.

But there is another side to Him, reflected by women, particularly by mothers. It sees the hand of judgement and discipline rise, then rushes in to restrain that hand, pulling it back and restoring perspective. For our God, fearsome as He is, a great consuming fire, is also slow to wrath and quick to show mercy. His love endures to countless generations, His mercies are ever sure.

It is straightforward and unambiguous to model the "masculine"side of His nature, but only a mother can model the other side. Her love thrives in contradiction, pain, thanklessness, weariness, complexity, ambiguity - even rejection. She is uniquely equipped to endure and stay on an even keel when her family stumbles under the load of illness, discouragement or vulnerability.

She has enough bandwidth to task over many different thing simultaneously: a unique provision of God. Yet for all her breadth of focus, that focus is as deep and intense. She loves beyond reason and never stops doing so. She has no envy, never vaunts herself, is patient and kind. Her physical and emotional reservoir is beyond measure: deeper than the sea. She epitomises God's love for humankind, His redemptive heart and His burning desire to save all his children (whilst respecting their choices).

I recently faux pax'ed whilst trying to make a point to an audience, but they let me put it right - I said, "She is not as complex as I once thought. Give her enough love and intimacy and her pain threshold will rise until she becomes quite blind to the majority of our flaws and inadequacies. That got most of the women in my audience nodding in agreement, but the guys were left scratching their heads. To be honest - she is quite simple. Give her some picked flowers, take her for a walk, hold her, have a tender moment with her at the end of the day, listen to her offloading when you get home from work, whisper sweet nothings into her ear, bring her breakfast in bed ... and that's almost all it takes for her to warmly respond with a purr of delight and a resurgence of her love. By that rule, its us guys who are complex.

So, on this mother's day, 2010, I salute our moms - they are worthy of honor. The nation, for all its achievements in business, on the battlefields or in the fields of human endeavour, owes it all to the cradle of life - the unsung heroism of a mother's arms.

About wives: What value a wife

2010-04-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

What is the value of a wife? The bible calls her a good thing, but there are as many with doubts, as there are wives with doubts about husbands. The concept is a fading throwback to a romantic era. Sure marriage can hurt, but persistence brings great reward, as the relationship shifts from the emotions, to the head, the body and the heart - and two became one.

She is a life witness – only she has walked the journey with me and known my every stumble and triumph. She knows me better than anyone else, but the miracle is she loves me anyway. Some might prefer her to be a silent witness, but I am glad she was there.

She is a great moderator – a friend complained that his wife was not as spiritual as him, yet it is our differences that keep us real and relevant. She keeps me sober when I over-spiritualize life and spiritually lifts me up when I am down.

She is a comrade in arms – Who else would so willingly share a lifetime foxhole and never complain about it? God invested some of His own heart to equip her capacity for love, forgiveness and the patience to stand beside me in the darkest storms.

She is a touchstone – She restores perspective and keeps me focused on what matters in life, especially in terms of family and parenting. She gives me a sense of purpose, but I am also accountable to her, as she is to me, and that keeps me motivated.

She is a refuge – When life is grim, the road is rough and we have to stand against the odds, she is that honest refuge where we can be ourselves and surrender our nakedness, whilst exposing wounds and vulnerabilities that no one else dare see.

We shares an inheritance – The greatest miracle of marriage is the power to reproduce ourselves and see our life values replicated in the next generation. They will stand on our shoulders to go further and higher - perhaps our greatest contribution to history.

She is a life-time friend – We share children, memories, joys and disappointments, life and death. No one else would have the capacity to share that most honest passage of life that will eventually lead through the twilight unto the grave.

She completes me – Children raised in the tag-team ring of true family, find real balance. Whenever I was hard, she was soft and whenever she was tough, I did the understanding - but together we agreed on what was best for our sons. It gave them security, direction, confidence and a solid foundation – and no way to play us against each other.

She is my soul mate – Adam needed a help-meet – someone to share his life. As the pinnacle of creation, she teaches us the subtleties of social grace, yet is always game for adventure. As an inalienable part of our wholeness she will stand with us before the throne of God as we cover each other’s nakedness and bear witness to each other’s life.

About wives: She is a life witness

2008-04-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

Jesus called us to be His witnesses, just as an intimate life partner is a witness to our own lives.

Both men and women need a witness to their lives. Jesus had four primary witnesses, the writers of the gospels, but He also relied on the rest of the twelve disciples and His faithful retinue. So the idea of having witnesses to our lives is nothing strange.

A life witness inside a marriage keeps us honest and true to ourselves, but it also reminds us of the fact that our life story is being recorded and will ultimately be told: “No comment” is also a recorded statement, so there is no escaping the fact that ultimately our lives will relate to others, either as an example or as a warning. Our most important audience obviously will be the Great God Himself, who will hold court so that relevant witnesses can validate our testimonies.

A marriage partner is a vital link in the establishment of our testimonial, because no one will know us as intimately or privately as our spouse – not a lover, a friend, a child or a parent. A spouse enjoys a unique proximity to our lives, because love, for however long it endures, is what brings the two together and enables them to open up, trust and be truly vulnerable over an extended period of life, to the extent of baring the soul, mind and body. That brings divorce into perspective, for it is the ultimate betrayal of our deepest secrets and most private realities. No wonder God despises it.

A witness, in the case of a spouse, will unconsciously record our lives and acquire a deep knowledge of the real self. The Old Testament writers faithfully recorded all of their history and traditions, noting both good and bad stories, to enable future readers to legitimize the narrative both in terms of context and honesty. Whether telling of David’s embarrassing faux pas or Abraham’s denial of his wife or Peter’s denial of Jesus, bible writers were dispassionate and objective in their recording of real life as it unraveled throughout the biblical era.

I could certainly speak of my own errors and mistakes, my own follies and misjudgments. I could regale you with stories that are so embarrassing to me. I think of the loss of our life savings on a business venture and the subsequent pain that has brought to my family. I could also speak of the many occasions when I somehow managed to upset people and drive away good relationships. I am at peace about those things now, because God has brought healing, resolved the underlying causes of my life crises and lifted me to a place of wholeness, but the journey would hold no meaning for me, my family or those around me, unless it had been authenticated by evidence of real world struggles. It is because those things were so real, that I now have a story to tell and as such it is a story that promises relevant hope to many in similar predicaments.

Consider that a biblical requirement of a priest was that he should be able to identify with the needs of the people. No wonder then that after Peter stumbled, Jesus picked him up and led him back to His own sheep – in that sense God qualified Peter for ministry based on his real world experiences. Our reasonable hope is that God will use our failures to qualify us, unlike the world which uses our failures to disqualify us. David and Moses were both restrained by the slow, humbling, unhurried and reflective life of shepherds until they too learnt to translate shepherding into real world contexts.

So our life witness will eventually become our most substantive credential. It matters little what degrees you have or how high you have climbed in social or corporate life, for life has a way of delivering great levelers that ultimately discredit or marginalize those credentials – heck even by fifty your qualifications offer little or no currency in the business world. The only credentials that last are embedded in your life story and how it relates to those who follow you. But the person best qualified to validate your story is the man or woman who has spent a lifetime walking right next to you and was required to share all your burdens, tears, joys, pleasures and disappointments along that dusty road.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

About wives: She needs good communication

2008-03-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

As a communicator, she needs to talk, share, hear, but she also wants to be heard and understood..

She feels a fight is being resolved if they are still talking, he feels it is over when they stop talking. She will raise her hand and ask for help, he will find a cave somewhere and try to work it all out. She will get directions when lost but he will ride around, past filling stations and other sources of help, until he finds the place. She will know where the turnoff is even when she is not looking, but he will ride on by.

Now don’t get me wrong: I am a guy and fiercely loyal to guy-dom. My sons and I love all that makes us men, because we really just know how to have good old dirty fun and can find it in all kinds of cool things: explosives, fire, fishing, hiking, pranks …

I will do another series to help women relate to their men, because it is such a great need, but for now let’s just stick to the issues of men relating to their wives.

A woman is a communication-holic. Most women cannot survive without a network of friends, family and telephones to keep them connected to life. The modern workplace needs to adapt to that reality and encourage networking if they want to get the best out of their women employees.

Women solve things by talking, men solve things through reflection and contemplation, which is why Rodin’s Thinker is portrayed as a man. Look at the photos of famous statesmen and invariably the best shots are of men standing alone in deep thought. It is not wrong and many great leaders have wrestled with immense decisions by walking the lonely road reserved for great leaders.

But a woman is rarely able to function without opening up the discussion and incorporating many views. I do not think that makes women superior in the workplace, but it does bring a vital balance to the workplace, because women are biased towards a more consultative leadership style that can be very useful in some, but not all situations.

But if a husband forgets that she is a communicator he will stifle, frustrate and isolate her. Regardless of how they handle the rest of life, men need to realize that she cannot function without communication.

Here is a tip for younger men. Would you like to win a good life partner, well just learn to be a good listener and be interesting enough in conversation for women to feel okay with themselves and intrigued by you. Your looks will fade anyway and they never compare with her looks, so she closes her eyes to your lesser virtues, puts up her antennae and looks for signs of companionship, warmth, openness, humor, intelligence and so on. Her first impressions may be of a hunk, but it is the lasting impressions that really matter.

I can think of few things that have frustrated my wife more than her coming home to find me working when she has so much to share about her day. I learnt long ago to chase away the boys, pour a glass of wine for her and sit in the kitchen whilst she cooks, to chat, listen and share about the day. It can take as little as fifteen minutes for her to offload and feel connected, but often we will resume our discussions after supper or when we retire to bed.

She feels appreciated and fulfilled when she can open up, be heard and feel an empathetic response from me. Its like filling her tank. The male bladder has about 200 times the capacity of a woman’s – hers needs to be emptied often. That is a good analogy of her heart, which also needs to be topped up regularly.

A woman obviously doesn’t just communicate at one level, for she is multi-dimensional and complex. So she needs dinner and a show. You can’t just talk without showing. I remarked in a previous article how Eliza Dolittle said, “Don’t talk of love, show me”. Well maybe she wasn’t being totally fair to her gender, for most woman feel that talking is showing because it displays interest and concern. However, if communication is limited to a cranial level it will frustrate. She needs communication to connect with her wholeness. Touch is vital to her and so are gestures of love, like flowers or chocolates.

Men often speak of the complexity of women and I will at least agree that they are fascinating and mysterious, enough to keep us amused for a lifetime. I think that a woman provides us with some insight into the mysterious side of God’s character, for although a lot of His heart is revealed through factual words and laws or principles (manly responses), there is a side to Him that will always enthrall us and keep us searching for more – it will still be so billions of years from now.

However, I also believe that woman have an incredible simplicity, which is somewhat reflected in God as well. The Holy Grail, the sweet-spot of God, is not in garish religion or shiny religious artifacts – I want to retch at some of the things we have done to memorialize God when all He ever wanted was to be remembered in a simple traveling supper, a fellowship meal of such timeless finesse.

Listen men, beyond the apparent complexity of God and of women is an incredible simplicity – what she wants is what God wants – a relationship founded on love. Paul said, “When I was a child I handled childish things (contextually he is referring to the basics of our Christian ways and he potentially even casts things like faith and hope onto the same heap of “relatively” childish pastimes), but when I became a man (learnt about love and its value to my relationship with God), I put away childish things.”

I have found that simple love and acceptance actually brings acceptance, for it somehow anaesthetizes the nerves that link Paula’s eyes and ears to her heart. She is far less able to see my faults or criticize when she feels loved and accepted. I actually think a woman is quite simple, but veiled in mystery. We just need to work through the mystique to find the simplicity that lies beyond and in finding that both she and he will find mutual fulfillment and lingering contentment.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
Image source: http://reviveyourlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/wedding-water-291x300.jpg

About wives: See the whole me

2008-03-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

With complex wiring and a broad brain stem, women offer us tinkers, a fascinating, lifelong pastime.

A wife also needs to be seen as a whole. She is not a sexual object, nor even a prize to be worn on the arms of proud men. She is a living, breathing wholeness that cries out for completion more than men are able to understand.

Men are quite binary. Feed them, sex them, amuse them and rest them and they are reasonably content.

A man can get by on a fairly business-like partnership with his wife, but that will never fulfill her. She is just too complex. A man can be switched on to his wife (or any other female) in moments and lose interest as quickly, not so for a woman. A man could be as detached from his wife in lovemaking as a client is in a transient moment with a prostitute. His need is somewhat organic, fairly superficial and easily satisfied.

However, many of these supposedly negative attributes have positives. Men are less complex, less inclined to get hung up, but more readily stimulated. We are more fun loving, but better focused, both useful attributes of leadership. Generally men can detach their emotions and arrive at sober, objective decisions more effectively. Those virtues can be very useful to women, who will find a vital sounding board in a sensible man. She will worry more, but he will tend to bring perspective and minimize issues.

So she is really not like us. Her differences make her neither superior or inferior, just uniquely different and most definitely not to be confused, in any way whatsoever, with the unsubtle, basic needs of a man’s buddies. She is no buddy, she is woman.

I cannot hope to articulate the mysteries of women, without betraying my own shallow interpretation of a universal complexity. However, I have been married for some time and have faced many experiences, good and bad, that have given me some wisdom. It is not un-useful to just see her holistically:

She has a mind. Yep guys, she really has. If I knew then what I know now, I could probably have dated the best girls around: by relating to their inquisitive, intelligent minds through stimulating, multi-dimensional interaction. Discussions about food, football or beer are somewhat unchallenging to her, but engage her at a reasonably deep level and you’ll have friend for life. It may surprise many men that woman place relationships above looks and are quite willing to trade male prowess for healthy, stimulating relationships. They are also capable of loving and forgiving a man for all kinds of flaws and inadequacies, as long as the relationship is fulfilling.

She has eyes. Okay so you knew that one and the fact that she can also see around corners. But what I am saying here is that love must be visible, not mere symbols or innuendoes. She values tangible expressions of love and attaches huge value to things like flowers. It may be the least costly way to stimulate the relationship, but as happens at work, we often displace visible expressions of appreciation with cold, symbolic gestures that can go right over the heads of those we supposedly appreciate the most. As Eliza Dolittle sang, “Don’t talk of love, show me”.

She has ears. Oh yeah, you knew that too. So why do you think that it was enough to tell her about your love at the altar and then think that would do. She needs warm whispers floating down her ear canal to the rich strains of romantic music … she just does.

She has a sense of feeling. Her sexuality is not limited to her groin, unlike men who can package every drop of testosterone into a small sack and then go a wandering over hill and dale without coming back for a year and a day. She is a sexual wholeness. Every part of her cries out to be fed. She has nerve endings between her toes and fingers, behind her ears and in the small of her back that are also very sensual. It reminds me of a funny moment when I was cuddling my wife in the kitchen and the toaster popped … a good analogy of her responsiveness. That’s why her groin or breasts alone could never offer full knowledge of the total woman. No wonder Paul had to remind us to love our wives.

She has a heart. Yes, she is an emotional creature, with a profound capacity to love, embrace and care for those around her. She loves to cook (that is an ordeal for many men) and can convey tenderness that comes as close as humans can ever get to the essence of God’s tenderness. She can heal a broken man, give him self-belief, nurse him through illness and restore wounded pride, whilst preparing young lives for future greatness. But, as much as she can give, she also needs to receive.

And so … I give you woman. More complex than e=mc2, more passionate than a wild fire, more subtle than a soft breeze in summer, more multi-faceted than a diamond, more intriguing than the atom, more responsive than a purring cat, more persistent in her love than the waves on a beach and more complete than the greatest engineering can conceive.

God gave her to men so we would never be bored. She keeps us on our toes, never quite sure of ourselves, yet we feel so complete in her acceptance. She is also the great leveler, for only she could say to the greatest of men, “you Shmuck”.

© Peter Eleazar at http://www.bethelstone.com/
Sculture: I am woman, by VICTORIA VARLEY

About wives: Accept me

2008-03-14T05:53:00.000-07:00

Another recurring cry of wives, is for acceptance. Its urgency sets off alarm bells in our culture.

I find this particular need to be so high on the list of priorities that it sets off alarm bells.

I know there was a time when I was judgmental and intolerant, partly because of upbringing and partly because of my theological background. But having had two very normal boys has helped me to become more realistic. The boys may have some advantages, but they are still quite normal in their responses to the world around them. Without exposing their souls, let me simply say that many of their own personal struggles could have become major issues, if it were not for a value that our family has adopted, namely: to minimize issues and accept them as they are.

If I were to major on every issue, I would oppress my children. I do have certain no-fly zones, such as respect for authority, particularly parents and teachers (non-negotiable), personal discipline (clean nails, proper grooming and tidy bedrooms) and a few other things. But there are a zillion other things that I take to be normal and allow, choosing rather to nudge and guide the boys or teach about the consequence of their actions.

Now, if I am willing to do that for them, why not for my wife. Like me, she is not perfect. There I have said it, she is not perfect. I have more faults, but she has enough to write a book about. Even my boys sometimes complain about things she does, just as they are inclined to complain to her about me. When Danny was three he came to his mother and said, “Mom why did you marry that man?”

I do not believe God ever expected parents to be ideals or perfect models, because it is their humanity that provides such relevant instruction for their fertile souls. I put it to you that Jesus had an inadequate father, who never showed approval for what was happening in Jesus’ life. Was God crazy, did he get it wrong that such a special boy should be cast into such an inadequate home? Hey, regardless of catholic sentimentality, Mary was also far from perfect and really quite an ordinary woman in a less than perfect culture. Did that matter to God? Absolutely not. A relevant upbringing was vital to equipping Jesus as a practical, compassionate, understanding and relevant shepherd.

I heard a great preacher speak from his heart about tolerance within the context of family love. He chose a different path to his austere father, but he nonetheless chose a noble path. He preferred a different spiritual expression in a lively, dynamic church, but his dad wrote him off and was convinced his son was hell-bound, because he opted out of the teachings and structures that were more familiar to him. It took a lifetime for the two men to finally accept each other and heal such needless wounds.

If the dad had accepted their differences as part of our diversity and uniqueness, their relationship would have soared. But we are no better than him and we all live with some form of intolerance.

Denominations judge each other, church leaders impose norms of performance and acceptance and stifle their flocks, parents judge their children, husbands judge their wives and children see their parents through their own cultural lenses. It goes further: blacks hate whites, whites condescend to blacks, men marginalize women, women emasculate men. How can we live peaceably with each other under such conditions?

I read of a woman who forever criticized her husband. It so affected their relationship that he found himself fulfilling her worst expectations: a kind of pygmalion effect, the kind that predefined Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady. Basically he was so insecure that it made him clumsy and more prone to mistakes. A marriage was headed for the scrapheap until one day she decided that she had no right to fault her husband, for he deserved to be accepted in his own home. When she stopped trying to change him, he regained enough self-assurance to change himself and they drew closer to each other. Their marriage was healed by the application of a godly principle by an “ungodly” women.

So husbands, as much as you want that same acceptance, understand that, generally speaking, men can find acceptance and identity outside of the home, in their jobs, golf scores or other competencies. Woman (yes even successful ones), draw their identity from their families, their husbands and their homes. If she does not find acceptance at home she will be at odds with herself out there in the world.

Look at Bill and Hilary Clinton as an example and see how supportive he is towards his wife. He appreciates her and provides such seasoned, sound advice and wisdom to Hilary, whilst being her number one fan. Do you think she glows because of her public acceptance or because she has an admiring, loving and supportive husband? You be the judge.

Jack Nicklaus, one of the greatest golfers of all times spoke of the peace of mind and contentment that characterized his game and he attributed that to a loving wife. He could focus on his game because he knew that she was covering his back, looking after things that would otherwise distract him. That speaks of a mature relationship based on unselfish acceptance and it enable her to become the biggest beneficiary of her husbands’ success, whilst secretly being the wind beneath his wings and his private place of refuge from a harsh, competitive world.

Regardless of how you look at life, acceptance is a fundamental, basic need and a right within every marriage. Sure you have a right to challenge some things, because the alternative is to be repressed and unhappy with things that are really distracting, but you have no right to deal with those issues unless your point of departure is acceptance.

This is probably a key reason why marriages fail and indeed it sets up one of the greatest vulnerabilities to extra-marital relationships, namely a deep cry for self-esteem that often falls prey to flattery and the wiles of sexual predators.

People who are intolerant and harsh towards each other, don’t realizing that criticism actually reflects more against them than against the object of their criticism, for it reveals a shallow, immature and insecure character that has no capacity for magnanimity. Only confident people can be generous and accepting of others, so if you aren’t, start looking into your own heart for I bet that a lot of the problems in your relationship start with you.

© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com
Image: Acceptance, by Elizabeth Silk, American Fine Art

About wives: Our men must live in authority

2008-03-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Another male role is to anchor roles and be a backbone of authority in healthy, balanced families.

The need for authority is a tough and thorny subject to work through.

Let me start by bringing some balance. I believe women all over the world have been oppressed for far too long, yet they have so ably proved themselves in the workplace and in the life of the church. Many ministers will tell you that the backbone of their congregations comprises women and many bosses will tell of the competence of women employees. They are also more resilient, able to multi-task and blessed with a very real intuition that is vital to effective decision-making in politically tainted contexts. Solomon also recognized these virtues in Proverbs 31:10-31.

I have spoken in a separate context about the social order of the African Lion and shown how the females do most of the real stuff that keeps the pride going. They obviously bear and raise the next generation, but they also hunt for food, hold the pride together, train the younger lions and so on. The males don’t do as much, but their focus is vital to the sustainability of the pride.

The males define and preserve the social order. They slap the young into line and enforce discipline. I cannot foresee male lions becoming effeminate, sloppy or weak, for it would destroy lions as we know them. The most important function of the male lion is to mark and protect the boundaries of the pride. If he does that well, the pride is able to live, eat and sleep well and the females will then happily do all the other things that are so vital to pride life.

He really has to take some big hits against pretenders to his throne and many lions die in such encounters. Unfortunately, if the dominant male is beaten, the existing pride faces great risks for the interlopers will kill the young, eject older cubs and alter the whole balance in the pride.

The male role in the family is a role amongst roles. It is not the only authority, nor is He able to do as much as the wife will often do, in the home that is. Okay, some of that is changing in the modern era and roles are being shared more so that families can survive modern pressures. However, whilst she is essentially better equipped for many domestic roles, she is limited where he is strong. A man can impose discipline by his presence and voice, where she will fail even if she becomes a screaming banshee.

Whatever your delicate views on this sensitive subject I hope you are mature enough to see that I am referring to role diversification and the value of complementary roles, for that is the stuff of really successful homes. Wherever I discuss these issues, women complain that the few areas where men are uniquely more effective are the same areas where men are all too frequently reneging on their God-ordained functions.

Boys and girls get their sexual identity from their fathers. They also acquire their concept of God from their fathers. Life experience has also convinced me that no matter how loving and caring mothers are, few people have ever found fulfillment outside of the approval of their fathers. The pains I hear expressed so often are pains relating to childhood and development experiences between fathers and their children.

A father is a vital role anchor for children and wives and helps them all keep in touch with what they were meant to be. He can help a successful business-women regain perspective on her femininity in a harsh, often brutal world. He can help her feel fulfilled beyond anything that her work can ever do, for secretly she ultimately works to provide for her family, unlike men who can actually find fulfillment in their work alone. Similarly children use their dads to set their own compasses and to test whether they are finding their mark in life.

He is a vital reference point to the family. He is also the defender and protector of his family and by that I refer not just to physical threats to the home, which men tend to handle better. He is also the defender of values, principles and traditions, preserving his family against the corruption of the world and the influences around us. He plays a vital role in all of these.

Women may well resent the implications of all of this for decision making. I am not of the view that leaders in any situation should be unilateral. I favor a consultative, inclusive and mediated approach to all decision making, because each member of the family, especially the wife, is a vital stakeholder in the destiny of the family.

I have made some foolish decisions on my own, but have always arrived at more balanced solutions when I consult with my family and we pray through things together. God may hold a father accountable for the outcomes, but the process should still be inclusive, for that makes each member of the family feel needed and valuable. More importantly, inclusion equips the family for their own respective life roles by teaching them principles of good decision-making and leadership. The greatest role of a father is to equip his children to leave home with confidence in their ability to thrive in life.

(c) Peter Eleazar at http://www.bethelstone.com/

About wives: Men please be men

2008-02-27T03:11:00.000-08:00

The third need of a wife is for her man to fulfil his role, whilst complementing hers.

In all armies, role differentiation is very clear. Infantry members do not cook, but they would be useless if the cooks did not cook. Likewise tank drivers are not medics, but they are grateful that medics command their specialization, for that has saved many lives. It’s no less useful if minesweepers decide that they might be good pilots, or if fighter pilots try to do bridge-building. A good army requires mustering. If each person does what they are trained for, the team works well and is effective in executing its overall responsibility.

When a general is told to establish an army, it is a sense of overall organization that occupies his mind. He does not simply go out and raise up a whole lot of front-line fighters, but builds a broad-based, diverse corps of well-trained specialists. The better he does that, the more effective he will be at delivering his mandate.

Now God also designed the marriage to work around complementary roles. The family is the most discrete battle unit under God’s command. He specifically equipped husbands and wives for different and interdependent roles. As children take up the slack in the home and assume their own usefulness, their roles further enrich the overall effectives of the family battle unit.

The word, “androgynous” came up at our breakfast table today. I went to the Internet to find its meaning. It means, “not obviously gender consistent, as in when “males” are not obviously masculine or females are not obviously feminine”.

I fear that our world, which loves to pigeon-hole everything, has tended to over-classify ambiguity. A softer male, is not effeminate per se, for I have seen many gentler men make outstanding fathers or husbands and I have seen disfunctionality in many macho men.

The classification of people who don’t fit our gender stereotypes has at least partly reinforced homosexuality. The biblical gender role of a father or husband is clearly to shepherd what God entrusts to him. David was a shepherd, so were Jacob, Abel, Abraham and Moses. Clearly the bible was not merely referring to their careers, but to their social roles. They were shepherds of men as well.

For a woman to be effective in the world, and I am of the view that the bible makes adequate room for feminine empowerment and significance in the world, she needs a platform. It is a brutal world for women, for which their instinctive approach to the complex dynamics of the workplace involves networking and relationship building. Men need to acquire some of those skills and by that I am merely alluding to the healthy attributes of collaboration and the value of adapting to new ways of surviving in an ever-changing world.

The problem for women is that whilst networking may be a vital part of their survival, it is also generally not encouraged in a male-dominated workplace. This can lead to frustration and depression. So how does she cope without a safe, trusted network to relate to? Well she has a ready-made one to come home to, if she could only see her husband as a vital role anchor.

One vital value of a husband is in helping a woman stay in touch with her own feminism and to keep herself on the level in an ambiguous world. It is as true for men in their relationship with their wives.

The other, even more vital role, is to help her focus on what she was designed for. If men would fulfill what God designed them for, women would find it easier to find their own rhythm and experience fulfillment.

Women are generally limited at discipline issues in the home or in the handling of threats to the home. Men are better at those roles and have particular strengths in decision making that are well complemented by wise women. This is a sensitive thing, but what Paula brings in terms of that indefinable sixth sense or intuition is such a vital input to my own decision making, but what I bring in terms of unemotional decisiveness has spared us many problems, especially in the handling of our boys. How many times I looked beyond her emotional concern about the boys and found a balanced perspective in discussion with teachers. That not only saved the boys from pain, it also sheltered Paula from what could have become an awkward backlash or an embarrassing consequence.

Hey, I can’t explore all the angles here and I want to avoid typecasting anyone. The principles I allude to here are not finite, for we are all unique individuals in our own peculiar social, cultural and familial contexts. I merely want to state that a woman needs her man to find his role within the male identity that brought him and her together. Abdication of a man’s role frustrates his woman and leaves her unfulfilled within a cloud of gender ambiguities.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

About wives: I need love, affection, intimacy

2008-02-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

Affection is one of greatest needs of wives, from their husbands: it defines the whole relationship.

Paul said in Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives”. In the same context he also said wives submit to your husbands. I know that is controversial and I really don’t need to go there right now, except to say this: there are reciprocal needs in a relationship. To make the fulfillment of one reasonable, other needs must also be addressed.

I think the world has become “win: win” in its thinking: it is selfish and only acts in response to what it gets. But Godly love is about trust, a trust that says I love fully without expectation of recompense.

When love is betrayed, count that as a violation of trust and deal with it appropriately. I don’t only refer to infidelity, but to any breech of trust between partners. I do not advocate a managed relationship, where each party jealously watches the other – that is not trust and it will also lead to frustration and a sense of being trapped. Trust is trust, the currency of love.

But, get mad, very mad and be totally offended when trust is broken. In football a yellow card is used to cite first offences, followed by a red card, discipline, suspension and all kinds of problems for any player who violates the spirit of the game. I advocate much the same for marriage – it is unacceptable to violate the spirit of a relationship and both parties need to be clear about their response to such infringements.

So the first rule about love in marriage, is trust. It is about love given without any expected compensation. The power to compensate is not demanded by the giver, but freely given by the receiver: else it is not love but duty. That is exactly how God loves us: unconditionally. He also gets really angry and has done dangerous things when His trust in people has been violated.

Love for a woman, is somehow connected to her optic ad auditory nerves. The more she is loved, the more it blinds and deafens her to a husband’s otherwise obvious flaws. I think that is true of God as well, for His Word says, "Love covers a multitide of sins (flaws)". His relationship with us is not rule-based or petty, but noble, focusing on love and mutuality, not faults. Faults become the currency of religion, when our faith becomes one of duty and dogma.

Love for a woman, builds her up and gives her the support she needs to be the woman she was meant to be. She will actually start to look more lovely and shapely, just because of love. I read a psychiatrist’s report on his treatment of a young lesbian (butch) woman. Evidently she had become butch because she had tried to be the husband to her mother that her father never was. It tightened her buns, her back, her torso and her neck to give her awkward male looks. When the doctor helped her to forgive her Dad and let go of what she could never change, she become more aware of her femininity. As that brought a lover into her life, her tightness visibly evaporated and she developed normal feminine curves. The curves expressed her sense of fulfillment in womanhood, but it will take less than a repressive father to turn a lovely young bride into a spotty, unkempt fishwife.

A woman must feel loved and desirable, if she is to express desirable characteristics. She is like a canvas, the husband like a painter. He has the power to transform her potential into something beautiful, just as Christ did for His church. She is like a musical instrument and he has the power to extract the sweetest song, the greatest beauty from even a relatively plain looking woman.

I have observed hardness in many externally beautiful women, contrasted by a desirable softness and warmth in many lesser beauties. The determining factor is an inner beauty that comes from a deep sense of well-being and fulfillment. Happy is the man, who having so pleased his wife, enjoys the fruits of his labors.

© Peter Eleazar at http://www.bethelstone.com/

About wives: Series on their needs

2008-02-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

What does a woman want? Mel Gibson had some ideas, but he cheated. Maybe it is time for another look.

It does seem that the needs of married men and women compete with each other within marriage. He seems to prefer physical things, she is more emotional. She is maternal, he paternal. He has a protective instinct; she is inclined to be more vulnerable. He is often more game for wild things; she tends to be more sensible. He tends to see things on the surface; she tends to see below the surface of people and issues.

Okay I guess there is enough generalization there to keep us busy awhile, but there are other idiosyncrasies that do seem to characterize a woman’s need quite well. These observations have held consistent for me across a wide spectrum. They have been true of high powered women and housewives. They are consistent across degrees of beauty, age, health and state of life.

The first relates to her locus of identity. I have struggled for years to accept the point I will make here, but have had to accept it as valid. A man’s identity tends to come from his work and his peers, but a woman’s identity is largely rooted in her husband. Now that is going to sit very uncomfortably with single women, for whom I have sympathy. But even the bible makes allowances for the different needs of a single woman. So for now, can we limit this discourse to marriage.

I have tried to shift Paula’s centre of gravity closer to God, I guess because of some of the tough experiences we have been through and because it demands somewhat from a man to be her anchor. But the more I have ignored the need, the more I have frustrated my wife. She is very competent and could find adequate fulfillment in the feedback she gets from her employers, but there seems to be no substitute for my own support and appreciation. She can go far on my encouragement but falter without it, regardless of other considerations.

Of course I must concede that if I persisted in ignoring this need, she would adapt, for she is capable: but I would be the loser and she would remain unfulfilled.

I once worked with a very successful vice president of a large multi-national. She once asked me to give her a lift home from the airport, to which I inquired: “What about your husband?” In the car she opened up and said that whilst they were happily married, her success had made her quite self-reliant. In reply to this, I said: “Well then its no wonder he doesn’t come to fetch you from the airport”. She had adapted to the point where she lived in denial of her real need and this sent wrong signals to him about her vulnerability. As most guys are quite happy to opt out of their roles, these two both ended up missing each other.

The late great American comedian, Erma Bombeck, whilst being very successful in her own right, confessed to her need for the refuge, solace and encouragement of her husband. She had a powerful, self-reliant role that never diminished her fundamental feminism or the needs that go with that.

God made the genders to be interdependent and to help define respective roles. I was in a border war, where we lived exclusively amongst men. Even the flowers stood in perfect little rows and were uprooted if they failed to stand with military rigidity. It was a spartan, soulless environment until it was totally transformed by the presence of one female. Without implying any sexual connotations, it would be fair to say that she humanized and softened the entire camp, bringing our soldierly roles into proper perspective. We had forgotten why we were there, until she came along and reminded us of the women and children whose futures depended on our present struggles.

Men help to provide the contrast by which women distinguish their own identities, but the approval, acceptance, love and encouragement of a personally significant man in a woman’s life, helps to cement her role and bring it to glowing fulfillment: within her career and in her home.

By implication a weak male role blurs a woman’s role, leading to dissonance and frustration. It also requires her to live outside of her comfort zone, fighting fights for which he is better equipped. One of the most notable role conflicts relates to child discipline, which men can address largely by their physical presence and commanding voices. I have rarely seen any woman do it as effectively: rather I have seen women try with great frustration to discipline children who respond by goading her into anger and vulnerability. I remember my own mother breaking a bicycle pump over my head in a moment of similar frustration. I knew I deserved it too, for I had discovered exactly how to get under her skin – I just exposed the flaws in her assumed role.

In my professional life, I found many women who were able to preserve their own femininity within a tough corporate life. They were also the one’s who always spoke of an anchor back home. The role of a wise, masculine and effective man in providing her with a role anchor, is vital to her sense of wellbeing and fulfillment.

The next important role relates to love and affection.

© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Never give up

2008-02-11T00:56:00.000-08:00

Lifelong intimacy defines the sexuality of its partners and the partnership that we call marriage.
A man known for his prowess was asked how he would define great sexuality. His answer was, “A man who enjoys a lifelong intimacy with one woman and a woman who is satisfied to reciprocate over that same lifetime.”

The world we live in is so transient, so dispensable. In the US it is quite commonplace for people to buy new electronic equipment instead of repairing what is broken, because the cost of repairing is prohibitive. That suggests that the cost of maintenance or sustainability is no longer viable. The cost of preserving the world and fixing what breaks is less relevant than the value of pumping out new products that further diminish the life expectancy of the planet.

In many first world countries sell-by food that would feed the teeming millions dying all over the planet is deliberately trashed to avoid any litigation that might arise out of the consumption of such food by charities. Wow, so we are happy to waste away and do nothing to reinvest in the world that has provided us with so much. Indeed, George Bush reneged on environmental protocols because he felt that progress was more important to his constituencies than preservation is to the future of our children.

Thus we live our lives every day, happy with new things until the novelty wears off. Then we dispose or trade in the old for something newer, because we are victims of pervasive advertising. So we will have nice little novelties that gurgle and smile whilst they are infants and then reject them when the real cost of maintaining children starts to impact on our selfish little lives. Or we proudly walk the aisle and make promises, for the sake of tradition, with every intention of making a marriage last until the novelty wears off and a newer model becomes available.

There is no fulfillment in any of that. It is a great delusion. People abandon great causes for almost nothing, trading their birthrights for measly morsels.

Hey, I am no theorist. I cannot share my own pains in deference to others I care for, but take it from me that I have paid a big price to stay married. But in doing so I have found a deepening affection and trust for someone that will eventually have to share her love for me in very basic and practical ways, in between shifts of baby sitting for the legacy we hope to leave in the earth. We have scars and wounds aplenty, but shared memories that are so worth preserving.

Marriage is not for sissies. It probably does more to define a real man and a real woman than any other activity known to humans. It is the stuff of everyday heroism and real character. To they that overcome will be given surpassing rewards and a level of intimacy that will become more fulfilling with each passing year.

As Winston Churchill once said, “Never give up. Never, never, never give up.” He only fought a world war, but when we fight for our marriages, our fight has eternal implications.

© Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

It just keeps getting better

2008-02-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

Intimacy is evidently best amongst married and committed couples and can get even better with time.
An aged couple were sitting around the breakfast table, when she looked at the old guy reading the paper in front of her and said: “Arthur”. “Uh-huh”, came the typical reply. But she persisted enough for him to lower his paper and remove his spectacles: “Yes dear, what is it?”

“Arthur, do you remember how we once sat around a breakfast table like this and took off all our clothes, giggling like naughty school kids?” “Yes, I remember it. The next year our firstborn arrived, how could I ever forget such exciting times”. They laughed and sighed at the memories.

“Arthur”, she continued, just as a he started to replace his spectacles, “wouldn’t you like to relive that moment?”

Somewhat abashed, the old man just answered her question with his own more awkward questions. “Arthur, my breasts are so hot for you dear”, she crooned. “Well maybe, Mavis, it’s because one is almost in your porridge and the other is in the toast.”

I used to do Family Life conferences and once read in our material, that conservative Baptist women were reporting a better sex life than many contemporary younger people. I can imagine what was going on in their minds as they eyed their husbands swaying to church music in an otherwise serious Sunday service.

I don’t wish to be crude in all this, merely to provoke married couples to work towards real intimacy, whilst provoking unmarried people to hold out for the wonder of marriage. Marriage provides a safe context of mutual trust that enables couples to enjoy a depth, intensity and honesty that is rarely possible in extramarital love. Oh sure, sex with a relative stranger is probably wildly exciting, I am guy enough to understand that. But intimacy (not exclusively sex) with a lifetime partner is beyond comparison.

It is an experience that also provides a good thermostat for testing how the relationship is doing. If there is a cooling off, a real relationship is in a far better place to make appropriate corrections to daily schedules, work pressures, priorities, time-out and health issues. So an intimate, life-time relationship is also key to a longer, more fulfilled life and statistics indicate that ultimately such couples are also wealthier and more effective.

One profound by-product of an intimate marriage is less selfish, more confident and better balanced children. So in addition to all the other benefits you even get a low maintenance home. Wow!!

Don’t we all want these things? Then why do we settle for less?

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

What's happening to me

2008-02-01T02:02:00.000-08:00

Changes that happen in adolescents are wondrous, powerful and scary. Stay close and support them..

When my firstborn crossed the invisible line of childhood, shut that door and passed into manhood, we honored the moment. Over the ensuing year he was farmed out to other significant men in my culture for mentorship and preparation. Then the day came and we had a party to which only adults were invited – to avoid embarrassment and because of the poignancy of the moment.

Tim was baptized that day, then we had a sumptuous meal in his honor. Afterwards the guests shared insights and scriptures with him, providing inclusion and a sense of belonging for Tim. Later I gave him a basic wooden box, in which was written “we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the glory may be of God and not ourselves.” In the box was a broken wineglass, symbolizing the fragility of life and how difficult it is to repair what we break. A burnt scroll alluded to an earlier lesson about fire – it contained words of inspiration and acceptance that were witnessed by each person present. A compass symbolized direction, a penknife symbolized resourcefulness. All of these gifts were given so that in the years to come Tim will be able to reflect on the most significant moment of his life and draw inspiration.

When we were done, Tim delivered an acceptance speech and then Paula, Dan and I held him close, something he was uncomfortable about. But this was followed by a symbolic pushing away and entrusting of his life to other men. I said, “having held you so close, we now let you go for these are now your brothers, fathers (and mothers and sisters)’, just as Jesus once said.

I made the point that although the passage to manhood bridged an invisible line, the differences either side of the line were as significant as the differences for people living either side of a national border. Things may look the same, but rights, responsibilities, entitlements, status and identity are compellingly different.

Now, some months later that reality has hit home and Tim has felt the mantle of manhood settle on his shoulders. He is facing all the challenges that go with it; peer pressure, sexual pressure, performance pressure, responsibility, self-management and so much more.

I refuse to call him a teenager and his new school addresses him as a gentleman. Whoever invented the stereotypes of teenagerdom had a dim view of the potential and dignity of this awesome season in a young person’s life.

Now, as Tim confronts his struggles he is reminded that on the day we honored him, we also broke the rod of authority in half and cast that it into his memory box. Now is not a time for instruction, but rather a time for coaching and support. Young people have enormous potential and just need counsel, prayer, a ready ear and an empathetic heart (to every subject they raise), in order to cope with the challenges facing them.

If you love your children, go and do likewise.

© Peter Eleazar at http://www.bethelstone.com/

We didn't start the fire ..

2008-01-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

Boys will be boys. Fire is in their hearts and loins. It was always that way and it will always be that way. It is part of their mystique. It defines their power. It describes their adventurism. But most of all it will be the mark of their manhood.
Some time back, my firstborn set fire to our backyard. It was an inferno that drew neighbours who came to our rescue with hosepipes and other help. At one point I heard the neighbour shout, "What happened?" I replied, "I have sons". It was explanation enough.

This was not the first incident either. A few years ago the same boy got me involved in an experiment that blew up in our faces. I received 2nd and 3rd degree burns, which almost completely healed.

After the more recent fire I sat my son down, knowing he needed to be debriefed to move on. However, as his traumur was punishment enough I went easy on him. I also had a most teachable moment that I was not about to waste.

I said to him that men have always had fire. They harnessed it to warm their caves, cook food, protect their families from marauding beasts and ward off enemies. More recently they shaped fire into guns and bombs that they used to win wars for king and country.

But I then went on to say that, as much as fire and our instinct to burn things is wired into the male brain, it is our ability to control fire that defines us.

When we stop spilling fire, burning down the neighbourhood or scalding cats, we must prove our maturity through self-management.

I then referred to another fire, the fire that would burn in his groin. At the time our school wanted the youth to go through a promise ceremony and accept a ring as a symbol of their commitment to purity until marriage. Because my son had no concept of what was at stake I waved off the ring, much to his chagrin.

Two years later he turned to me in a quiet moment and said, "Dad, now I understand why you would not let me wear that ring." I then offered him a ring, but on his terms. He delined, not because he had other plans, but because we had a sound basis to work through such struggles together. He knows I pray for him and it is enough.

However, after the fire I said, "one of the things that will mark a man is his ability to manage and channel the awesome power that God has vested in him, in order to harness his fire for life, not destruction and wantoness

He looked at me knowingly and understanding passed between us. A teachable moment came and went and a foundation was laid that will hopefully see him through to adulthood and beyond. It was the most and the least I could give him as he faces one of the great dilemmas of manhood: we need sexual energy to give us drive and verve, yet we need to manage it as proof of our character and validation of our manhood.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Life: A priceless gift

2008-01-19T05:57:00.000-08:00

Mother’s eyes closed and her thin arms went limp in death and I wept. After 101 years, her frail little body couldn’t go on struggling to live. It was a blessing to know that she was with the Lord and happy, but she had filled a place in the family that no one could replace. I realized then how much I hated death and the sorrow it leaves in its wake.

A minister at a funeral explained that dying is much like the birth process. The unborn baby is comfortable and has everything he or she needs. When the time is right to be born, it is a difficult and traumatic process for the baby to leave the comfort of the womb and be thrust into another life. If the baby knew and understood how much better it would be for him when he arrived in his new life, he would be eager to come. So it is when we die. We hold on dearly to this life, but it is just the “womb” preparing us for the life to come. Even though we hate death and the resulting sadness of families and friends, this concept gives a fresh view of our lives and the process of dying.

The Bible tells us that God shapes us by various means and experiences. As Christians, we strive to walk according to God’s Word, but sometimes we fail and may deliberately rebel and make destructive choices. Regardless, the Lord can use whatever happens in our lives to help us grow into mature Christians when we bring it to Him.

“We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28, NKJV). How the Lord proceeds to fulfill this promise may take a form we may not expect or recognize. The benefit may be just the discipline learned and patience gained, which shapes us into the men and women He wants us to be. This priceless process is one of His ways to prepare us for the final journey home to heaven.

When we are touched by the death of a loved one, we often gain a new appreciation for life. Our society puts number one first. “Climb the ladder of success,” it says, “and grab everything you can.” How tragic to use these precious moments of life only for our own benefit.

As we age, we have a clearer insight into the value of using our time to glorify God. Certainly the Lord means for us to supply the needs of our families and ourselves and tend to our daily tasks. He also knows we need times of refreshing by rest and relaxation to enjoy the blessings that He has given us. These times produce rich memories. Glorifying God doesn’t mean giving up on living; but rather, being conscious of the Holy Spirit’s leading in how to spend our time and resources. It is human and easy to indulge ourselves with overspending, foolish entertainment, and wasting time.

Each life is precious in the sight of God. Spending the moments of our lives on foolishness is much like squandering our money and then ending up with nothing in a savings account. Only what we do for the Lord will last forever. Therefore, let us ask the Lord to help us treat our lives, and the time He has given us, as we would care for a priceless treasure. Once it’s gone, it can’t be restored.

© 2005 Savoy River, all rights reserved

Raising balanced children

2008-01-11T06:06:00.000-08:00

Some children set their site password to "MickeyMinnieGoofieDonald”.

When asked why, they said that the site required them to enter at least “four characters”.

The password or access key to successful parenting also has four characters, namely Godparentteachercommunity. These four primary influences bring balance to a developing child. They are like tag-team wrestlers, for just as soon as we recover from the struggles in one corner, the parent or the teacher tags another of the team and a new struggle starts. In some respects community is where we get broad, street-wise sensibility. No teacher will ever tell you: “Don’t tease your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat”, or “never dare your little brother to paint Dad’s car” or “avoid food that moves on its own”. Sage wisdom like “wait till your mom is on the phone before asking her to sign your report”, is also learnt in the community.

Friends, siblings and fellows, teach us to grow up, stand together and work as a team. The teacher is so vital to child development, A child was asked a question by her teacher, to which she replied, “what do you think?” In response she defiantly said, “I don’t THINK, I KNOW”, to which the learner replied, “well I don’t think I know either”. With time we all learn that teachers are far too wise and experienced to stay ahead of them.

This brings me to parents. Well now that’s a group of people we all try to get around and it’s a struggle that rages through childhood, until we wake up one day (quite near to our fortieth birthday), and realize they were right after all. At three my youngest battled to get us to work with him. He had already dismissed my help, shouting, “Mom, why did you marry that man”, but needed to sort out his older brother. “Mommy, my brother hit me”, he cried one morning, only to be told, “no, we don’t tell on our brothers unless they are in danger”. Five minutes later the same little mudpile waddled back into the kitchen on stubby little legs declaring, “Mommy, my brother’s in danger”. “Why is he in danger?” asked Mom, “because he hit me”, came the reply. Such is the struggle of a parent, that they need to work through these kinds of issues and still keep a straight face.

Don’t think God has it any easier. If God could He would strongly advise the average boy not to try baptizing the family cat. Like the teacher, parent and the community, God is a source of vital wisdom that prepares us for life. But its in the nature of a child to apply such wisdom selectively, as when a child was told, “David, wait before you tuck in - Jesus would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake””, to which David said, ”Hey John, you can be Jesus”.Yet God does put the lonely in families, its all part of His great provision for our lives. A pastor prayed, “Lord may these children grow up in good Christian homes”, to which Sam commented, “but Mom and Dad, I would rather live with you guys”.

The reality is that teachers, parents and our communities are not perfect, but no one else in all the earth can do parenting as well as parents do it, and there is no better way to extend that parenting, than through the community of wise teachers, good friends and a healthy spiritual family. Above all, we thank God, who knows us by name and will still hold our hands in life when our parents, teachers and friends are gone.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

The bottom line

2008-01-05T06:13:00.000-08:00

The most important thing for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

The most important ingredient for any healthy and effective family, is respect for authority.

In the army I once got too familiar with a senior officer. He had been friendly earlier so it seemed reasonable to joke a bit with him. He quickly put me in my place, because I was embarrassing him in front of others and I was taking liberties.

There is an instinct within all of us to test the boundaries of relationships. It looks for weaknesses and tries to exploit them, partly out of a need to define oneself. The most persistent battlefield though is in the family, where parents need to maintain a certain tension in the home to keep it together.

During my time in the army we had some mean leaders. They would haul us out of bed at 2 am to evaluate the capacity of our bladders or chase us off into the hills to find a leaf and then send us back for the other leaf.

We have also all had bosses like that. They would be gruff and unreasonable and strict. I even had it at school, where we used to have caning-relays, going round the class to each collect as many cuts as possible – great icebreaker on a cold day.

No permanent harm was ever done, most of us benefited, morale was high and memories were lingering. We had such war stories to relate to each other and had such fun getting almost into trouble or just out of trouble.

Although many of the discipline methods I have faced have become irrelevant in our modern world, discipline did create healthy tensions. Sloppiness, disrespect and untidiness were far from our minds. We were aware of what had to be done to survive and get through each day. There was a clear line that we would not cross, because every time we tried, something went badly wrong.

These tensions could be described as backbone, the solid foundation on which everything else is built. It ensures readiness, commitment, awareness, attention to detail, loyalty … all wonderful virtues to take into life. People who grow up outside such environments actually battle to fit in and they work against themselves – in fact the rest of the team will often censure them.

My eldest son is playing rugby. The disciplines for messing around during practices, include press-ups and running around the field. In the years to come I believe this will help adjust my son to real life. I find that ex sportsmen generally make very good employees because they have learnt: discipline, team work, how to handle pain, etc.

So when I tested my sergeant I tampered with a vital part of what makes a good army work. I was trying to undermine the healthy tension between leaders and followers. Loss of respect for leaders can cost lives in the army and it breeds low morale, disinterest, in fighting, restlessness and insecurity.

When a parent allows a child to cross that last frontier into the forbidden territory of familiarity and disrespect, it can lead seriously damage their sense of self, confidence, relational maturity and their ability to negotiate life realistically. Appropriate discipline is needed to nip such behavior in the bud.

Initially discipline starts with building clear and certain (never oppressive) fences around a child - "do this, do that, etc". With time fences must grow in their hearts, in the form of character and wisdom, the ability to discern right from wrong and make sound decisions. At that stage we must gradually remove the external fences, until the internal fences define them.

James Dobson relates how he was firmly disciplined as a young boy. It helped him to grow up with a healthy awareness of the consequences of disrespect, whilst still feeling memorably loved.

I can relate to that: one day I drove my Mom to the point where her frustration welled up and she broke a bicycle pump over my head – in my surprise I suddenly found new expressions of respect, like: “Wow, way to go Mom”.

Boundaries must never be defined by the child. Parents must set boundaries and maintain them. “When they test the lines and challenge you to react, REACT - stop it immediately”, otherwise by definition the line has been moved – and it will continue to move until it gets out of control.

Children analyze their boundaries. We are just as analytical in defying authority: we understand the official speed limit, but want to know what is the unofficial limit at which the authorities will actually take action. Or we excuse daily transgressions, allowing our own lines to drift until something goes wrong.

As Rudoph Giuliani proved in his celebrated anti-crime strategy, only a zero tolerance approach will restore the boundaries and renew social integrity. Parents also need a zero tolerance approach - never abdicate the line of authority, for in doing so you abdicate parenthood.

In the TV sitcom “8 simple rules”, Cate (a single mother) takes courageous and effective steps to restrain her teenage daughters Bridget and Kerry and her son Rory. The kids try everything to undermine her, but she never backs down and has very clear boundaries (8 simple rules) – a good, albeit humorous example for all.

Every good home needs its own simple, non-negotiable rules. Cate’s rules relate to the dating of her daughters, we need them to save our families.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

I will build you a house

2007-12-20T00:27:00.000-08:00

After a long, dry season, we put our house up for sale. It took the last half of that season to sell, but a year later an offer was placed before us. That night I talked to my family about the offer and we all reflected on how much we had loved the house that God had given us to live in. After supper I retired early as I wanted to sleep on the offer and get up early to pray about it.

As I prepared for bed, I felt God urging me to open my bible. I then read from Psalm 126, David speaking, "I have love the house that you gave us to live in". It was an uncanny moment, but the NIV specifically cast David's word in the past perfect tense. I sensed God was acknowledging that we needed to let go of something of value and He was showing us that this was of Him.

I read further and at the end of the chapter, God spoke to David and said, "I will place level ground beneath you". All building starts with a leveling process, using foundations to create an artificial level that is vital to sound building. The greatest of builders knew that we needed solid ground for our future, but He also knew that we needed a foundation that would ensure a sound structure in our lives. In place of the uncertainty that faced us, God now revealed a future of certainty.

In Psalm 127 David speaks of building on a solid rock and making God His house, His dwelling place. This spoke to of finding security, not in brick and mortar, but in the purposes of God. In fact, David, in Psalm 23, implied that finding a dwelling in God was a permanent thing. He confirmed that surely goodness and mercy would stay with Him always and that He would dwell in God's house forever.

David was a man given to building. He and his descendants built a physical house for a spiritual God, but mighty as her walls were, Jerusalem fell - time and time again. He also sought to build a temple for God, but that task fell to His son Solomon, but magnificent as Solomon's labors were, his workmanship barely outlasted the corruption of his own heart.

As the nation slumped into a moral morass, the Persians plundered the city and led her people into captivity. The Romans also occupied the City and Herod, who built a new and truly awesome temple, occupied the walls of Jerusalem with a Roman guard. Titus then razed the city to the ground in AD70 and the Muslims later built the "abomination of desolation" on Judaism's most sacred temple mount. Even now a portion of the ancient city is in Palestinian hands.

As the great wall of China kept away the enemy without but failed to stop the enemy within, so David's city, a symbol of security and refuge, failed to be a true house.

But God promised in 2 Samuel 7, to establish a house for David that would never fail and that would give him a secure rest from his struggles. The concept of a "house" in the bible, refers to a legacy, a lineage. Moses was a servant in his own house, but Jesus is a son over his house (Hebrews 3). The house of Abraham referred to his descendants that would become like the stars of the sky and the sands of seashore for multitude. It was the idea of a lasting legacy that kept Abraham faithful to God's call and it so appealed to his grandson, Jacob, that he fought with all his heart for that which Esau could never appreciate.

David's house became the most durable culture of history. Even when his descendants were scattered or taken into captivity, they prevailed. They never forsook their heritage and remain as entrenched in their deep values. They fight like a tiger with cubs for their promised land and their holy city and will willingly sacrifice all for the unsearchable riches of the greatest heritage.

A house is secured by its walls and foundations, but a home is built and sustained by God. Walls keep out criminals, who rarely hurt the home, as such. But God protects us from the ravages of the world. He establishes our hearts and minds, and keeps them whose minds are stayed on Him. Therefore we will see our children's children (Ps 128).

Too many parents fret about security and the physical safety that a house offers, but it is better that we trust God to establish a house, a heritage, destiny, lineage and legacy that will outlast us and touch generations to come.

Two mid-west families sired four generations. The one family was given to drunkenness and coarse living and their ultimate descendants included a string of prostitutes, drug addicts, alcoholics, jail birds and miscreants. The other family, though poor, established a Godly heritage. As such their descendants today include doctors, lawyers, social pillars and prosperity. Evidently one of those descendants was a vice president of the US. Which parent would you rather be - one that is safe behind your walls, but unable to protect your family from the corruption of this world, or one that jealously preserves our precious heritage for the generations to come. The former may have a house, but the latter will have an enduing home.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Survey on family trends

2007-12-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

The biggest spiritual challenges Christian parents identified are related to the spiritual development of their children, a new survey found.

Only four out of every 10 Christian parents of children between the ages of 3 and 18 said they do not face any spiritual challenges in their life, according to The Barna Group. Among those who do, 14 percent said the biggest personal challenge related to faith is raising moral children with a strong faith, which was the most common response.

Ten percent identified the need to personally invest more time in religious activities, such as reading the Bible or praying, as their greatest faith challenge.

When asked to rate the significance of eight specific challenges related to their faith, most do not perceive themselves to face major spiritual challenges.

Only 34 percent said having enough time to devote to their faith was a major challenge; and 30 percent said helping their children to become more spiritual was a major challenge.

"Our studies show that the faith principles and practices that a child absorbs by age thirteen boldly shapes their spirituality for the duration of their life,” said George Barna, who directed the survey. “Parents have a greater impact on that process than anyone else.

"This was a study exclusively of Christian parents with young children in their household. Given companion surveys showing that such parents often convey dismay over the eroding cultural environment for raising children, and how difficult parenting is these days, we anticipated a broader emphasis upon the challenges related to bringing up spiritually whole and healthy children.”

Evangelical Christian parents were three times more likely than other Christian segments to identify responding to the declining morals and values of society as a major challenge. They were also more likely than other Christian parents to feel they failed to devote enough time to their faith.

Among other challenges identified, 23 percent overall said enabling their spouse to be more spiritual; 21 percent said growing spiritually, personally; 20 percent identified understanding what's in the Bible; 19 percent named finding a church or faith community that's right for them; 18 percent said getting a sense of direction from God; and 18 percent identified practicing the faith principles they had learned.

"In addition to making parenting a 24/7 priority, we found that parents must have an authentic and vibrant faith in order to provide meaningful spiritual guidance to their children," said Barna. "Children rarely embrace spiritual principles and practices that their parents fail to demonstrate in their lifestyle.”

Hispanics were the most likely ethnic group to identify challenges related to parenting and family matters with one out of every three Hispanic parents listing the challenge. Meanwhile, only one out of six white parents and one out of eight black parents listed the same challenge.

Black parents were much more likely than others to name faith-driven behavioral challenges. And white parents were much more likely than others to list participating in more religious activity as their major spiritual challenge. At the same time, white parents were substantially less likely than parents of other ethnic groups to indicate that growing spiritually and understanding the Bible were major challenges.

Other findings showed that notional Christians – those who are not born again but consider themselves to be Christian – were twice as likely as born-again parents to list attending church more often as a major challenge.

Regionally, Christian parents in the Northeast were the least likely to feel challenged to have enough time to devote to their faith and to feel that growing spiritually was a major personal challenge.

Those most likely to identify helping their children grow spiritually as a major challenge were parents in the South. Meanwhile, parents in the western states were among the least likely to feel that growing spiritually and finding a viable church or faith community were major challenges.

Christian parents in the Midwest were the least likely to feel that helping children grow spiritually was a major challenge; least likely to identify exhibiting spiritual-driven behavior as an issue; and least likely to say they had no faith-related or spiritual issues facing them.

“Many of the same people who claim that their faith is very important to them and that they are absolutely committed to Christianity also say that they face no spiritual challenges in life," Barna noted. "Many other adults are only vaguely aware of such challenges, and do not put much energy into addressing them.

"Americans focus on what they consider to be the most important matters; faith maturity is not one of them. The dominant spiritual change that we have seen – Americans becoming less engaged in matters of faith – helps to explain the surging secularization of our culture.”

The survey was conducted in October and November 2006 among 601 adults who described themselves as Christian.

(c) 6 October 2007, Audrey Barrick, Christian Post

Balanced discipline

2007-11-30T01:52:00.000-08:00

Children go through development phases and discipline must adapt to each stage.

THE FIRST STAGE (0 to 6) IS INSTRUCTIVE

They have no internalized value system, the parent does and the challenge is to instruct them. At that age they are soft and warm and really a small, sharp, reasonable smack will not hurt them and it is not cruel. I have seen children of that age, playing in icy cold conditions or cold water, because there is such a high proportion of body fat that they are well insulated against a lot of things, including cold, pain, falling and other childhood threats. However, they do have a will. In fact studies have shown that they can even learn basic sign language as early as eight months and their application of that will is binary. They resist to find their boundaries and we oblige by showing them where those boundaries are.

The results of early discipline (not subtle stuff that they don't understand such as reward based manipulation), helps to build their confidence and respect for authority, the vital foundation needed for later discipline. The reason parents often struggle with discipline in later stages is because they haven't established the vital link in the cycle of discipline, namely respect for authority.

When my wife taught, her first semester was largely characterized by a tight, authoritative , non- negotiable , aloof style of management. Once she had commanded the respect of her learners she could slacken off and allow a bit more latitude and connectedness. Teachers who are soft when they first engage children, lose them and generally never regain their confidence.

I like to think of early development as an extrinsic fence that we put up to keep them out of trouble and in control. As they develop, the fences can gradually fade away until the fence is intrinsic, within their value system and part of their own self management.

THE SECOND PHASE IS FOR TRAINING

The training phase extends from 7 to 12 and will end with the child having its own internal compass and able to work out for itself what is right and wrong. Getting there is a journey in which understanding of our rules and values, slowly displaces the factual content of rules. As they mature in their capacity to integrate values and exercise them appropriately, discipline should move towards strategies that induce them to make appropriate choices and value judgments.

Instruction is binary as in "Don't do that, or else". If a child asks "why?", we generally answer, "Because I said so" or "Because it works that way". That approach is ineffective with children that are developing inquiring minds and cognitive skills. They then need to understand why we do what we do and what is the thinking behind a value. The ability to convey understanding is critical to the development of a healthy conscience and self-management.

During this phase, set backs will happen when a child will revert to childish ways. My brother-in-law rarely smacked his children, but right in the middle of this phase his firstborn took him on in a very public challenge to his authority. They were in a forest at the time and the father quickly restored the balance of power with a branch of a tree. The child never tried it again and blossomed into a fine young man. I have had similar relapses, fewer than what I can count on one hand, where my sons lost their way or started to regress into unacceptable patterns. A good smack helped them regain self control, self confidence and direction. It cleared out the cobwebs and for months, ever years later, they remained positive and happy.

THE THIRD PHASE IS FOR COACHING (Not my own concept, but certainly an observed reality in parent-child counseling sessions)

In this phase the child starts to negotiate the world on its own terms. Their compass should be working by then and the extrinsic fences should be down. I am not suggesting that discipline ends here, it just must be more measured and related to consequence. The child must make decisions and we at best should only coach from the side-lines, allowing them room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

My first born turns 13 this year and I have gone to great lengths to prepare him for a formal separation from childhood into manhood. I want him to know when he has crossed that line and from then on I will treat him as a man, not as a child, holding him accountable for his actions, decisions and behaviors .

CONCLUSION

If a parent is still spanking frequently beyond six, them its because they lost the opportunity to get the child orientated before six. I find parents are often scared of their children and reluctant to discipline, yet I have also found that children are so forgiving of loving discipline to the point where they will even misbehave so to get the attention they need. However, if a parent doesn't adapt to the changes in their children, all the good they set out to do will be undermined and rebellion or alienation will result.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Acknowledgement: E Ezzo, Raising Kids God's Way

Conquering the self esteem giant

2007-11-25T01:49:00.000-08:00

I am intrigued by the issues of self-esteem, especially in children. I don't doubt that it is a major issue across society, but I am not sure we can realistically insulate our children from loss of self esteem, any more than we can restore the self esteem of those that protect them, their parents and teachers.

Don't get me wrong, we certainly do see degrees of self confidence in life, which suggest that at least there is hope. However, the factors leading to the loss of self esteem are complex, It is just too simplistic to isolate the issue to the schoolyard and it is equally simplistic to assume we can make it go away.

I was in the army, a very harsh and confrontational environment that existed to equip soldiers for battle. No allowances could be made for those who would fall apart in battle, so the system always weeded out weaker individuals. These were handled with appropriate compassion and many were reintegrated into less stressful roles, whilst some left and a few committed suicide.

As a young man I had to confront these issues, because the issues were real and near to us. I came away convinced that although life really was hard in the army, most of us had a pain threshold that kept us above the pain. With time, I saw recurring patterns in our school, where I am on the board of governors. Time and again I saw patterns of deviant behavior or evidence of diminished self esteem that traced back to parents. If it was a socially pervasive issue, I would have expected such patterns of behavior to be the norm, not the exception.

It led me to the conclusion that children are generally equipped for most of what life throws at them. I also concluded that a vital key to equipping a child for life is parenting.

One of my most notable observations has been that many children emerge successfully from deficient parenting, which reflects how forgiving parenting really is.

Thus I have seen children face really disappointing experiences and still love their parents, which offers great hope to parents who feel their parenting is inadequate.

I suppose its fair to observe that I did see some children drawn from seemingly privileged environments who also came off the tracks, but the causes were the same even if they looked different: the approval of parents and the time that parents spent with their children in instruction, loving discipline, relationship and support were key determinants of self esteem.

The problem with this line of argument, is that despite all the very best intentions, very few parents get it right - actually I don't think anyone does. John Eldredge wrote a great book, "Wild at Heart", which suggests that we are all wounded by our fathers, albeit unwittingly. I concur with that view and wrote my own book, "Dead Reckoning", which explores a biblical principle from Romans 8, which observes that "we are all subject to vanity".

It is our underlying vanity (sense of worthlessness, fear of failure, vulnerability), that lies at the root of materialism, competitive capitalism, one-upmanship, epidemic levels of psychosomatic disease and even wars. It is the very thing that capitalists exploit to separate you from your money, by playing on your vulnerabilities, so to induce you to buy a myriad of must-have products that might just enhance your self esteem.

In my book, I allude to fathering, but argue that the need for approval from our fathers will never be fulfilled, but our search for a greater Father can be met. We eventually must all face crises that trace back to our core vulnerabilities and which become the place of reckoning where we finally confront our issues and reset our compasses on a more certain beacon.

I was worried about my youngest son, who had an under-developed cortex that created a great tension between his ideals and his abilities. It also led to him being vulnerable to bullying. I considered sending him to self-defence classes, but then realized that would only cover his soul with a shield, a hard outer crust. It would not address the core vulnerability that plagues all of us in one way or another. So I worked on building up his character and giving him models of others who had to overcome giants, men like the biblical David. David was small, overlooked and an unlikely hero, but he faced his lions, his bears and than his giants until he stood tall in the land as a relevant leader.

The self esteem issue is a giant and we must all face our ultimate appointment with that giant if we are ever to be free and able to walk tall in the world.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Corporal discipline of children

2007-11-20T01:42:00.000-08:00

It has is or is becoming universally illegal for parents to use corporal punishment in the home. I hate the term “corporal punishment”, because it does not reflect God’s heart, but it does introduce the points I wish to make.

God’s call is to discipline, which implies instruction, loving instruction. The acid test of good discipline is a good disciple. If discipline induces a noble change of heart and a deep internalisation of values, it is a good thing. If discipline is just about hitting, then it is hitting, not discipline.

Some day, children near you might sue their parents for smacking them. It would be a tragic day, but when it does come, don’t blame the law, blame the home. If a parent whose behaviour is devoid of loving instruction hits a child, chances are good that the child will regard the action as abuse, not as just or fair discipline. Children have an inbuilt sense of justice and will respect the disciplines imposed by fair and loving parents.

A child was smacked in a US car park. Some bystander screamed at the parents and threatened to report them to the authorities, to which the “victim” said, “Dad what’s wrong with that woman”. Where discipline is lovingly applied within a context of wise instruction, it is highly unlikely that a child would run to the authorities. Children actually value discipline, because it gives them a sense of security and if it is done with the right heart, they will see it as a loving expression of your interest in their wellbeing.

The modern trend away from corporal discipline has all kinds of roots. There was a time when abuse of slaves was allowed and then rightly prohibited. The abuse of women is still widely practised around the world and that is also wrong. Bullying in school is just as wrong and the increasing trend in child abuse is most definitely wrong. It is useful to understand why legislators currently want to address corporal punishment, especially given the extent of child abuse in our society.

However, whilst I deplore child abuse of any form, I must balance the debate with an equally relevant observation, namely that, “The neglect of loving discipline is also abusive”. Universally, parents are already tending to opt out on what is probably our defining role in life, so once the law takes its course there could be universal abdication of discipline in the home? I would be a very worried child if that were the case.

Consider that discipline could steer your children away from drugs, crime, aids, social problems, struggling careers, poor sportsmanship, low self-esteem, disregard for social order … I would rather take steps to avoid that, regardless of what people say.

Society seems so inclined to over-correct. We readily throw the baby out with the bathwater (which I believe is not very good for babies). We need to find a balance in the current debate. Denying the rights of a parent, to parent, surrenders the next generation to the discipline of gangs, bullies and hoodlums. No one will be able to legislate against that, but it is the next logical step in our regression to anarchy.

I came across the following list of reasons for not spanking:

Hitting, models hitting – I agree, that’s why we speak of loving discipline rather than hitting as such. However, when a smack is appropriate, it will never model hitting, it will model responsibility.

Hitting devalues a child – I was subject to what may be described as abuse and even that did not devalue me. However, loving discipline entrenches self-respect and dignity in a child.
Hitting devalues the parent – On the contrary, it restores respect to parents and provides boundaries. Reneging on discipline devalues parents, because everyone else has to live with the consequences.
Hitting does not improve behaviour – I don’t want to improve bad behaviour, I want to stop it. Smacking, used wisely and selectively can stop a whole lot of things, including the symptoms of insecurity.

Spanking is unbiblical – that may be true for some people, but not for the bible most widely used in our culture. Accordingly, I have ignored the rest of the list as well.

Someone once said, “Let a pig and a boy have their own way and you’ll have a good pig and a bad boy” – you will also have a happy pig and a sad boy. Don’t ever underestimate the unique capacity parents have been given to bring discipline to their homes and the significant difference it will make to the children entrusted to our care. Dare to discipline.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Those boots were made for walking

2007-11-12T00:47:00.000-08:00

When my firstborn was about two, he adored his little blue gum-boots and could go nowhere without them. One day his mom kissed him goodbye as she dropped him off at creche. She said to Tim, "Jesus is in your heart", to which he replied, "and in my boots".

A few years later he and his little brother were jumping up and down in the backseat of the car, when he said "let's drive each other nuts". Nancy Sinatra's shoes may have been made for walking, but when a person allows God's spirit to fill their shoes, give them direction and lead them into adventure, not only does it rub off on others, it also drives Satan crazy.

We need Jesus in our hearts, but unless our lives acquire a living purpose in Him, we are no more than an ark without water: destined to go nowhere, with a faith that is irrelevant, untested and unable to rise to the challenges of life.

In the formative years of their lives, our children walk closer to us, looking to us for direction, purpose and instruction. Consequently we build little fences around them, to define their limited boundaries and to protect them from childhood perils. As they grow, we slowly push out the boundaries until eventually they are removed completely. By then, it is hoped that sound fences have emerged within their hearts and that they have developed an internal compass that can guide them to right decisions and a sense of purpose.

It is not our role to build our children towards us and to so rule their lives that they become dependents. It is our function to build away from us and to develop them into independent, self-assured people, who can leave the home and walk into the world with their heads held high.

They are not ours and never will be. They came from God and must return to Him. I have always believed that they were entrusted to me and as such I have stewarded their precious lives in a way that would enable me to account to God for them. I must hand them back and surrender them to God's purpose for their lives otherwise I will frustrate them and rob them of human worth and dignity. As such, every lesson, every moment of learning relates not to the offence as much as it does to the principle behind the offence.

The law kills and when we instruct or discipline around the offence, as such, we impose the law and kill the spirit. However, when we focus on the spirit of the law, the principle behind the offence, we add life.

If a child is penalized for running along a corridor, his response will be one of fear, defiance or avoidance - none of which are fruits of the Spirit. When a child learns that younger children could be hurt and he could slip if he runs along a corridor (assuming that the ruling is not in itself petty and irrelevant to a young, energetic child), the child will display traits of consideration, self control and peace - fruits of the Spirit.

Jesus is in their little boots. The call of God is on each precious life. They have a divine potential for good. Our role is to steer them away from what is bad and to instill an aspiration for that which is noble and of good report. I have witnessed far too many liberal schools and their capacity to breed social misfits, but I have also witnessed conservative schools that all too often punish for petty offences and thereby provoke frustration and resentment. I firmly believe in discipline, but when a boy behaves like a boy I get excited, for in our effeminate, emasculated world, far too many men grow up repressed and domesticated, with no will to rise up and be men or leaders within their culture. Girls respond to restraint far more readily than boys do, because they are wired differently. It is rarely naughtiness that leads to boys burning things or climbing on the roof, rather it is the spirit of manhood calling them to wild adventure and a purpose in God.

When Tim was about twelve, he unintentionally set fire to a compost heap in our back yard. It was a raging fire that had neighbors hosing it down from across the wall. When they asked what was happening, I merely replied, "I have sons": they fully understood what that meant.

Afterwards, I had a choice to lay into my already distressed and regretful son and thereby forego a teachable moment or to use the moment wisely. I chose to sit him down and talk about fire, about how, since the dawn of time, men carried fire. They carried it into their villages and caves and harnessed it for the protection of their families, for warmth and for light. Later they acquired the use of guns, a variant of primitive fire. It was defining of a man to handle the danger and fury of fire with responsibility and restraint. The intention was to add value to the village, not to burn it down. I have since been hunting with Tim and could share with him that guns are very dangerous things, to be used responsibly, to protect and defend, never to cause harm.

I then spoke of the fires of our lives, fires that we must manage to define our lives. Our sexual fire is intense, yet when a man chooses to restrain himself and not spill his fire, but to channel it into meaningful, responsible living, he will emerge as a man indeed. Similarly, the fire of purpose and passion, if used for reckless living, defines a man as a fool, but a focused life is like an arrow that flies straight to its target and sets men apart from boys. Now God too gives us His fire, the zeal of God which comes as the fire of His spirit, a flame that burns in the heart and lights up young eyes. That fire must also be channeled, so that children find their purpose and step up to the plate to assume a meaningful place in the course of life.

Life affords us no greater responsibility or privilege than to raise the next generation, so invest purpose and dignity into their lives and equip them to walk, nay to run through life with such purpose that when at last they stumble into the ground, they go down panting and with a victorious smile on their faces.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

The mark of a man

2007-11-07T00:36:00.000-08:00

What does the bible reveal about the issue? Does a biblical man need to be big, hairy, strong, sweaty and manly? I don't think so. I won't refute than many biblical men were just that, but I cannot concede that it is either a prerequisite or a defining feature of biblical manhood.

I have met far too many big, mean guys who were also quite weak on matters of principle, decision making, leadership of their homes, defence of values or engagement of social issues - Indeed often brawn is a cover-up for other inadequacies. Yet I have seen many less impressive and often softer-spoken men take on giants, fight for the truth and engage issues of concern to the world around us, whilst still finding time to lead their families with integrity and passion.

Jim Collins, in his great book on good to great leadership, sifted through all the leaders of the America to arrive at just ten great leaders, all of whom were soft-spoken and self-deprecating, yet fiercely resolute.

We are always on dangerous ground when we stereotype people and that is no less true of male stereotypes. It would be as wrong for me to argue that a man should be big, hairy and brawny as it would be for me to exclude less physical or slighter men, purely on the basis of impressions.

So what are our biblical precedents?

Cain was a man of the earth, who bent his back to the hot sun, to sweat and toil every day. He was man's man, maybe, but when He tried to foist his manliness on God, he was rejected and found wanting. God found no delight in the fruit of his toils, no pleasure in the produce of the earth. Abel on the other hand was a pastoral man, given to the gentler pursuits of shepherding that which had been entrusted to him. His faithful stewardship enabled him to offer a better sacrifice to God and thus found God's approval, to the murderous chagrin of his foolish, weak-minded sibling.

Esau was another man's man. Hairy would be an understatement. His name alluded to his hairiness and he was red as well, not to mention strong, physical and given to manly pursuits like hunting. Yet he had no clue about his heritage and no inclination to fight for that heritage. He also felt he had a birthright to God's favor without any obligation to steward what would so be entrusted to him. God would have none of that. He had no inclination, as the Great Steward, to entrust a significant dynasty and all that it stood for, to a foolish airhead. Instead God turned to the lesser of the two brothers, the one that the men of that culture had maginalized in favor of beefy Eau. Jacob never dropped the ball. He too was a pastoral man, caring for what was entrusted to him as he also did with the great heritage that Isaac reluctantly ceded to him.

David, the greatest of all Jewish kings, was also a shepherd, of sheep and men. He was a man of poetry and music (he must have been gay??), an immensely courageous fighter, a deeply principled man and a faithful friend - up his love for Jonathon exceeded the love of woman, but it was a quintessentially manly relationship of a depth that I have rarely witnessed between real men.

So my definition of a man is that he should be pastoral first: caring for all that is entrusted to him, namely his own life, his family and the community. He should be a priestly intercessor of those in his care and he place such things above his own ego or selfish needs. He should fight for his constituencies and lay down his life if need be. The same man should be able to stand before God at the end of his life and give a noble account of all that was entrusted to him.

Therein is the mark of a real man.

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com

Good news

2007-11-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

Crocodile Harris sang, “Please give me the good news.” One of the verses says:

If I accept the word “forever”
Maybe we should live together
and not be scared to watch the late night news.
You can't use guns to build a nation,
a bullet never was creation

Somewhat haunting words and they go straight to one of the greatest issues of our time, crime and violence. We all fear it, we all hate it, we all want our government to stop it and no one feels enough is being done.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani transformed New York from the world’s crime capital into a flourishing city. He imposed discipline on New York, through “zero tolerance” of all offences. One thing led to another and the crime and the grime was uprooted. This brought tourists in, tills began to ring, people prospered, everyone benefited and only criminals were worse off.

Crime and violence reflects a lack of discipline in home and society

Governments express deep concern about opportunism and ill discipline, especially within their own ranks and among the youth. Crime and corruption threatens the fabric of our society and the sustainability of democracy, which would hurt the economic and social prospects of all.

Their concerns are reflected by broader evidence of “dissing” amongst children, rampant abuse of cellphones, violence in schools and a general regression of social order – on the roads, in public offices, everywhere.

Declining discipline levels in UK schools and the misguided tolerance of bad behaviour amongst children, encourages kids to swear at teachers and threaten violence. There are some controls, but its not enough and anti-social behaviour could become a runaway phenomenon that will eventually hit the economy, foreign investment and social stability.

Not long ago some learners, in our own school, admitted that they felt a thing was only wrong when they were caught doing it. They were quite happy to disobey the rules of the school without any conscience. Thankfully they are now testing their moral theories elsewhere.

We may be a generation away from a social disaster, yet we are but one generation beyond what was once a respectful and ordered society. How quickly things have degenerated. How urgently we must act to preserve life for our children and their children. Discipline is our collective struggle..

A call to action – a reasonable response to the issues

Christians will never be free of these social issues. In fact if we over regulate it, we could repress character and undermine the moral responsibility of our children – not an objective of good education. Indeed, our job is to buidl a value system that facilitates confident self-management in children, for they are not ours - we must ultimately equip them for that moment when we return them to God and His divine purpose for their lives and then they must get on with it. Repression will rob them of self-motivation, responsibility and independence.

So we need to live with many imperfections and govern it all wisely, without creating a stifling, cold and regimented system. We should also remain real and relational. Thus parents and teachers must be able to laugh and cry and be very human, whilst still maintaining high standards of education and discipline.

Parents may feel that the subject of discipline is challenging. It is certainly not my desire to be insensitive to parents that are trying hard, despite the struggles of balancing work, home and other priorities. But, you also cannot outsource parental guidance – discipline must start at home and parents and teachers need to find ways to work together to instil a culture of discipline and respect in all learners.

Fair and loving discipline is not hard to impose, is always respected by children and is the most obvious way to protect our children from social corruption. Don’t feel threatened by this, rather lets help each other to help them. When we are divided, children will divide and conquer, but when we work together we will equip them for life, peace and happiness.

Unless we act, we face a greater struggle

When Winston Churchill warned the world of war, they ignored him. When the clouds of war gathered over Europe they still ignored him, and Harold McMillan naively shook hands with evil, saying: “We have peace in our times”. Then the bombs started falling, but it was too late.

So I must now say to this generation: don’t ignore the real threats of indiscipline. Crime and corruption reflect a lack of social maturity and an absence of discipline, a psychosis that has destroyed many nations. Left to itself, the same tragedy will befall our world and hurt the very people we seek to help.

So, I can’t give you good news, as such. Yet there still is good news: for we can still make a difference and there is still hope. With God, ALL things are possible!

(c) Peter Eleazar at www.bethelstone.com